Change. Change. Change.

Things are changing in this household.  Some could say finally, hell, a lot of people will applaud.  Things are changing in my world and to put it lightly I’m nervous.  Nervous?  See: neurotic, antsy and being incredibly overwhelmed.  I can’t say that I’m not excited because well, I’m thrilled.  I’m just not one for major change.  Unless I have complete control of the outcome… which this time I don’t.

I’d like to say that my life is calm, relaxing and whatnot but in reality it’s been one hell of a roller-coaster.  A roller-coaster ride that has lasted damn near 11 years now.  My life has been completely insane, not all of it bad but definitely chaotic.  The one thing that has been static for 3 years now is my house.  I purchased this house in 2009, solely for the reason to secure my future, especially through and after a divorce, and because a mortgage was ( and still is ) cheaper than renting a house of this size.  So through the last few years, through the divorce, restraining order, Crohns flare, DUI, and now putting my life back together, I’ve always had my house.

My house is my safety-zone.  I know it’s mine, it’s my place to run away to.  It’s my quiet zone, it’s my own personal concert.  It’s peaceful or as hectic as I please.  It’s where I sit and write in my book or type in my blog.  It’s where I go to run away from the world.  My safe-zone.  Even through changing jobs 4 times in 3 years, my home has always been here.  On the worst of days, through heartbreak and tears, I could always curl up with a cup of coffee and listen to the silence, or my child play.  My house is my hide-away.

My house is about to become a lot more chaotic.  Hell, it’s pretty chaotic at the moment.  I’m sitting here listening to my daughter sing about a whale… Ryan wrestle around with his son.  I can barely hear myself think.  Chaotic.  Chaos.  At the root of the word.  Just recently we decided to merge our families.  No you assholes, I’m not getting married, hell no.  Not for a long time.  We decided to move in together.  Numerous reasons.  Of course to take the next step in our relationship, but also to help with my finances, and to prevent Ryan from having to pay a large amount of rent or having to move a handful of towns away from his son.  There’s a lot that plays into it, and basically what it comes down to is that it’ll benefit both of our small families.

So we spent this weekend doing as much packing as we can, and then working on cleaning up my house.  Ry’s son is taking over my 3rd bedroom, which means that it’s no longer my closet.  I never realized how much clothing I actually have.  Christ.  Beyond that, just cleaning.  My scummy living room furniture is going to the curb, and his is coming in.  As is my 10 year old mattress for his new one.  We’re also renting a small storage unit for the furniture of his that won’t fit in my house, like his entertainment center.  Merging houses isn’t as easy as you would think.  For the most part we’ll be able to do it… there is a few small issues.  My shed is too small for a motorcycle in winter… but hell, we’re building a deck this year (sorry Dad, you’ve been saying you’d help since lasts spring… times up haha) so we might as well build a larger shed.  One big enough for the kid’s bikes, lawnmower, yard chemicals, motorcycle, etc.  Why not?  We have a lot of work to do with this house, now and in the future, and the thought of it makes me full of anxiety, but I think with Ry being more a long the lines of step-by-step instead of my do-it-all-at-once-why-isn’t-it-done-yet? will help.

I’m nervous about my safe-zone changing, but I think it’ll work out for the best, and all involved will benefit from it.  So yeah, nervous, but also excited.  I’m thrilled to (continue) waking up to the person I’ve fallen in love with.  I’m thrilled that Noodle has someone to play with and hopefully learn from.  I’m beyond excited about the future.  Here’s the hoping to making this house into a home.  :)

3 thoughts on “Change. Change. Change.

  1. Darl’ S,

    I am so happy to read this post. I knew you were having a great time with the new boy and that he treated you the way you should be treated but I am thrilled to hear that you are ‘taking the next step’. And that you sound happy, if a little apprehensive, about it all. I guess I am just happy to hear things change for the better. You have had a rough go at it recently and deserve some down time.
    Think about how nice it will be to actually wake with him every morning and not have to do the whole who’s place routine. I think you are making a smart decision too. (like usual :P ) You have solid reasons and you seem sure in yourself, your motivations and your feelins while simultaneously you are smart enough to actually recognize, rather than write off or bury, the anxiety that is going be inevitable when change occurs. And that merging two, in your case four!, lives is going to take some adjustments and compromise. One thing though, stake out an area that is yours. I feel claustrophobic when I don’t have my space. For me it is my knitting corner that basically holds a book case, my stash and spinning wheel and is actually just a corner of the living room. But it is mine and it keeps me level… sometimes.
    Anyway, Again, thrilled to hear you are happy!!
    xoxo – S.

  2. Pingback: Change is All Around Me « The Secret World of S.

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