Category Archives: Legal Bullshit/Stress

The END of a Sentence

by

So as most of you know, last year I had gotten myself a DUI.  45 days later, August 25th, my license was suspended.  Since then I’ve been driving with a Baiid Device in my car.  It was originally for 6 months, but I violated it and it was extended to 9 months.  Lesson learned… the next morning you are still drunk.  Anyway, so the time is about to come to an end.  This Friday I get my license back, and shortly after I get the Baiid Device removed from my car.

When I first had the device put in my car I was honestly really annoyed.  The problem I saw with it is not only can you not drive drunk (obviously), but you can’t drink at all… and if you do, you have to be very careful that your BAC is under .005 before you try to drive.  Now those of you who know my family, we’re a wine at dinner kind of people.  Or a beer at the lake.  All of those were off limits to me.  I was annoyed, but grateful to have my driving privileges back.  I thought I’d just count down the days, hate every day of it, and then be done.

You know what?  It wasn’t that bad, and all in all I have to give the device a good review.  I learned a lot from it, a lot more than I thought I would anyway.  For instance, you are still not okay to drive the morning after drinking (and subsequently I found out if a girl gets hammered at night, she usually has alcohol in her system until around 5pm the next day).  I learned that 1 beer and 1 hour is pretty much right, and more than that and you are not legally not safe.  I realized how many times I had put myself (and others at risk) not only of bodily harm but of getting a DUI.  There were many a nights where if I was too shitfaced to drive, I hopped in the car with someone who was driving… and thinking back on it… had a few drinks before hand.  I learned it was actually easier to take a cab to and from a night out, instead of dealing with the hoopla of “Are you SURE you’re sober?”.  I learned that a lot more people drive drunk than I even realized.

The two most important things I learned?  Oh yeah, epiphany coming here.  I learned I drank too much, too frequently and it changed my behavior to something I didn’t like.  That first month I wasn’t allowed to drive I really wanted to go out… as the month passed I realized that (while okay for others) my want to go out once a week was too much for me.  I started to think about why I wanted to go out, what good I would get out of it and why I wanted to drink.   What it came down to was I wanted to go out because I saw it as a break from my daughter, since my divorce I had been a single parent and the world rested on my shoulders.  Going out with my friends and having a few drinks was how I was coping with the stress of all of that, not to mention being sick.  I had a lot of fun, I did, but what I had to figure out was why I didn’t want to be at home.

This whole time Ryan and I haven’t gone out much, just a few times here and there.  Mostly because it became a hassle and we didn’t feel like dealing with it.  So we spent a lot of weekends at home this past weekend and I learned something doing so.  As the time progressed, we spent more and more time at home, we watched movies, had friends over, did special things things for our kids and had dinners to ourselves.  We worked on my house and made quite a few memories doing it.  As the time passed I learned why I didn’t want to spend time at home.  My home didn’t feel like a home.  Up until last summer, things were always dramatic at my house.  Of course the divorce and following restraining order, but also a traumatic relationship and my Crohns flaring not once but three times.  Home was where I was alone to think, and home was where I had to face my demons.  I was too busy facing said demons and trying to escape them to even consider my house a home. Once Ryan and I started dating I wasn’t alone with my thoughts anymore, I didn’t spend what time I had at home over-thinking things as well as the future, I had someone to talk about everything with.  I had someone to share my thoughts with, and I had someone who had similar thoughts.  So as time passed, things came out in the open, and I was able to lighten up a bit.  I didn’t need to go out and get loaded to feel carefree, all I needed was someone to talk to and a cup of coffee.  Once things came out it was easier to relax, it was easier to enjoy my house and my life and make those memories.  With all of that time, all of those memories, I made my house a home.

Things have progressed quite well these past handful of months, and now this suspension is coming to an end.  I’ve learned a lot and I’m sure I have a lot more to learn.  Am I done drinking?  No.  I’m sure we’ll still out once in a while and get drunk and dance like monkeys.  I’m sure I’ll have that glass of wine with dinner at my Dad’s house.  Now though?  Now I don’t NEED to get loaded to have fun.  I don’t WANT to go out constantly (ha, if at all, Sarah finally turned into a homebody).  I learned what a risk it is, not only to myself, but to my friends, family and relationships.

Sure, I wish I never got that damned DUI, but honestly, if I didn’t, things would be much different now.  I’m not quite sure I ever want to know how that would turn out.  So in a way, I’m glad it happened.  That stupid DUI changed my life, and it changed my life for the better.  I can only hope life continues to be great, that I continue to be happy, and that things keep working out.  I’m happy, and it’s almost painful to admit, but the DUI and facing the resulting (or always there but hidden) demons gave me this chance to turn things around and be happy with my life.  Everyone needs a second chance, and I’m glad I got mine.

 

 

Not only that, but I might miss that device a little bit.  I named him Sammy… and what will I ever do with out that thing beeping for attention and distracting me from my music.  :)

A Bitch Called Hope

by

There’s this song by Blood for Blood (if you haven’t heard them and don’t like hardcore, don’t waste your time.  You’ll want to stab yourself in the ears.) called “A Bitch Called Hope”.  I used to relate to that song a lot, hell even now, more than 8 years later.  Hope is a hard thing to hold onto sometimes, but one thing I’ve realized through all of these years?  I need to have hope.  I need hope to thrive, to survive, and to strive for more.  With out hope I get nowhere… as I proved for a couple years as a teenager.

At the same time though, when you hope and pray for something, especially when you’ve worked your ass off for it, and whatever it is falls through?  It’s devastating.  Sometimes hope can almost destroy you in the end, and knowing that is what makes it so hard.  Hope is a bitch, a cold-hearted bitch, and that stupid bitch will screw you over if you give it the chance.  So sometimes I’m wary of hope.

I’ve always lived by the motto: Hope for the best, expect the worst and work your fucking ass off in the meantime.  I think that whole line of thought is what has gotten me labeled as a pessimist more than a handful of times, but you know what?  It works for me.  It keeps my ass in gear, my mind working, and helps me prepare for the worst in any scenario.  It allows me to continue to bust ass for something I want, but kind prepare for if things don’t work out as planned.  Almost mutes the devastation if it comes my way.

There has been so much going on in the past few years, quite honestly a lot of it got me down for a while there.  In the not to recent past I had almost given up hope that things would get better.  I saw nothing in my dead end jobs, nothing good coming out of being a single mother working sometimes upwards of 16 hour days.  I lost the motivation to love my life and improve what I didn’t love.  I did the basics for my daughter, made her life as perfect as I could, but as for everything else?  I shut down.  In all reality, that helpless feeling I had as I watched my life circle the drain broke me.  It did, it broke me far worse than the abusive marriage I was in, my self-caused train wreck teen years, anything.  That hope that I had clung to for so many years just disappeared.

When things were getting to be damned near unbearable, I finally caught a break.  I was offered a job, and then immediately offered my current job.  Then, like a brick through a bay window, that hope was back.  I knew that if I kept busting ass, life would get better.  You know what?  It most definitely has.  It’s never ending hard work, but it’s worth it.  Last Spring/late winter, one year ago, I was sitting at this kitchen table trying to figure out how to afford my gas bill.  I was barely making enough to afford food, much less my bills and medical treatments.  I was sitting at this table, praying for a hand up, a break, something.  I was headfirst into a bottle a lot of those nights, because at that point I didn’t even want to cope.  I just wanted peace.

Now?  Things are much better.  Not perfect, but enough to make me happy.  I’m still at a wonderful job, I’m in a wonderful relationship, and I’m working on my relationships with my family and a few old friends.  I realized that I need to keep busting my ass and fix my life, and since I was given that sliver of hope, it’s been a fight to keep it ever since.  It’s nice to be able to look back and reflect, the contrast between last year and this one…. it just proves that it was worth it all.  That things DO get better if you work for it, and having that little bit of hope just pushes you along.

Hope is still a bitch though, but hope is here to stay.

Almost flattered.

by

Well actually I do.  Apparently, living my life and being happy is enough for someone to hate me for 9 months now.  9 months, that’s a long time I’ve had to endure online attacks, at least the texts have stopped.  It’s amazing though, I’m almost flattered.  I haven’t been doing anything to provoke anyone, the only thing I’ve been doing is keeping to myself and writing.  I’ve been working hard, enjoying the little things, and loving my family.  Unfortunately for me, that’s enough for a hater to hate.  Yet again, the same person is actively slandering me on the internet.  Yet again, the same person has stated (is this the 2nd or 3rd time) that my own daughter would be better off if I was dead.  The difference this time?  Instead of just saying “dead”, she said murdered.  

I don’t get it.  I know she had her feelings hurt when Ryan refused to see her anymore, but come on!  She cheated on him!  I don’t understand how us being happy is a personal attack to her.  She has said it’s not that, then what is it?  Read through my twitter (it’s linked at the right upper corner of my page).  Read through my blog.  When was the last time I even mentioned this?  Maybe when I had to file a police report?  I don’t know what I’m doing to egg on these attacks, and not only attacks against myself, but attacks against my daughter.  My 4 year old daughter.  What adult person attacks a child?  That’s what I don’t understand.  No matter how much I dislike someone, I never bring their children into it.

At first, I was going to defend myself against the things she has stated online, but you know what?  I’m not.  I know they are not true, the people close to me know they are not true.  That is good enough for me.  I live a good life, I stay out of trouble, and I take care of my daughter.  I have good people in my life and I’m happy with where things are.  I’m tired of the attacks, I’m tired of the taunting.  I’m done.  I don’t care if this person calls me a whore, slut, or whatever they may, but that’s on them if they want to believe it.  I just want to be left alone, and I want my child left out of it.  I will protect my family, it’s the most important thing to me.  I am done with this nonsense.

Life is like a bottle of whiskey

by

Crazy.  It’s been simply crazy.  To say I’m looking forward to things getting smoother is an under-statement.  At the same time, relaxing after work with a hot cup of coffee, looking forward to stuffed pork chops that the boyfriend is making for dinner… is well… happiness.  I guess all the chaos is eventually going to calm down, and I’ll be left with these moments.

So we’re mostly unpacked here at the house.  The house is in order minus a bag (the size of my goddamned self) of tupperware and some of the older short one’s toys.  I must say, it looks quite nice in here.  We ended up pitching a bunch of my stuff and moving some of his stuff into storage, needless to say we now have his nice couches and tables/bed/dresser in my house… and… wait for it… his (almost) brand new stove!  Ha.  As a thank you for him installing that, I made BBQ pork ribs once it was in.  Having the house pretty much set definitely calms down my nerves.

Other than that, just trying to get things in order.  Ry and I are both working on our past legal problems.  We both have DUI’s and both of them need to be finished up.  Thankfully I was smart enough to get almost everything taken care of for mine, the last bit of it is the Victim Impact Panel which I have scheduled for Wednesday this week.  Ryan is most of the way through his classes and is working on his community service (thank god I didn’t blow a high amount… I was rated a minimal risk, so only got 10 hrs of class, no community service, and a reduced fine).  I am turning in my payment to get my license back tomorrow and I’ll be rid of the baiid device next month. Beyond that, getting new tires for the hoopty I’m driving.  I’ve decided to keep stashing away money to get a nicer car than originally intended.  Might as well, I’m sure I can keep the Altima alive for a bit longer. :0) All I need right now is a tune up, and we already tuned up the bike for this summer so that is all taken care of.

The House?  Well, the house is coming together nicely, I feel all adult like haha.  We spent Sunday out in the yard.  Put the new lawn mower (thanks Dad!) together and away, planted my new rose bushes and bleeding heart plants right along side of my lilies and hastas.  Once we put together our new lawn furniture and hung the baskets of flowers up I nearly fell over at how nice the yard is looking.  Not a whole lot is on the to-do list for the house at the moment.  There is still 2 bedrooms to paint, but other than that and hanging up some candles it’s all set.  The next big project is building my deck, which will come later this spring.

Other than all of that nonsense, I’ve set a few new “goals” so to speak for myself.  The biggest one is to get back into reading, with as hectic these last few months have been I haven’t been reading much lately.  I have 4 books on my to-read list.  The second biggest one?  Working on my book.  I started writing a while ago, a friend of mine finally pushed me far enough that I’m going to give it a go.  I’m not releasing it until it’s done, and with the help of an editor friend of mine and self-publishing, I should be good to go when the time comes.  Writing is my world, and I’ve been told, especially for my short stories (which most of you haven’t had to bear) that I should just give it a go.  So I am.  :) Even if I decide in the future to keep my book to myself, I enjoy the writing itself.  So it’s a win- win.

Sorry for the bland post everyone!  It’s been so crazy I haven’t had time to be pissed off, much less rant about something (besides some of the republican candidates… but I’ll keep that to myself for now haha).  Hope everyone is well, and many a beer will be had for you all this weekend.  :)

 

Child Support, Court and Single Mom Rants.

by

So today was the day.  I filed a motion to get child support registered through the state, and at 9am I went in for the court appearance.  Lets just say, I knew I shouldn’t waste my time, and I left in tears.

Being a single mother is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Dealing with Crohns, Domestic Abuse, Unemployment, and pretty much everything else that has come my way in the last few years… well… it was a breeze compared to this.  I am solely in charge of another human being.  I am raising a daughter on my own, giving her my all, working my ass off for her.  I love this little girl with all of my heart, and I do everything I can to make her life perfect.  It’s hard enough trying to decide punishments on my own.  It’s heart-breaking to know she spends more time with her teachers than myself.  It’s fucking hard as hell to be the only one here to comfort her, for all of life’s difficulties, including her own father walking out on her.  I do my best by her, every single thing I do somehow relates back to her.  She is my world.  Raising a child is also expensive.

The way I had figured it, is when my ex-husband was still around, still part of her life, still here, I didn’t mind that he never paid child support.  He was being a daddy, and that was good enough for me.  The moment he stepped out of her life, the moment she first cried because she missed her Daddy I got bitter.  You know, I could stand for being the sole financial support for my little family, but I can’t stand doing it all on my own.  My daughter needed her Dad, and he walked out.  So if he can’t muster up enough balls to be a Dad, he damn well should pay his (court-ordered) child support, and his (court-ordered) daycare expenses.  If that fucker thinks that he can just walk out of her life, out of his other child’s life, then he damn well better pay what he owes.  Being a single mom is hard, but it stretches my finances thin.  Thank the lord I got child care assistance (for now… I’m right on the cusp) because daycare is $190/week.  I don’t even want to tell you what Kindergarten is, I have to register for that this week.  The least he could do is provide his share of her education, her healthcare, her clothing.  Nope, it’s just me here.  I’ll make it, just as I have been for 2 years now.  It’s just frustrating.

So he left us.  You know.  He ran off to a new girlfriend, for another fresh start, for another family with out any kids he has to take care of.  He’s living in Boulder Colorado.  We emailed his new girlfriend, trying to get in contact with him, she blocked us.  I do speak to his mother, whom loves my daughter with all of her heart, but besides admitting he’s a douche, knows nothing about him.  He stopped calling her once she voiced her opinion on the matter.  So finally.  Almost a year after he left, I filed for child support.

My court date was disappointing to say the least.  The judge told me that because I don’t know his place of employment (yeah right, like that fucker would work on the books) and his current address (hello, he blocked me and disconnected his phone) they can’t do anything.  Nothing.  At all.  So I asked her.  ”So if I don’t know the information he’s hiding from me, I’m screwed.”  The judge tells me that I need to talk to the State’s Attorney and Child Support Enforcement.  I almost fell over.  I’ve filled out the application (for both offices) 3 times.. I’ve called numerous times.  The most I’ve gotten is a promise of a call back… once… from one office.  I’ve been trying for MONTHS.  She dismissed my motion, and I left in tears.  Short of Ryan calming me down, and a lunch date with Kenzie, the bad mood would’ve continued.

I left and went to the Child Support Enforcement Office in person, filled out another application, they promised they get in touch (again) and I left.

I never expected to see any money.  I just wanted it on the books that he doesn’t take care of not one, but two children.  But because he took off and left Noodle in the dust, he gets away with it.  He gets to abandon his child again, break her heart, and leave it up to one parent to take care of her.  The courts wont help.  I don’t expect to hear a call from the office.  I am ready to give up.

I hope, I fucking hope, when he’s laying in bed at night, snuggled in to a house his new girlfriend pays for, he thinks of the two children he’s left behind.  Noodle’s emotional wounds will eventually heal, and I say good riddance, but I hope he feels pain for the rest of his life.

Smooth out the stress.

by

Sometimes stress can get the better of you.  Financial stress, crotch-fruit induced stress, work stress, you name it.  Having an anxiety disorder compounds all of that and causes it to explode.  If I don’t keep my anxiety in check, it has the potential to come raining down on me and cause a long-lasting-anxiety attack.

Usually I deal with my anxiety through music, and seeing as how I have been a bit overwhelmed today the music was cranked up high.  Created a new station on my Pandora One and dubbed it “16 year old Sarah”.  I spent most of the day tuning said station to all of the nasty gnarly punk rock I used to listen to.  Just hearing all of those songs brought a smile to my face as well as many a memory.  So tomorrow is officially Punk Rock Thursday.

Things have been pretty good lately, the boyfriend has been helping work on the house.  He has installed 1 (out of 2) ceiling fans he’s gotten me, brought me 2 different sets of shelving for my converted mini-library.  Oh and a new thermostat and area rug, not to mention the wrought iron candle set.  I’m pretty sure the fun just leaked out of me and I showed my age… but hey! I’m excited that my house is looking better by the day. :)

Other than that it’s just been the same ole shit.  Trying to get ahead at work, cleaning at home, and spending time with my kiddo as well as our little dysfunctional misfit family.

At the same time though I’m dealing with the same ole stressors as well.

My Crohns is active again, and I’m still a couple weeks out for another Remicade Infusion… and my fistula is STILL there more than a year and a half later.  I’m putting off surgery until after April, when I finally accrue vacation/sick time at work.  I hate calling off work as it is, but I think half days for my infusions are acceptable… however, a few days for recovery?  Not so much…. not only that, but if you’re familiar with the budget of a single mom, I can’t afford to lose that much money out of my paycheck.  The boyfriend and my family have promised to help me out if I decide to have the surgery, but still, I hate depending on people.

Other than that there is the (seemingly) never ending debt.  I’m still working on paying of random debt… and I will be for a long time.  Just seeing my list freaks me out, but I know it’ll pay off in the long run.  My goal is to get my credit high enough so that when it comes time to sell this house I can afford to finance a much bigger sum.  That’s a long way off so I have quite a bit of time to work on it, but still.

Don’t forget the every day triggers.  Today I was stressed because of the amount of running around I had to do to help the boyfriend.  I’m not much one to do anything after work, much less spend that much time in the car.  I don’t mind helping out per say, but when all you want to do is relax, driving for a couple hours is not pleasant.  Ohh well.  That’s over for now.

—

I can’t wait until the weather warms up a little.  I could sure use a run in the forest preserve… not to mention the drive to the lake house and the hours out on the lake.  This time I can bring the boy.  I can’t wait.

 

… and I’m childish?

by

Thanks! :)

Do the world a favor and stop talking… we’re losing IQ points just listening to you.

The past two days have been one hell of a wild ride, a blur of drama.  It’s been a while since I have gotten *that* angry.  You know, angry enough to start destroying people’s lives… holding back only because the blow out might effect a child.  One more person has now permanently lost my respect, as well as moved up on my shit list.  The last bit of this dramatic affair happened 4 hours ago and I’m still seeing red.  I don’t know how many times I have to prove that I don’t fuck around, especially if it effects me or my family, or someone I care about.  I take care of business, and yet another person is learning this.  You know as well as I, any good story begins with….

… SO THIS BITCH… yes.  Let me clarify.  BITCH.  B.I.T.C.H.  Bitch.  So this biiiiitch, started a fight with me yesterday.  I offended her with two bluntcards I had uploaded to facebook.  I actually found out because she lacked the ovaries to talk to ME first, but instead talked to a friend of mine.  She told my friend that I was childish and threatened him if I didn’t take them down.  My friend told me and I took them down.  She then proceeded to message me and we battled it out in facebook private message.  I’d post it here like I usually do, but I brought up points that should not be shared with the wide web, it’s good enough that she has those thoughts dwelling in her head now.  Eventually the fight moved to the phone, same ole shit as the message… until she threatened my friend… again because “she doesn’t think I’m a good person”.  Okay.  Are you following me?  I’m not a good person because I don’t particularly like the broad and I posted two bluntcards on facebook… that obviously she felt related to her. (What’s that saying?  If you manage to think it relates to you, it does? Guilty conscious much?)  So the fight continued… I stood my ground and stated that if this shit continues she can speak to my lawyer.  Simple as that.  I don’t play these games.

Anyway.  So that was the end of that… or not.  Apparently not.  Of course not.  Because even though I’m the childish one… she had to one up me since obviously I hit a sore spot.  So I’m at work today, minding my own business.  A call comes in.  My co-worker beat me to the punch line.  Private Number.  Female who asks for me.  She puts them on hold and I answer the call after I finish the one I’m on.  When I pick up it’s a male.  Said male goes on to talk a lot of shit about my friend and myself, warns me to protect my family and then hangs up.  The shit talking?  The threat? The “I just wanted you to know” bullshit?  The same exact ones as the broad from yesterday.  It’s a pretty unique threat/insult.  Pretty fucking unique.  So unique that the first time either of us had heard about it was last night.

Interesting.  I’m not one to believe in coincidences.  Not a single fucking bit.  Especially not word for word, less than 14 hours after I originally heard it.  Plus.  More importantly.  They called me at work.  On my work line.  You know, the one that’s not on my facebook.  The one that not even my boyfriend, family or daycare have.  Pretty fucking interesting.  As far as I’m concerned… it’s a pretty big coinci-fucking-dence that a completely different person…. who doesn’t personally know me (as they stated)… repeats the SAME EXACT SHIT…  less than a day later.  Just a thought, it takes some effort (more than the average hater will give) to look up someone’s place of employment, look up the number, and get the balls to call me at work.

So whatever.  Bet.  Chick crossed the line.  Crossed the line.  So, like I did not too long ago, I took steps to protect myself, my life, my family as well as my work.  I called the police and filed (yet another) harassment report.  I told her I was not fucking around anymore.  I told the caller that too.  Simple as that.  So that is officially said and done… and now if it happens again?  Arrests will be made.  Done deal.  How many times do I have to tell all ya’ll.  Don’t fuck with me.

 

Coffee and Cigarettes. Just where I’m supposed to be.

by

I just sat down and did my finances, and by far that was the most painful good bye to my money I have done yet.  It feels good to finally be getting ahead, but good lord being an adult sucks sometimes.

It’s tax return season!  I got mine done and after writing off my interest on my house, medications, child care and soul I got a pretty good chunk back.  I thought of a million things I could buy myself and Noodle, shortly after that though I thought of a million and one things I could pay off.  I did make it a point to have one day of spoiling though, and to buy myself something nice.

Noodle and I went out and got our hair cut, her first professional cut!  Unbelievable that she went with out a real hair cut for 4.5 years, minus one impromptu cut at home.  I was nervous at first, but turns out she had a blast!  She got a nice trim and blow-dry and loved every second of it.  I definitely have a little girl.  After that we all went out to eat and then shopping for me.  I got myself a new laptop.  FINALLY.  The last one I bought was when I first started school, oh I don’t know, 5 years ago?  It held up a long time for a $300 laptop.  In the last year or so, the powercord went out, the keyboard is missing keys, the built in mouse broke… plus just general lagging and so forth.  I had a few friends try to revive it a few times, but it was just time.  So I finally bought myself, for the first time since I’ve been divorced (and far before) something more than a pair of jeans.  I definitely had a hard time handing over my card at the register, but you know what?  I scrimp and save for bills and doctors, and to give my Noodle whatever she wants, it was time for my once-every-5-years present for myself.  Haha.

Unfortunately though the rest has to go to bills.  I signed away my money to owed utilities, mortgage payment, and credit card balances.  Plus a good 1/3 of it is going to my remaining DUI fines.  (Never again folks, a DUI is a very expensive night)  So even though I am ahead, yet back to my budgeted spending money, I feel great! It feels great to get things paid and money put towards savings.  Hopefully this year is the year I stay ahead (since the DUI took that extra last year).

So the last gifts I got for Noodle were on my lunch break today.  I stopped at the kids store and got her a new pair of monkey pjs and wait for it… wait for it… Mr. Potato Head!  Holy shit!  I forgot that they even still made those, and she’s absolutely ballistic that she has a toy “Mommy played with when she was a little girl”.  That and her batteries for that little kids laptop thingy. Oi.

So for now, back to the budget, (with hopefully extra money for savings from our new bonus plan at work) and back to responsible spending.  I am grateful for the break in financial hell though.

Honest to freaking god, it feels like the world finally decided to get off my shoulders.

New year, new life

by

Its another new year. Yup. It happened again, the earth is another year older. She’s one incredibly old woman. See the earth is so old that it got me thinking. Us humans are only on this planet for a blink of an eye. We are only here for what equals a short albeit rank ass bathroom run. With such a short amount of time to be alive why not live to be happy? Live the life of a good person?

Making strides to better your life is a great thing, its hard work, hard work that I’ve embarked on for 10 years or more now. Sure I’ve fucked up plenty… some with dire consequences, but I’ve learned along the way. Some say I’ve learned more than most walking twats my age (I apparently need to use the word “twat” more since I just had to teach my phone that word) or hell, older than me. I think that is a good thing, my past is far from angelic but its made me who I am.

The past few years have been turbulent. Honestly I think they were worse than my teenaged years where finding a place to stay and food to eat were the top 2 on my to-do list.  I had to learn what real love was, what a real man was by going through an abusive, horrid marriage. I had to learn what financial ruin was after leaving said husband to become an unemployed single mom. I learned how to treasure a job because of that. I’ve learned about health and protecting it after I lost mine to Crohns disease.  And (third time is the charm) after losing three friends in a very hellish way over 3 years, I’ve learned to surround myself with positive people and not to tolerate toxicity.

After fucking up again with the DUI last year, I finally got my priorities in order. It took a month of suspension ( therefore staying at home more, which lead to thinking) for me to figure it out.  Since then I’ve been working my hardest to get the life I want and nothing is going to get in my way.

So far things are going swell. I’m thrilled at the path my life is on. I’m happy despite a touch of depression (which for my regular readers…. seems to have subsided once I out myself back in a healthier diet and gotten more sunshine) .

Then a friend of mine texted me the other morning. She told me to check out a web page where a girl was bashing not only me but my parenting, my relationship, my house and my past. Yeah, the same issue with the same girl as before.  I brushed it off at first because frankly I had resigned her to my past but my friend kept insisting I look.  So I did. As I was thumbing through 3 hours of this girl bashing me I realized something. When she did this before it hurt my feelings. I double checked my life because of what a girl who is angry at me said. It sucked. This time? Not so much. I realized that the things she was saying were things meant to hurt me (as well as my boyfriend). Things that were not true. This time I realized I’m where I want to be in life, I have what I want and things only are getting better. I realized that I can’t let the angry rants of someone else hurt me. So I didn’t.

What I also realized is that I wanted the attacks to stop. I’m not one to let someone bully me into thinking down on myself… that and I’m 25. I’m too old for this nonsense. So instead of blasting her online or calling her on the phone, I realized regardless it’ll never stop. I had to be an adult and continue to weed the negativity out of my life… even if its just online bullying. 

So I filed a police report and guess what? The attacks have stopped. Once and for all hopefully. Hopefully she can move on with her life because I am. Do I regret calling the police? No. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

No one should have to tolerate bullying, no one. And honestly life is too short to waste time fighting. Especially what… 5 months? 6 months total?

Now as for today, I’m going to finish my chores, punctuated by coffee in bed. Then Ill go and help the boyfriend move into his new house, watch him take the first step on a new path, a new life as well.

Happy weekend everyone!!

A New Shade, a Clean Slate, a Glass of Wine. Wait, What?

by

So it’s the New Year.  2012.  We (meaning the boy and I) brought it in in a rather tame way.  We stayed up and painted my house, okay, well I painted a little bit.  Oh!  I taped too!  You know like trim?  So yeah, mostly, we just stayed up talking, him painting and me pretending to not check out his ass every time it hung out of his pants.

I think it’s fitting, I do.  Well, his pants on his ass?  Yes, but not what I’m talking about.  Starting the new year with a clean slate.  Or in this case, a clean, re-organized, re-arranged, freshly painted house.  Starting the new year with the boyfriend, working to make it that way.  Starting the new year with one of the people who made last year so fantastic despite the sickness and court.

I am simply amazed.  (No, I’m not bragging.. honestly just writing about it.)  I haven’t been with someone who is willing to do all that this man does.  Helps me paint almost my entire house in 2 days, cleans, is currently cooking us dinner, and has stood by and held my hand during every infusion so far and most of the bad days.  I think I lucked out folks.  Finally after many failed relationships and a fucked up marriage, I may have got one of the good ones… bonus round?  I don’t have to hold him against his will.  Much.

Besides the boy, this year started out on a good foot in numerous ways.  I am still working at the job I love, with people I only want to moderately throat-stab.  I still have my good running car and am done with the dui court dates (no community service, just one more class to go to).  I have my family who loves me and supports me, and I have my little Noodle who is excelling in preschool and life (with a bit of turbulence) despite her scum bag dad disappearing early last summer.  I have my wonderful, now, beautiful house which is all mine (and it’ll take prying it from my cold, bony-ass fingers to get it from me).  Plus my Crohns is finally going into remission.

For this year?  Sure, bet your left ass cheek I have goals… all of which I’ve started on.

-I want to raise my credit score… I made some stupid credit mistakes (only one left to fix) and have to deal with Tim dragging my credit through the mud.  So I started paying my debt this last check.  :)  I want to improve it enough so I can finance something for myself and build it some more.

-I want to really buckle down on this house.  The wood floors are done and painting is now done.  Next on the list, re-hab the whole bathroom, some extra painting and working on my yard/patio.  Back to the original plan of making a good chunk of profit when I finally sell this house (assuming the economy doesn’t crash, or the world ends or Britney Spears finally quits the drugs and gets her kids back again. What?)

-I want to work on the relationships I already have.  The boyfriend, my family, friends and of course with my little Noodle.  My Noodle is my world and I’m the only parent she has… and you know what?  I’m a pretty damned good parent, doing this on my own.  )

-Last but not least I want to get a handle on my life/health.  I’ve improved my diet and can’t wait for spring to hit the forest preserves again.  I am loving my body despite what this disease and all the associated medications have done to it.

Last year ended on a great note for me, I have wonderful people by my side and as the trend continues, life is on the up and up.  So here’s to the New Year!

[oh btw.  love you all and thanks for reading]