Category Archives: Friends

Growing Up or Growing Into?

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It’s Saturday Night y’all!  The boyfriend is hanging out with his brother, and my kid is asleep.  Logically the next step is brew some coffee and write some bullshit.  So yeah.  Here I am.  On the internet.  Three minutes ago I had a realization, something that hit me so hard, so fast, that I immediately felt that need to get the words out of my head.  I can’t find my favorite pen, so blog it is.

I am a New Sarah.

Over the past 15 years, I have reinvented myself several times.  No one Sarah was completely the same.  Some Sarah’s were no good, some Sarah’s were too work-involved, some Sarah’s were at the bottom of the bottle, and some Sarah’s were domesticated housewifes.  So here we go again, I finally realized that I am a completely new Sarah again.

This new Me has been evolving for roughly 3 years.  The Divorce from “He who shall not be named” threw me to rock-bottom.  I wasn’t the best person, I wasn’t the best mom, and I wasn’t a good friend.  Honestly, I didn’t even like me.  Not even a little bit.  Actually, if Present-Day-Me met Me-From-3-Years ago, I’d slap her.  Or me.  Whatever, you get the gist.

I had to have a couple of major blows to my life to straighten out.  Those blows sucked, but I finally got it figured out and apparently just ran with it.  Usually my reinventions are somewhat similar.  Some sort of aspect stays with the next Me, thankfully, this time, the only thing that has stuck is my fuck-you-I-can-do-this attitude.  I think I’m just so amazed because of it.  Looking back on 3 years ago, I am borderline ashamed.  I have moments of deep shame, but then I remind myself that everything I did, caused, or went through, kicked my ass enough to learn from it.  Nonetheless, I am glad to say goodbye to the Old Sarah.  I am glad to kiss that life goodbye and stop glancing over my shoulder to make sure it’s not following me.

Today was a perfect day.  The Boyfriend had to work, so we had a Noodle and Mama Day.  We relaxed together a bit this morning, and after a quick breakfast hopped in the car and headed out.  We ran a couple of errands and then had lunch together.  After lunch, we went straight to the local farmer’s market and bought mushrooms (Noodle), Onions (as a complement to Noodle’s mushrooms), and peanut butter cookies (Me, duh).  Then we went shopping, we roamed around a couple of stores, causing a bit of trouble and looking for deals.  At Target I learned that my kid can con cookies off of ANY bakery in ANY store ANNNNND go back for SECONDS.

We came back to the house and set up some venison chops to marinate, and went right back outside.  It was a gorgeous day, and I don’t think either one of us could stay inside another day.  I had bought her a big jug of bubbles, so I sipped my iced coffee and she blew and chased down and stomped hundreds of bubbles.  A good grilled dinner and some relaxing, and she’s tucked into bed asleep.  I managed to clean the house before I ended up on my computer.

What made me realize the change in myself is that as I brewed my cup of coffee I realized I was/am completely happy and content.  That moment, as my coffee brewed, I thought back and realized how different not only I was, but how different I felt compared to a few years ago.  I finally learned how to live for me (and my daughter) instead of to someone else’s standards, or how I thought I was *supposed* to be.  I finally learned to love ME and my life, all the little quirks and troubles.  I learned to be happy with myself and enjoy the little things, and do it sober.

Things are not perfect and this life has had some pretty shitty moments, but now I realize that it will never be perfect, but I can make it as damn close as I can, and enjoy the ride there.

 

It feels good to stop looking into the past.

Intolerance and Hate

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I had “friended” someone on Facebook that I knew as a child.  She was one of my mother’s friends and I looked up to her after my mom passed away.  I lost touch with her for years and the wonderful world of Facebook brought us back together.

Unfortunately the line that is drawn between us is way to great and I had to delete her.  Our political stances and morals/beliefs are too far apart and I can’t deal with that.  I’d say we’re polar opposites like me and my wonderful friend Em are,  but it’s beyond that.  I’m middle-left-leaning.  She’s so far right, I swear Obama turned gay and personally shat in her Wheaties

As most of you know two very important bills are up today that involves same-sex marriage and rights.  As most of you (should) know, I am FOR equal rights.  I acknowledge that in Christianity marriage is between a man and a woman, but I also realize that not all people are Christian.  Not all people think that way.  Frankly, I believe that marriage is between love and love.  If there so happen to be two penises in the equation, it doesn’t bother me.  If there happens to be two vaginas involved, fuck yes.

Anyway, so in my support of the gay community, I changed my profile picture and posted this:

Booyah bitches.

Booyah bitches.

 

… among other things.  Well, it attracted my mother’s friend.  Her response was to compare same sex marriage to pedophilia.  Yeah.  I’m not cool with that.  I am not even going to waste time to type why I’m not cool with that.  If you don’t know the difference between pedophilia and a same-sex relationship, or think there is any kind of comparison or lead to pedophilia, you honestly shouldn’t be reading my blog.  Or on my Facebook.  Or anywhere near my corner of the internet/county/state.

I informed her that I thought it was a disgusting comparison and was met with several links to articles about pedophilia and nasty groups that are for it.  Needless to say I told her she was a bigot and filled with hate, and that does not belong on my page, or in my life.  I stopped responding and calmed down with a friend over the phone.  Once I calmed down, I un-friended her.

Not only am I offended by her, or appalled might be more of a correct term.. but I am saddened.  I thought that maybe I could learn more of my mother through her.  I have my dad of course, but no one knows a woman like another woman.  I looked forward to selfishly getting something out the relationship but ended up with hate filling my page.

It’s odd.  I’ve always known about the bigots and the racists and such.  Hell, I’ve run into them out in every day life, but to find out someone that you looked up to and looked to as a child has such hatred in her heart is hard to swallow.  I don’t blame it on Christianity at all either, so don’t start that nonsense.  I know that most Christians aren’t like that, but it’s still hard to wrap my head around.

So I guess this is it.  Sorry Mom, I had to delete your friend.  I’m glad you’re not here anymore because I’d have to ask you what the hell you were thinking in the first place.

Expectations are a Bitch and a Half

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I am the ultimate pessimist.  I am.  I’ve been a raging-skull-punch-you-on-the-way-down pessimist as long as I can remember.  I always explain it like this: Hope for the best but always assume it won’t happen because life sucks and you should just get a helmet.  Sometimes, always expecting the negative in a situation bums me out and irritates people but you know what?  Screw off, there is a perk!!  If you expect nothing to happen, or plan for worst case scenario, when things do go your way it’s even better!

Ie:  Holding out for a new position at work.

Expectation: My ass getting canned and THEN denied unemployment.

Reality: Received promotion and desk with sparkles in it.  (You can’t beat sparkles.) (Stop laughing.)

Being a pessimist has almost become a safety blanket for me.  It’s just one more way I protect myself from getting hurt or upset when shit hits the fan… you know, because I expected it to, so I was prepared.

The only catch is is that people are not included in this mess of a safety net.  For some reason, my hopes expectations of people are just as high as I have set for myself.  This includes everyone, I’m talking from my neighbors to my boyfriend, from my kid to the little shit who lives 5 houses down.  Everyone.  Yes.  I’m talking about you.  I’m talking about family, I’m talking about doctors, I’m talking about co-workers, I’m talking about that kid who changed my oil last weekend.  I’m talking about the lady who owns the laundry mat all the way to the got-damned President of the United States.  I’m also talking about the person who is criticizing the fuck out of me for my run-on sentences.  Yes, you too asshole.  I have high-ass expectations for all of you.

“Oh but Sarah, you can’t expect that out of me?!  It’s to harrrd!”

Bite me.  You’re talking to a Single-Mom (not-even-child-support. Nada from the Dad.) who has been suffering with “Moderate to Severe” active Crohns Disease for 6 (5 diagnosed) years.  I went from working 2 restaurant/bar gigs AND odd jobs to an office job all the while trying *not* to die or live in the hospital.  Throw in some domestic abuse, a failed marriage, and sprinkle some good old anxiety and depression on top.  If I can do it, you can do it.

My life isn’t easy, and it’s not the hardest out there, but if I can live up to my expectations of what a person should be, how they should act, then so can you.

It’s not even that my expectations are phenomenal or anything, I always thought they were run-of-the-mill.  Yet, time and time again I am informed that I expect too much.

Too much?  Maybe.

I expect you to not be an asshole.  No seriously.  Just stop being an asshole to everyone.  How about instead of copping an attitude at everyone who looks your way, you can try to say something nice to them or *gasp* try and help another human being with something.

I expect you to be polite and have manners.  (Half of you just choked.)  (Good.)  I am one of the first people to laugh at or crack a horrible blow-job joke.  I am.  However, I hold the door for people coming out after me.  If someone drops something, I try and pick it up for them.  If I bump into someone, I apologize.  Christ people, it’s not that hard.  You walk past someone you smile and say “Hey” or do that stupid head nod thing that people do.  Oh and two words.  ”Please” and fucking “Thank you” <- I especially expect children to say it. (I had two little girls, aged 4, in my office today while their mom was with my co-worker.  They said Please and Thank You for every single crayon I gave them, they even said it to *each other* as they fought over who got to draw with the purple-sparkle pen.  If two little girls can say it, so can grown ass people.)

Work.  If you’re over the legal age to work, I expect you to work.  I don’t care what the hell you do, I don’t.  I just expect you to do it, do it well and not be fucking lazy.  I get it, people have lazy days, most days I decided I’d rather go back to bed before I even leave my bed.  That doesn’t excuse you from doing your damned job.  I’ve also done the dead-end job thing.  I know that if you work hard sometimes it just doesn’t get you anywhere.  My examples:  Jiffy Lube, all 3 greek restaurants I worked at, Elder-care (promotion wise), most retail, the majority of sales (small ticket items), etc.  You know why you should work hard?  Just in case.  Just in case you might get a chance at a different position or a promotion.  Because you should work to *earn* your money, not mooch it.  Also you have to work with other people, so this resorts back to “not being an asshole”.  Don’t make your co-workers days hell.  Work.  It’s called “work-ethic” and you should have it, more importantly we should instill it in our children.

I expect you to be educated.  I’m not talking about college, I’m not even talking about high school.  I expect you to know what’s going on around you in the world, to care what’s happening to other people.  I expect you to have an opinion, even if it differs from mine.  I expect you to pay attention to something beyond the new trinket you just bought.  There is important stuff going on in our world right now, I don’t expect you to be aware of everything, or know every minute detail, because I sure don’t… but I expect a decent attempt.  I want people to have a brain of their own, not to be a mindless sheep.  Why?  Stupid people piss me off.  So don’t be stupid.  Borrow a book, read a newspaper.  You know, Yahoo! has news and Google isn’t just there to look up porn.  Use your brain.

 

I’m not saying you have to be perfect.  I’m not.  I’m far fucking from it.  Sometimes I smoke too much, sometimes I snap at people through out the day because I’m cranky.  Sometimes while you’re talking I imagine strangling you so you stop rambling on about your new manicure.  I have lazy days and I have “Do I really have to put on pants??” days. But I try to be a good person, I try to be nice and courteous, I try to do my job to the best of my ability and I try to be aware and active in the world around me.  That’s all I’m asking of other people, just do it.  I’m a pessimist a million and one days out of a million and two.  I am an optimist when it comes to other people.  If you fuck-heads take that away from me, imagine how miserable I am going to make the world around me. (ha)

 

At least try not to be an asshole.  That’s a start.

What Family Means and Blood Brings Troubles

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I’m aware that I’ve touched on this subject before, if not numerous times, but I need to get these words out of my head and into the world. 

Family to me isn’t as traditional as most.  Of course I have my immediate family; my Dad, Sister, Step Sister and Brother and step Mom, not to mention my daughter.  However, short of a couple cousins (whom I adore), a handful of friends replaces my extended family.  That’s just the way it is, there is no regret, dislike or anything else, it just worked out like that.  As kids my sister and I were never real close with my Dad’s side of the family, and once my Mom passed away her side of the family kind of drifted off (as did us kids).

During all of this, I met several great people who looked after me.  A couple of my friend’s moms are 2nd, 3rd and 4th moms to me, as well as random friends who have known me for years.  These people slowly became what I considered family.  There was no blood involved, just friendships that developed over time, and because of that, we spent time together when we wanted to see each other instead of at obligatory family functions.

That is what family is to me.

…

Some of you know  I have a “half-sister”.  My mother had a baby when she was in her late teen years, and instead of becoming a teen-aged mother she gave her daughter up for adoption.  My “half-sister” is 16 years older than me and apparently lives down south (I thought North, but whatever.)  I’ve only met her once in person, and I was too young to remember.

When she was in her twenties (late teens?) , she found us (through an aunt of mine I believe) and began to contact my parents.  I honestly don’t know my mother’s true opinion of it, but my first memory of her isn’t pleasant.  Lets just go ahead and say that the year before and after my mother passed, my half sister didn’t exactly make it easy on us.  (Think Dad unplugging the phone at 2am when we’re getting drunk-dialed-screamed at from another state, while cancer-ridden-mother tries to sleep.) After she blew off my mom’s funeral she disappeared again for about 7 years.

She surfaced again when I was 18 ( thanks to the same aunt – also the same aunt who blabbed to my Dad that I was pregnant with Noodle – Seeing a pattern here?) and called me.  This time it was to talk about how the fact that she was adopted, that my mother chose to let two wonderful people raise her was the reason she had a drug problem.  She then berated me for choosing to give my own son up for adoption, and then asked to live with me.

After that conversation, fast forward another 4 years or so and she resurfaces.  This time she’s pregnant and needs advice on adoption.  Oy.

Now apparently she’s straightened her life out.  Facebook allowed her to find me and my younger sister, and after almost a year, things finally went south.

[ My sister and I, especially I, have never pursued a relationship with her.   Yes, she is blood related, but we also have never met her (where we can remember) and only know her by the warpath she left behind.  Being friends with her on Facebook made me uncomfortable, it's hard to talk to someone who expects a full relationship out of you when you've never met, much less have nothing but blood in common.  I didn't mind a few jabs here and there and a "like" on a photo, but beyond that I shied away from it.]

Today she messaged me… again.  This time she asked if she should continue to attempt a relationship with my sister and I.  I was honest.  I told her that I didn’t see a point, that we could most definitely keep in touch via social networking but beyond that I couldn’t see a relationship developing and that I wasn’t really interested in working on one.  I told her my views on family and encouraged her to appreciate her loving parents and her own daughter and friends.

The response I got back set me off.  She resorted back to what she always did.  Her Bio family means so much to her, and when Mom died, it hurt her real bad.  - Excuse me while I try not to get mad again -

Yeah.  You know what?  ’97 may have been a long time ago, but it’s still pretty damn fresh to me.  I have absolutely no sympathy.  There is a huge difference between losing a bio-mom whom you met once (and then ditched the funeral for – as well as both grandparents funerals) while you’re in your twenties… and losing the Mom who you saw every-single-fucking-day when you’re in 5th and 3rd grade.  Big-fucking-difference.  It would be different if she hadn’t spent years in a drug-induced stupor, harassing me and more importantly harassing my mom when she was dying.  It would be different if she didn’t wait until she was in her 40s to try and nurture a relationship.  But it’s not.  That’s the way it is, and that’s the way it’s going to be.

I promptly told her what I wrote above ^^, as well as the fact that she shouldn’t go around digging up 16 year old graves to make herself happy.  I wished her well and again encouraged her to appreciate her own family and friends and that I didn’t want to dig up aforementioned grave again.  Then I promptly un-friended her and blocked her.

Maybe I should have had a little compassion, maybe I should have handled it better.  Truthfully?  I don’t care.  I lost all compassion for the situation years ago when I was berated for the same choice she later made.  I lost that compassion when she blamed putting drugs up her nose on my mother (which FYI : No one forced you to do drugs!).  I don’t care.

I’m glad it’s finally done, I hope that’s the last tie I have to cut.  It took me 26 years to divorce myself from her, and I wish it happened earlier.  She needs to move on, she needs to love her own family and nurture the relationships she’s taking for granted.  She needs to realize that we don’t know her, and we don’t want to get to know her.  We’ve been trying to heal the best we can, fix our own issues and problems, and speaking for myself, I cannot take on hers too, again.  I’ve been spending the last couple of years eliminating negativity from my life, and that was one of the relationships I put off getting rid of.

I forgive her for the person she used to be.  But forgiveness isn’t for her, it’s for me, it’s letting myself move on, and get on with my life.  I don’t want to be reminded of what she put my family through and what horrible emotion she invoked.  I forgive her for what she did and has done, but that doesn’t mean I want to be best friends.  I want to be done.

 

 

Family is not blood.  Family is love and caring.  Family is made of the people that stand by you day in and day out.  Family is made of people who love each other, not for their own gain, but just because.

Social Networking Can Kiss My Ass

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Seriously. What the hell. All I know is that facebook has been really getting on my nerves. All the changes, glitches and annoyance. The fact that I select “recent” and still end up with updates from five days ago infuriates me. Why yes Facebook. I know that my friends kid has finally pooped in the potty, Ive only seen the post 160 fucking times in the last four days.

Honestly though, Im kind of burnt out on status updates. Im usually browsing facebook for political banter or to tallk to my close knit group of friends from across the country. Im just fed up with it. But where do I go? I love pintrest but use it purely for DIY ideas and knitting patterns. Twitter? Losing it’s luster too. I hopped on Google+ again and got a migraine … I dont know if I’ll ever get the hang of it.

I have my blog, Im content with that and I’ve thought of deleting everything else but I do use it to post pictures and keep in touch. What the fuck is a twenty something to do in the age of social media when you hate social networking.

Crap.

Valentine’s Day and Loving People

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Welp, another year has passed and its here again. Valentine’s Day. You know, the day where social media is overwhelmed with either singletons whining about how its a meaningless hallmark holiday or pictures of roses, chocolate or proclamations of love.

I used to be in the anti-valentine’s day club. You know, crazy freshly divorced lady. My biggest argument was that you shouldn’t need a single day to make you want to do things for significant other but should all the time.

I still believe that, but I guess you could say that the thought process is expanding.  Now, at 21 + 5 and on my 2nd Valentine’s Day with not-my-ex-husband, I’m adding to my old ideas.

Yes, you should be wonderful to your significant other every day.  You should. You shouldn’t need a reason to show your love. However, if you’re in a relationship where your partner treats you like you’re the got-damned Queen (or King) why is it so wrong to use a hallmark holiday to go one more step? Why not use it as an excuse to do something nice?

Its not. Simple as that. I think that by now we all know it’s a hallmark holiday but all of us know that it also sucks to be single on a holiday that seems to be aimed solely at couples. People who indulge in Valentine’s Day dont have horrible relationships where their partner is horrible to them on the other 364 days of the year. They are in a relationship where thier partner was thoughtful enough to indulge in a silly holiday. 

More importantly. Its not about just couples, at least not to me. Yes, the boyfriend and I celebrated and I got a sappy card and present. However I also spoiled my daughter with candy and a stuffed animal. We made Valentine’s Day cards for her grandparents and I took time to appreciate those who I love, those who love me.

So I guess I’m done being a hater. Vday is okay in my book, maybe its because Im in a long-term relationship.  Maybe its because I’m getting older. But maybe instead of focusing on who we dont have in our lives, we should focus on who we do.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

A-Pick-Me-Up

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Because... Duh!

Because… Duh!

 

Sometimes when you’re down on your luck, angry or hurting, only a good friend can cheer you up.  I’m lucky, I have a handful of very good friends, and a handful of ladies who I could consider my best friends.  Through out these past few years I’ve learned a lot about friends, and what a friendship is really made up of.  Some of these lessons were painful to learn, but the more painful the lesson, the more important and vital it was.

Today, I’ve been grumpy all day.  I haven’t been feeling good thanks to a long-lasting cold (my compromised immune system blows) and my Crohn’s acting up.  Just a plain awful mood.  I felt like laying in bed, but instead dragged my butt to work and did what I had to do and more.  By the time I got home I was ready to curl up into a ball and sleep.  Ryan told me I had received a card from someone and he left it on the Kitchen Table.  So I open it up and instantly smiled.  A thoughtful card and a handwritten message from a friend made my day.  I wouldn’t use that gay saying “turned that frown upside down” but I wasn’t near tears anymore.

Sometimes the simplest things can fix a bad mood, and a card from a friend after a hard day can cheer you up.  It was just an awesome reminder at the end of my day that I am very lucky to have such great friends.  It also reminded me to return the favor and pay it forward.

Over the years, friendships have died, exploded and spontaneously combusted and I’ve learned.  Real friends can live next-door or across the continent.  Real friends could see you every day or you may have never met in person.  Real friends won’t give up when you’re a shit-head and stand by you when the going gets tough.  I’ve learned that sometimes a skype or phone coffee date is more meaningful than weekly ritual ones.  I’ve learned that taking care of a friends teddy bear means more than a lot of people know.  I’ve learned that friendship isn’t defined by simple terms, but by how much you care about someone.

So to my friends, I love you guys.

Calm the FUCK down, even though it’s hard.

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I’m practically ready to turn off the news permanently lately.  There have been so many shootings, both at schools and on city streets, that it makes me edgy.  Horrible things keep happening and in the middle of it all there is the gun-debate.  Even more importantly (at least to me) N. Korea is boasting about attacks against us.  The world is currently a shitty place, but unfortunately for us, I believe it’s only slightly more shitty than it used to be.  We just happen to have the internet and such so we are aware of almost everything.

Am I scared?  For myself?  Kind of.  For my child?  As a parent?  Oh HELL yes.  The year before last, the local PD closed down the road right outside of my daughters school looking for an armed fugitive.  I’ve had those panic stricken thoughts and anxiety.  Each and every single time a new news story hits the networks, I cringe and hope, no PRAY that it’s not anywhere close to my munchkin.  So far each and every time I hear of something horrible that happens, I sigh in relief that my child is safe, then I feel horrible to those parents out there who just lost a child.

However, this is our world.  Our country.  Despite all the horrible shit that is going on, we still aren’t as bad as some countries are right now.  Because shootings are rampant (or at least seem rampant) doesn’t mean we should try and shelter our children from everything.  I understand that it’s scary, I do, but keeping our children out of school or away from after school activities, sleep overs ect does nothing but keep them from what makes life worth it.  I’m right there with you, I don’t let ANYONE I don’t know around my daughter, and I keep up on what happens at her school and the schools she will be going to.  She isn’t allowed on sleep-overs unless I personally know and trust the other set of parents, and I willingly meet other parents so they feel comfortable letting me watch over their little ones.

In order to survive letting our kids out into the world, we have to trust in other people and we have to have faith and hope nothing happens.  To keep our kids from living or even thriving is wrong, instead we should be letting them enjoy their world yet teaching them how to be safe.  Stranger danger, inappropriate touching, and what to do if (god-forbid) something happens at their school.  We have to be prepared but I honestly do believe that sheltering our kids to an extreme point is more harmful than anything.

More importantly, what’s going on isn’t really about us.  It’s about our children’s safety.  We all know it’s hard, and we all know each other is scared.  It’s not about us.  What has me irritated today, is that a fellow mom I know has been weeping on facebook about how she doesn’t want to let her kids out of the house, she doesn’t let them play outside or on play dates, she’s thinking of switching to home school (more power to home-schoolers, I have no problem with it, but if the motivation is only to save yourself anxiety then you might want to re-evaluate).  It scares me, and it irritates me.  It’s become less about her children’s safety and quality of life and more about how hard it is on HER.  The support we all have given her in choices in schools, helpful babysitters and recommendations for her kid’s sports in environments the rest of us trust have gotten us no where but ridicule.  We’re the horrible ones for wanting our children to continue on in their schedules and lives.  We’re the horrible moms and dads who trust *gasp* strangers (public schools/private schools) with our children’s safety.  It’s become all about her.  The tragedies of late have turned into an online whinefest about how uncomfortable *she* is.

I get it.  Like I said, I do.  However, after a couple of weeks it seems more selfish than for her children.  So this is my plea to the public, to the other moms and dads out there.  We live in a world where there ARE bad people.  Instead of running from the horrible things we can’t seem to prevent (even though we try), we should try to make life more safer.  We should educate our children, we should make wise choices.  We should do our best to make the world better instead of more lonely.  Just my thoughts, I apologize if I upset anyone, but the state of everything our instincts to hide our children from the world make it hard.  I think we can do better.

Hippie-Dippie Post : Peace Out Negativity

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So I’m on this bender, and by bender I don’t mean booze.  I’ve been doing my best to organize and simplify my life, but not going as far as stressing myself out.  I’ve conquered my closet (which is going to goodwill) as well as my work-space (at home – meaning my desk) and various other things.  The idea is, that to live simply and keep myself organized, I will keep my stress levels down.  So far it’s been working.

Mostly.

Laundry is no longer a dreaded nightmare, besides the folding of child clothes anyway.  My finances are in order and straight.  My yarn and needles are now all organized and starting a new project or searching for a certain color of yarn no longer makes me smell colors.  It helps.  The little things.  Organizing my coffee cups and donating the crap ones.  Tossing the lonely forever single socks and stacking my books.

So yesterday, I was browsing Facebook and I as I scrolled I realized how much pure and utter CRAP was on my timeline.  I’ve been bitching for WEEKS now that I’m fed up with the political bashing, that I’m fed up with whining, and significant others fighting on Facebook (while low blows really amuse me, it started to get painful to see).

So I kept scrolling.  Do I delete my Facebook?  Well no, my close knit circle of friends from CafeMom are on there, a few of them I talk to on Facebook first before the phone.  Do I spend the time blocking each post I dislike?  Uhm, lazy, and that requires me to not be lazy over the span of a few weeks, long enough for the posts to filter through.  So no.  Bam! (Insert politically charged gun control post) and I about threw my phone.

(For the record, I’m on the fence, I agree with both sides (and both of you need to stfu).  I don’t believe that gun control or lack there of is going to fix the loophole that exists in school safety, a PLAN will.  So shut the hell up.)

My blood pressure rose as I looked at the name.  Wait…. what?  Who is this person?  Well, they live in my town, but do I actually know them?  Maybe.  Are we friends?  No.  I kept scrolling, this time paying attention to names.  I couldn’t believe how many people on my “friends list” I didn’t actually know.

That became my mission for the evening.  Deleting people.  But why just stop at people I don’t know.  How about I delete acquaintances?  I mean, we never hang out, we have little in common, and when was the last time I even talked to you on here?  Gone.  Oh look, there’s that kid who was in my 3rd grade class!  Annnnd if I close my eyes… nope, can’t remember what you look like.  Gone.  So the weeding out began.  Then I realized, what about those people who post shit that pisses me off?  Well, unless you’re a close friend of mine, obviously if we have differing opinions to that degree, delete.

Note:  I didn’t just delete people who have a different opinion than me.  I deleted people who constantly argue with me with out anything to back it up.  I deleted people whom I have no relationship with or haven’t had in a long time, who post blatantly ignorant hateful things.

Facebook hasn’t been my favorite thing in a long time, but unfortunately I do rely on it to talk to long-distance friends and family.  After years of being on there, I just realized that I didn’t need to have people I met at a bar 3 years ago on there.  My Facebook is for my friends and my family.  It’s for my thoughts and articles, debates with friends and pictures of my kid.  It’s for that stupid fucking cat picture that cracks me up.  That’s it.  It’s not for hateful messages, arguments and drama.  It’s not for people I don’t know to have a peek into my life.

So 100+ people gone.

Today, I logged on and started scrolling on my lunch.  Instead of seeing Anti-Liberal / Anti-Conservative bullshit, I saw the update about my friends new baby (gorgeous by the way).  Instead of the “My boyfriends and Ass, I hate him” then two minutes later “He’s sooo sweet, he gave me flowers” from someone I can’t even remember meeting in real life?  I read a update from a close friend’s own store.  I read things I wanted to.  I was able to keep up with the people who mean something in my real-life.

It may seem pretty stupid to you, but clearing up that bit of social media was good to me.

Now look at yours, who’s looking at your pictures of your children?  Who’s reading your FourSquare check ins?  Do you really need to see that kid post ANOTHER picture of him smoking a bong?  You might, I don’t.

Oh Look, it’s 2013.

by

It’s New Year’s Eve.  Again.  You know, I think I’m starting to get old, I didn’t even realize it was New Year’s Eve until I hopped on the Book of Face this morning.  Crap.  How the fuck is it already almost 2013?  I just now started writing “2012″ the first time on my paperwork at the office.  Damn it all to hell, now it’s time to start over.

This year has just flown by, maybe it’s because I AM getting older, maybe it’s just because I’ve been busier this year than years past.  I don’t know, but it seems like just yesterday the leaves changed color, last week, we had the AC on.  I blinked and Christmas is over.  I remember being a kid, and the entire year seemed to crawl by.  Crap.  Maybe I am getting old.

So every year, at year’s end, we all tend to think about what we’re grateful for.  We think about what we could do better in the next year and make all of those stupid resolutions.  I’m no different, this year has taught me how strong I really am.  I’ve gone through some tough shit this year and grew because of it, I closed one chapter of my life and started on a brand new (scary as shit) one.  My co-worker said it best, since I started last year, I’ve done a 180 and you know what?  I like it.

When I started making changes in my life, I thought it’d be grueling, that I’d hate it.  I dreaded ever single step I took, but I found out that each step I took made me stronger.  I like how things are ending up, life needs a lot of work yet, but I’m headed in the right direction.  This next year?  I hope it’s more of the same steps.

So resolutions.  I should make some.  I usually never do but hey, what the hell.

1.  Learn how to balance being a Mom with being every-fucking-thing else.  In 2012, I focused on fixing my “mom-skills” and being a better mom.  It’s been awesome, and Noodle and I have grown ever so close.  When you’re a “Single-Mom” or when the father’s out of the picture (even if he is is calling again – long story), every decision you make revolves around your kids.  Hell.  Normal moms often are guilty of “Well, I really want a latte, but I’m sure that $2.94 can be used for something else, (insert random kid’s name here) really wants (insert random kid item here).” In 2013, I need to learn how to keep working on my relationship with my daughter, helping her thrive, but I also need to learn to take care of myself.  Balance, I do not have it.  Haha, so I’m going to focus on balance.

2.  Trust.  In this next year, I want to learn how to trust people again.  2012 had me working on forgiveness.  I spent all year trying to let go of grudges, and accept some of the blame for my problems.  I forgave people that royally fucked me over, and people that walked out of my life.  I stood up and took the blame where it was due.  I forgave others and I forgave myself.  Now I need to work on my trust so I can work on relationships with people who are close to me.  I’ve already started that and grown closer with my parents, but now, I need to learn how to open my heart to my friends.  So trust it is.

3.  Enjoy the Small Things.  So on this Let’s-Change-My-Whole-Life trip I went on this year, I became pre-occupied with my To-Do list.  Which is no different than any other year.  I’d accomplish one thing (whether mental, relationship-wise, work, or house) and immediately focus on how much more I had to do to accomplish the next obstacle.  I spent a lot of this year worrying.  I want to spend more of next year enjoying the small things I took for granted last year.  Iced coffee by my garden, quiet moments to journal, nights out to dance.  You name it.  I’m starting early.  This morning I got up and started getting overwhelmed by my to-do list.  After Ryan went to work, instead of instantly getting moving, I sat down at my desk and enjoyed my coffee.  Now writing.  The laundry waiting to be folded can wait a little bit.  Mornings with just me and Noodle are only once a week, and she’s occupied with that horrendous furby thing so I have time alone.  (Btw, I didn’t think furbys could get any more creepy… I was wrong, 10 years later and they now practically give me nightmares.) So.  Yeah.  I will enjoy the small things.

 

So it’s about to be a new year, 2013.  I’m excited.  I just know though, that I’ll blink and it’ll be New Years Eve again.  So here’s to my best effort.  I hope everyone has a safe new years.  I’m staying in tonight, so those out there, if you drink please don’t drive, be safe, and I’ll see everyone next year.  Happy Holidays.