Category Archives: Love Life

Growing Up or Growing Into?

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It’s Saturday Night y’all!  The boyfriend is hanging out with his brother, and my kid is asleep.  Logically the next step is brew some coffee and write some bullshit.  So yeah.  Here I am.  On the internet.  Three minutes ago I had a realization, something that hit me so hard, so fast, that I immediately felt that need to get the words out of my head.  I can’t find my favorite pen, so blog it is.

I am a New Sarah.

Over the past 15 years, I have reinvented myself several times.  No one Sarah was completely the same.  Some Sarah’s were no good, some Sarah’s were too work-involved, some Sarah’s were at the bottom of the bottle, and some Sarah’s were domesticated housewifes.  So here we go again, I finally realized that I am a completely new Sarah again.

This new Me has been evolving for roughly 3 years.  The Divorce from “He who shall not be named” threw me to rock-bottom.  I wasn’t the best person, I wasn’t the best mom, and I wasn’t a good friend.  Honestly, I didn’t even like me.  Not even a little bit.  Actually, if Present-Day-Me met Me-From-3-Years ago, I’d slap her.  Or me.  Whatever, you get the gist.

I had to have a couple of major blows to my life to straighten out.  Those blows sucked, but I finally got it figured out and apparently just ran with it.  Usually my reinventions are somewhat similar.  Some sort of aspect stays with the next Me, thankfully, this time, the only thing that has stuck is my fuck-you-I-can-do-this attitude.  I think I’m just so amazed because of it.  Looking back on 3 years ago, I am borderline ashamed.  I have moments of deep shame, but then I remind myself that everything I did, caused, or went through, kicked my ass enough to learn from it.  Nonetheless, I am glad to say goodbye to the Old Sarah.  I am glad to kiss that life goodbye and stop glancing over my shoulder to make sure it’s not following me.

Today was a perfect day.  The Boyfriend had to work, so we had a Noodle and Mama Day.  We relaxed together a bit this morning, and after a quick breakfast hopped in the car and headed out.  We ran a couple of errands and then had lunch together.  After lunch, we went straight to the local farmer’s market and bought mushrooms (Noodle), Onions (as a complement to Noodle’s mushrooms), and peanut butter cookies (Me, duh).  Then we went shopping, we roamed around a couple of stores, causing a bit of trouble and looking for deals.  At Target I learned that my kid can con cookies off of ANY bakery in ANY store ANNNNND go back for SECONDS.

We came back to the house and set up some venison chops to marinate, and went right back outside.  It was a gorgeous day, and I don’t think either one of us could stay inside another day.  I had bought her a big jug of bubbles, so I sipped my iced coffee and she blew and chased down and stomped hundreds of bubbles.  A good grilled dinner and some relaxing, and she’s tucked into bed asleep.  I managed to clean the house before I ended up on my computer.

What made me realize the change in myself is that as I brewed my cup of coffee I realized I was/am completely happy and content.  That moment, as my coffee brewed, I thought back and realized how different not only I was, but how different I felt compared to a few years ago.  I finally learned how to live for me (and my daughter) instead of to someone else’s standards, or how I thought I was *supposed* to be.  I finally learned to love ME and my life, all the little quirks and troubles.  I learned to be happy with myself and enjoy the little things, and do it sober.

Things are not perfect and this life has had some pretty shitty moments, but now I realize that it will never be perfect, but I can make it as damn close as I can, and enjoy the ride there.

 

It feels good to stop looking into the past.

An Open Letter To The Ex-Wives

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[Explanation:  This is not a hack on all single mothers or all ex-wives.  This is for those women who divorce a man for whatever reason but then refuse to let go.  This is for the women who get mad when things start going right for the man that *they* walked out on. This is for those mothers who spend too much money on frivolous shit and then complain when they don't have money for their half of their child's necessities.  Take offense if you must but if you do, think about why you're offended. ] [ This is also not a dig on mothers who want their ex-husbands to pay child support or their half of the child's expenses.  I am also a mother, who unfortunately has an ex-husband who doesn't pay a dime. ]

 

Hey you,

Yeah you.  I’m sure this will get around to you some how.  Someone you know will see it and link it to you, and that’s okay.  I’m cool with that.  I am also writing this so other ex-wives understand what they have signed up for.

I just wanted to explain something to you.  I am an ex-wife too, I, like you decided to end my marriage and continue on, on my own.  More power to you!  However, there are consequences to your actions, especially when your ex-husband decides to enter a long-term relationship with a girl like me.

I am a single mother.  I do it all with out any child-support or assistance from the state (not that that is wrong, unless you abuse it… ahem).  I have worked my ass off to get to where I am today, which includes a mortgage, car, as well as day to day expenses.  I am proud of the fact that I’ve managed to make it this far, and if my accomplishments bother you, too bad.

So lets get down to what is bothering you then shall we?

From what I guess, you’re kind of salty that the man you divorced is living a stable and happy life.  My mistake, but what you could do is maybe get a “real” job, you know one with benefits and hours that let you actually spend time with your kid.  You know, the kind where you don’t drink *and* pay your taxes?  It’s not his fault that you’re broke and it’s not my fault that you’re in the same place as you were when you left him.

Speaking of money.  I’ve told you numerous times that I’ll give you half of the money that is needed for something.  I offered to pay for half of the school supply package, I have no problem paying half of baseball, I have no problem buying the kid clothes.  Hell, I called you a little over a week ago and asked what clothes he needed, “Just maybe some basketball shorts, he’s fine other than that.”  Apparently you forgot that information since “Well he needs a whole new wardrobe” popped up today.  I am not a fool.  I will not be bailing you out of whatever financial hole you have gotten yourself into.  One of the consequences of getting a divorce is becoming financially independent.  It’s called budgeting.

Also, as you may now know, money does not grow on trees.  I understand that you want to send your child to some camp that magically costs $400 (which by the way, I have internet, you shouldn’t lie).  We unfortunately do not see that as reasonable, so we cannot come up with that large of a sum of money.  We do have bills to pay, remember, we’re *not* on welfare?  As a mother myself, I cannot favor one child over another, and since I cannot afford to send my daughter to camp, I cannot afford to send your kid either.  I’m a huge fan of avoiding favoritism.

Also, I need you to remember that you’re the EX.  You are no longer apart of my boyfriends life.  You left him, so there should be no bitching.  I can’t believe that he has repeatedly had to explain to you that he doesn’t want to hear about your day.  There is no need for daily phone calls unless it is from his child or about his child.  I need you to realize that beyond the fact that you’re still alive and at least attempting to provide your child with a good life, neither of us care.  I’m sorry this seems to bother you so much, but you’d think after 2 years you would’ve gotten used to this.  I’ve tried to stay out of it, but apparently you need to hear it from me as well.  I will call you if I have to, and as you already have learned, I will tell you what’s on my mind, how things work with me, and you will listen… again.

You know, we’ve already had this conversation once.  I figured you’d get it, but apparently not.  I realize that there is an adjustment period to getting over the fact that your ex-husband is happy with out you, but honey it’s been 2 years.  Time to get moving.  You can call me the wicked-step-mother or whatever you may, because frankly it doesn’t bother me.  You just need to realize that I’m not going anywhere, I’m here to stay, and I am most definitely not a fool.  The man you left has changed as well, he’s made himself stronger and refuses to be a doormat again.

So I guess what it comes down to is – Suck it up buttercup, because this is the way it is.

 

Sincerely,

A very aggravated girlfriend.

Spoiling Yourself, Just Do It

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Anyone who has kids will understand this, hell singletons and child-free people will get it too.  It’s something I refer to as Mommy-Guilt.  Ever since I had A, I have always felt guilty spending money on myself.  If I could finally convince myself that I need to buy some clothes (in a regular store – I’m also a thrifter), I’d never make it to the register with the *one* pair of jeans.  If I did, I’d curse myself all the way out the damned door.  If I made it to the car, 9/10 times I’d return it before I even got out of the parking lot.

I’ve always been a bit frugal (read: CHEAP), but after A was born it got out of hand.  We’d go to the store with the intention of getting everyone a few new outfits, and I could never bring myself to get myself something.  It was always “Well, the baby needs something new” or “I really don’t need more than the jeans I have, A needs new shoes (again)” or “You know, I have to pay a couple bills, I don’t need this *right* now anyway.”  It didn’t matter if I was down to two pairs of undies and my socks were ruined, I put myself off because something always came before me.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized a little bit behind my thinking, and in the process got angry at myself.  I got angry at my ex-husband for enabling it.  What I had been doing was putting myself at the bottom of the list.  I had the mindset that I was the least important, I didn’t deserve to buy things for myself.  Who was I to spend money on myself when that money could go to (insert random bill here) or something new for A, hell, new toys for the cats came before I did.  I was perfectly capable of buying another new jacket for my ex-husband or another set of baby shoes for A.  Which is not bad in and of itself, but when it came to things I needed, I neglected myself.  I felt like everyone else deserved more than I did.  I felt like a “bad-mom” or a “bad-wife” if I spent money on myself.  It seemed that surely that money could go somewhere else.

You know what?  It could go somewhere else.  I could skip getting myself clothes and save the money for the next bill.  I could skip that new CD download because A will need something soon.  I could put myself last because there will always be something else that needs me to throw money at it.  No matter what you do, there will *always* be something else you could be saving your money for.  Your kids need to be your top priority, but why aren’t you on top too?

You need to take care of yourself too.  You need to treat yourself every once in a while for your own sanity.  As a woman and a mother I know I’ll always put my child and family before myself, but after almost 27 years it finally hit me.  I deserve it.

…

So today we had to run to the store to get the animals some food and pick up milk and bread.  I took a shower and was drying my hair off and I thought about buying a new round brush so I could do my hair right.  Last week I had gotten my first haircut in over a year but had nothing to style it with.  I shrugged, I figured I’d just keep using headbands.  No big deal, it’ll grow out long enough for a clip soon enough.  I turned around, stepped on my last clip and it broke.  I picked it up and threw it away.  I’d buy another one some day.

I went to get dressed.  (I’m very thrifty – so I do have skirts, leggings and a couple pairs of jeans – I love Goodwill!)  I noticed that a lot of my socks and undies were worn.  I tossed out the ones that weren’t worth wearing anymore, or had too many toe holes.  There wasn’t much left.  I tried to think of the last time I bought some undies or socks for myself while I tried to find my bra.  I have one bra that still functions.  I found it in the laundry basket, one of the straps was almost frayed through.  I laughed, I knew the last time I had bought a bra, it was the weekend after my divorce was final… ’09.

I finished throwing on some clothes, got Noodle dressed and put on my boots.  I was super lucky at christmas, my parents bought me two pairs of boots for Winter.  I love them and have worn them daily.  I did however just buy Noodle her spring shoes, and she wanted to wear the gym shoes today.  I dug through the closet and realized there were a lot of busted and old shoes that needed tossing (we all wear our shoes until they are in pieces or Noodle outgrows them).  I started tossing the old ones in a bag, the use-able ones in a tote for the thrift.  Once I found her shoes and the closet was organized, I realized that I had one pair of gym shoes and flip flops from dollar general.  I thought about shoes for spring, then instantly thought “well, A will need clothes for spring soon, I’ll worry about it then.”

Something snapped.  It hit me, all of the things I neglect for myself.  All of the things I promised I’d buy myself when I got my promotion, all of the things I promised I’d get with my tax return when the promotion came and went and I still put myself off.  Damnit, I had bought something for everyone but me,  I wanted functional things too.

I dragged Ry and Nood out of the house and to the store.  We picked up the things we needed for the animals and the house, and then we went over to Target.  I told Ry that I was going shopping and told my mind that I *would* pay.

By the time I was at the register I had a pair of flats and a cute pair of wedges, 4 bras, headbands and a brush, bodywash (not the dollar general variety lol), post-its and pens (work), and some containers to organize pet crap with that I had been eyeing.  I had to think about anything and everything to keep my mind off of the money I was spending.  The nice register girl rang me up and I swiped my card.  The receipt printed out and I snapped at Ry and Noodle to get out to the car.

The whole way home I kept trying to justify that I needed these things.  I kept thanking Ry for “letting” me buy things (haha, I control the finances), and reassuring (no one but me) that I had money for all the bills and such.  I forced myself to take a deep breath and relax.

I do deserve nice new bras and shoes once in a while.  I do deserve to buy basic hygiene crap even if it isn’t the generic version.  I do need to put myself first once in a while.  I need to remind myself to treat myself and take care of myself too.  I need to get a haircut more than once every year, I need to buy undies and such when I need them.  I need to buy us girls new nail polish, I need to wear shoes with out holes in them.  If the bills are paid, my child has what she needs, there is plenty of food, then yes, I need to take care of myself too.

 

 

I just wish it didn’t take so long for me to realize this.

I wish that it wasn’t an acceptable way of thinking.

Happy Sunday everyone, make sure that you treat yourself once in a while.  You deserve it.

My Bitter Moment of the Day

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Today I am home with the kiddo, her tummy is upset and she didn’t get a whole lot of sleep. I picked her up from school yesterday, before she even got her jacket on she started complaining of her tummy hurting.  I didn’t think too much of it, “my tummy hurts” has become the most recent excuse to avoid trying something new at dinner.

Halfway home, her banter about how her day went cut off and a meek “I have to go to the bathroom” came out of the backseat.  ”Honey, we’re about 2 minutes from home, you’ll have to hold it.”  ”Okay” she said and the rest of the car ride was quiet.

We pulled into my driveway, and she opened her door right away.  As soon as she had two feet on the ground she bent over and threw up.  My mouth just dropped.  ”See mom, that’s why I had to go to the bathroom.”  Pretty talented if you ask me, when I have to puke, I can’t hold it for 4 blocks.

So we got inside, with me hoping she just ate too much at snack time and she made it 2 minutes before she puked again.  She puked on and off all night and didn’t sleep too well when she did manage to sleep.  I got up with my alarm this morning at 4:45, checked on her and let my boss know that I couldn’t come in today.

I’m sitting on the couch, with a half asleep child laying next to me.  PBSkids on the tv and Noodle barely paying attention unless I go to change the channel at which she bolts awake and tells me “Mom! I’m watching that!”

She’s feeling a bit better this morning, the puking has stopped for the most part and she ate some dry cereal.  She’s just out of it and wants to relax.  Which is fine with me, we’ve been relaxing on the couch together and I’ve been getting some of the laundry done.  We’re going to try something light for lunch in a little bit.  Hopefully that goes well.

…

This last week has been rough on me for a multitude of reasons.  I haven’t been feeling well to top everything off, which just makes for a cranky me in general.  So each day, on my way to work I think about how everything has turned out.  I’m happy I suppose, but the grass is always greener.

- Regardless of my feelings now or anything else, I am glad I divorced A’s dad.  He wasn’t good for me, and I’m not so sure about for A either.  I am glad I took that step and I will never regret the action to have a safer, happier life.-

Life is stable over here finally.  Both Ryan and I have good jobs with steady paychecks, he likes his job which makes getting him up in the morning that much easier.  Noodle has a school in which she (and I) love, she has wonderful teachers and is thriving.

It just bugs me.  Up until a few months before my divorce, I was a stay at home mom.  In my family (this does not pertain to you, it’s not meant to offend you) it was important to me to be able to stay home with my kid(s).  I could have never predicted that my marriage would turn out the way it would and I’m lucky I’ve been employed since then, but shit.  I finally have a job with normal hours (I’ve been there for 2 years next month) so that makes life a little easier, but I’d still rather be at home and taking care of my kid.  I never thought I’d end up in the work force full-time, I always assumed that until A was out of the house, I’d be a part-timer so I could focus on her and our home.

So post-divorce I’m a working mother.  It’s just aggravating and I can feel my knuckles go white on that drive into the office.  It’s hard especially when shit at the office has been annoying me.  So I’m driving in to a job that makes me want to lobotomize myself, because of which my daughter goes to school 2 hours early and stays 1 hour late (6:30ish to 4:30ish) (which I realize isn’t as bad as it was before my schedule change but still).  I drive in to a job that I automatically lose 1/3 of my pay to the extra hours at daycare (the ex was ordered to pay half of school/daycare costs and child support, but that hasn’t happened since I was divorced in ’09). I drive into a job that I normally like, where I make decent pay (despite A’s school fees) but because of it, dinner becomes a chore, daycare spends more time with my kid than I do, and weekends are so jammed up with shit from during the week that there isn’t a whole lot of time for fun.

The topic has come up with Ryan that once he gets his raise in a couple months, that I can stay home.  Trust me on this one, there has been numerous times this past week that that seemed like a great idea.  It’s hard to think it’s not.  However, the grass is always greener.  Even if Ryan makes enough for a comfortable living, we’d still lose the money that my job brings in to supplement and save.   I wouldn’t have money for the extra things for the kids and wouldn’t be able to put money in our “going-on-vacation-finally” fund or “get-the-hell-out-of-my-house-kids!” fund.  Two things that I definitely like putting money in.  Plus with this economy, I don’t think I could walk away from a job I (mostly) like that is pretty damned stable, and rely solely on one income again.  You never know what could happen, and I know I’d regret leaving my job if Ryan ever lost his.

 

The grass is always greener, I’ll just keep repeating that.  In the meantime I’m off to get the kid in the bath and find something for lunch.

Painting and Splurging

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For those of you who have been to my house or have been keeping up on my blog for the past couple of years or so, you’d know that I’ve been slowly remodeling my house.  When I moved in, it had cheap crappy carpet, shoddy drywall job, and anything that could have been ghetto rigged, was.

I bought this house from a guy who used to flip houses for a living.  He apparently had like 3 going at a time, he’d buy the crappy foreclosures (mine was owned by drug addicts, yay!) and flip them to sell.  Well, he bought my house.  Started the work…. and the economy tanked.  His other houses weren’t selling, and he didn’t have much money to put in on this one.  Hence, the cheap price I picked it up at.

So at first (after the divorce settled down) I started doing little things.  Just basic repairs, then my (then) 2 year old went through a phase which involved dumping syrup on my carpet.  I dealt with it for as long as possible, then decided to tear it up.  My dad and I spent an evening tearing up all the carpet in the front room and hallways and chucking it.  He brought over some laminate “wood” tiles. You lay them just like you would with real wood, but with an adhesive.  Super easy, and it looks pretty damn close to real since you lay them in planks.  Best $300 investment ever (and I even have some left over!!).

During the “blast music and lay floor” fiasco, I met Ryan.  Who I honestly think fell in love with fixing my house as much as he did with me.  With in a few months, he was painting my living room, hallways, bathroom and bedroom.  Just a bit of caulk, spackle and paint made it look ten times better.  The “flipper” had used a flat paint that was sooo cheap, if you tried to scrub it (like when a toddler draws on the wall) all of the paint would come off… so a bit of extra money went into the quality of the paint.

Over the summer, we built a shed, spent too much time in the garden, and besides replacing the water heater and fixtures in the bathroom, it all kind of stalled.  (I guess you can’t really say stalled but whatever.)  I think now that spring is in the air, Ryan’s got the urge to be Mr. Fix it again.  Him and Noodle are now re-painting the kitchen and Ryan spent a handful of hours designing a bigger shed for the backyard.  We’re trying to decide on the size of a deck and the placement of the front fence (which looks like eta of 2014 summer).  While he’s at all his man stuff, I spend time planning my garden, coming up with new ways to organize and be cost effective.

Lets just say it’s working.  The house is looking great, and (even though I’ve been putting off pricing siding) with the money saved just from improvements (energy wise) and DIY instead of contracting, I’m treating my little painters to a greasy lunch.  Italian Beefs, Chicken Strips, Buffalo Wings and fries are coming by delivery… and they have no idea.
What a great way to end a weekend. :)

Valentine’s Day and Loving People

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Welp, another year has passed and its here again. Valentine’s Day. You know, the day where social media is overwhelmed with either singletons whining about how its a meaningless hallmark holiday or pictures of roses, chocolate or proclamations of love.

I used to be in the anti-valentine’s day club. You know, crazy freshly divorced lady. My biggest argument was that you shouldn’t need a single day to make you want to do things for significant other but should all the time.

I still believe that, but I guess you could say that the thought process is expanding.  Now, at 21 + 5 and on my 2nd Valentine’s Day with not-my-ex-husband, I’m adding to my old ideas.

Yes, you should be wonderful to your significant other every day.  You should. You shouldn’t need a reason to show your love. However, if you’re in a relationship where your partner treats you like you’re the got-damned Queen (or King) why is it so wrong to use a hallmark holiday to go one more step? Why not use it as an excuse to do something nice?

Its not. Simple as that. I think that by now we all know it’s a hallmark holiday but all of us know that it also sucks to be single on a holiday that seems to be aimed solely at couples. People who indulge in Valentine’s Day dont have horrible relationships where their partner is horrible to them on the other 364 days of the year. They are in a relationship where thier partner was thoughtful enough to indulge in a silly holiday. 

More importantly. Its not about just couples, at least not to me. Yes, the boyfriend and I celebrated and I got a sappy card and present. However I also spoiled my daughter with candy and a stuffed animal. We made Valentine’s Day cards for her grandparents and I took time to appreciate those who I love, those who love me.

So I guess I’m done being a hater. Vday is okay in my book, maybe its because Im in a long-term relationship.  Maybe its because I’m getting older. But maybe instead of focusing on who we dont have in our lives, we should focus on who we do.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Crohns Disease: what I’ve learned from it

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Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness Week
December 1-7th

I’ve been sick since June of 2007.  I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease (after several misdiagnoses and the almost dead-part) in April of 2008.  It’s been 4, almost 5 years now living with Crohn’s.  It’s been years of grieving what Crohn’s has taken from me, what it’s put my family and myself through.

The drugs are almost the worst part.  6mp and Prednisone have been the worst for me, although the multiple allergic reactions to Humira come close.  6mp and Pred alone caused moonface, hair-loss, weight gain/loss, joint pain and inflammation, migraines, nose bleeds, paranoia and mood swings, and PAIN.  (I’m currently only on Remicade, I am now refusing Prednisone, PERIOD)

I looked at it like this:  So I have this life long disease, that makes me feel like someone is chewing their way out of my stomach, from the inside, with a pack of rabid dogs.  So while my weight yo-yos 40-60lbs I have to take these drugs that make me even MORE miserable in an attempt to go into remission? Greeeat.

The only other thing that really got to me, is when I would have really bad days, days where getting out of bed was a challenge, it really hurt me inside to know that I could be in the forest preserve with my daughter, or working on my house, or hell, anything.  The bad days were brutal.  They would get me in such a funk, I’d think about how if I didn’t have Crohn’s I could be such a better mother, girlfriend, employee.

I focused so long on the things I had “lost”, the things I was “missing out on”, the pain I was in, that I missed the things that living with Crohn’s Disease has given me.  Sure, I have to deal with being sick and the drugs and doctors, but you know what, it’s given me a different perspective.

It took me a few years, but you know what?  I finally realized that I’m a better person because of my battle with Crohns.  I’ve learned that I can still be a great mother even if we don’t play outside EVERY day, I’ve learned that my daughter is very understanding and bright, and her experience with me getting sick (and the hospital stays), has helped her understand another sick little girl and befriend her.

My being sick has forced me to rely on my family and friends, even though it’s against my nature, and in return I learned how much the people I care about, care about me, and how lucky I am to have the people I surround myself with.

I have learned that my self worth is not based on how many days I feel like utter crap, but how many days I don’t let it get me down.  How many good days I have, and how many days I go out and do what I do regardless because FUCK CROHNS.

Because of this disease, I learned that I can have a relationship with a very understanding man who will stand by me and support me through every step I have to deal with, a forced step or not.  Because of this disease, I’ve learned that it’s okay to lean on people and let them know I hurt.  It’s okay not to be super woman all the time.

Most importantly, with this disease, I’ve learned how strong I really am.  There have been some moments where I have been terrified, where I didn’t want to face it, where I wanted to trade in my body on the black market.  Lets face it, I’m going to have more of those days, it’s inevitable.  I’ve learned that I’m strong enough to get through it, make it.  There is a difference between Living Life and Just Living, and I refuse to miss out.  This disease has taught me that I can make it through and enjoy life regardless.

I’ve come a long way with this disease, as many of my “Crohnies” have.  I’m proud of us, I’m happy to see awareness of both Crohns and UC spreading.  Now maybe one day we can find a cure.  In the meantime, I’ll be right here.  :)

I’m still here and so are you.

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If there is nothing else I’ve learned in this relationship I’m in, in this life I’ve lived, it’s to appreciate the small things.  Life is a soul sucking cunt bag, and will deal out some low ass blows.  Sometimes life is shitty, as most of you know my history, and sometimes you just get so run down you don’t notice the little “happy things” anymore.

On the flipside.  Sometimes life evens out.  The bad things go away, life gets a bandaid and you start to heal.  You start to settle into the new direction life is taking.  You start to be happy.  Then.  Then, you stop noticing the “happy things”.  You start getting annoyed at simple things you never worried about before.  There’s nothing exploding in your world, so there’s that thing your kid does, that tone the boyfriend takes.  You spend time getting annoyed with that and forget.

I hate to include this in my writing, but it’s what got me thinking in the first place.  A good friend of mine is currently fighting with his girlfriend.  The whole fight was put on facebook to see, and it rolled around in the back of my brain today.  This guy’s been a long time friend of mine, he’s a great guy and it leave my head that he’s having problems.  So it stuck with me.

Noodle, Ry and I packed up and ran errands earlier today.  Just simple stuff, stopped at the Sprint store, his haircut, and the craft store for me.  It was honestly a good day, we had made a huge breakfast and hung out all morning, so a trip to the craft store made my day.  While we were there I became aggravated at all of the people, I’m not a crowd person surprisingly, and Ry picked that inopportune time to chime in with questions.  I snapped a bit, became more aggravated and walked away to calm down.

As I browsed through glitter, beads and wire, I remembered my friend.  I remembered how upset him and his lady must be feeling.  I remembered some of our bad fights.  I thought about how petty my little outburst was.  As I picked through the glass beads, scoffing at the prices, I realized how good we do have it.  I realized that I had been taking things for granted again, just because things weren’t hectic.

So on the way home, I apologized and we talked about the small things, the “happy things” we take for granted.  The tiff was over, the fight avoided, and things are the same, but better.  Sometimes it takes an outside look, a reminder, and some ass-kicking annoyance to realize how good things are.  How lucky we can be.

 

Frustration and Coffee

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For some reason I’m really agitated today.  I’m not even sure why, there’s nothing I can pinpoint.  I’m just generally anxious and riled up, even though my “vacation” begins tonight.  I feel like I should be doing something, but I have no idea what.  There’s nothing that immediately needs my attention.  I don’t know.

It might just be the fall season.  Usually around Autumn I feel melancholy and I start getting the itch to make big changes.  Except for this year, I haven’t decided on any big changes.  I was thinking of school, but because of current student debt, it’ll have to wait.  Other than that?  I don’t know.  There’s no real changes I want to make to the house until the spring, there’s nothing major with my family.  I don’t know.

Ah well.

So it’s my vacation, or rather “stay-cation”.  I took some time off of work to save what’s left of my mental health.  I’m off of work until Tuesday morning.  I ended up squeezing in some medical crap, but for the most part, the next 5 days are going to be about taking care of me.  Tomorrow morning, I have my remicade infusion, but will be out of there around noon.  Friday, I have my surgical consult, but that shouldn’t take long at all.  Other than that, there’s no plans.

I’m excited, Noodle has school Thursday and Friday and then a 3 day weekend.  So Thursday and Friday are days to myself.  Saturday and Monday, Ryan is working, so it’s Noodle-Mama time.  Sunday?  Family Day.  Maybe I’ll take a tour through the thrift stores, I need winter clothes.  Maybe the forest preserve for writing and music? Maybe coffee with my girlfriends?  Maybe a walk downtown?  Who knows.  Either way, it’ll be nice.

Obviously, from my level of un-called for anxiety, I need this break.

The things I hate about you… and by you I mean Crohns.

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I feel a bit blah today.  I know why too, and I hate it.  Just like I did last time.  Prednisone.  The oh so wonderful steroid that helps so many of us Crohnies, kicks my ass.  Yes, it helps with the fistula and it helps push my disease closer to remission, but good god do the side effects suck.

I’m not sure what it is about this time, but the side effects have popped up in half the amount of time.  I’ve only been on a heavy dose of steroids for just over a week and I feel like I did three weeks into steroids last time.  My body aches, my joints sting, and my skin hurts, especially around my face and shoulders.  My brain is foggy too, which was a huge complaint of mine last time around.

The point of taking steroids this time is to get my body healthy enough for surgery, which I’m willing to do, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to complain about it.  I feel hung over, even if I haven’t had a drink in longer than I can remember.  I feel blah.

It definitely doesn’t help that this week was very busy, especially the last half of the week.  We had two girls out, and I have been playing catch up on top of it after missing days for my hospital stay last week.  Combined with the extra hours I picked up to help out and these stupid drugs I’m on, I’m exhausted.

I got a lot done this week.  I feel like I’m caught up at work for the most part, and the house doesn’t look too shabby.  Bills are paid and errands have been run.  This week was hell, just like last week was, but at least it was productive.  This weekend looks much better though.  Ryan is going to be working a short day tomorrow, so that means lounging around the house until he gets off of work and then relaxing for the rest of the weekend, until my drive to clean and organize steps in anyway.

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As always though, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, as I always do when I get sick.  It seems like when you’re down and out with your health, your true support network shows through.  As always, I am reminded how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life, and how happy they make me.

I’m lucky to have a job that I love and that accommodates me with my odd health schedule.  I may want to torch the place half the time, and bury my coworkers in the back building, but hey, who doesn’t?  I’m lucky to have coworkers who give a shit about how I feel and my overall health… even people I don’t work closely with every day have shown concern.  From truck drivers to stores, every day someone new pops up and asks how I’m feeling and how I’m doing back at work.

Of course I’m extremely lucky to have my parents.  My dad took Noodle for a couple of nights while I was in the hospital last week and spoiled her.  My sister apparently took her to the zoo, but I wouldn’t know first hand, I heard from my Dad.  I’m glad that I have such a lovely family who looks out for my kiddo and takes care of her so I can rest and heal.  My friends have played a huge role, from my “cafe-mom” friends to Katie and Ingrid (Girls I grew up with).  My neighbors even brought over a meal when I got home and have cut me some slack for my crap-mood.  Yet again, I’m reminded that family is not just blood.  Some times people who aren’t even related to you, step up more than blood does.

I am more than grateful for Ryan too.  When we first got together, I was concerned about how he’d react to my Crohns Disease.  I mean it sucks, some days I hurt too much to eat, or am feeling run down enough to just want to lay in bed.  (Granted, I’m still more active than half the people I know haha).  I worried what he’d think about my having to get Remicade Infusions, or when I’d end up in the hospital again (we actually started dating right after my last obstruction ~ cute note ~ he had offered to bring me a bag of books while I was in the hospital, it’s what peaked my interest to begin with. :)).  I was concerned that he wouldn’t be happy with a girl who was sick, and who will be sick until there is a cure found.

At this point though, I’m extremely glad I met him.  He has been by my side every step of the way.   He comes to damn near every doctor’s appointment, and has only missed one infusion (due to work).  He spoils me when I feel sick, and picks up the slack when I’m down.  When I realized it was time to go to the hospital, he came with, helped me with Noodle (ie: getting my Dad to come get her, packed up her and my stuff, and took care of her for the first 8 hours we were there.)  He listened to me bawl because of the pain, then again because of the heavy drugs (I don’t know, I’m a crier on pain meds).  He listened to the pros and cons brought to us by the surgeons, and he met my doctors.

Most importantly, he sat there and held my hand, only leaving when I made him.  I don’t know what I was so worried about.  Crohns Disease hasn’t made me a worse girlfriend, just like with being a mother, it just made me a little more unique.  Luckily for me, I found a man who loves me for who I am, even if my body is a bit off.  It’s nice to know that I am not going through this alone, that Noodle is not going through this alone.  Not only do we have the support of our family and friends but Ryan.  We’re very lucky.

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So worn down I feel today, but all in all I’m not in a horrible mood.  I’m am looking forward to spending time with my kid and the boyfriend this weekend, and just enjoying snuggling in in the morning.  My Crohns may be kicking my ass right now, but that’s not going to stop me from baking cookies with the kid, having a sci-fi marathon with the boyfriend, and enjoying my weekend.  So for now, I’m going to drink this last bit of coffee and wait for dinner to finish.  It smells awesome, and I’m sure since Noodle and Ryan cooked it, I’ll eat every bite.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoys this first couple of days with the Autumn chill and rain.  Happy Friday.