I’m laying outside at my family’s house. It’s 75 degrees with a warm breeze, white puffy clouds in the sky and all I can smell are lilacs. Today would be perfect but I’m still missing something. Otherwise, for the moment I am content.

When I’m outside my head calms down. I can process my thoughts easier. Its less complicated. On days like this though, it’s lonely.

I did something I have never done before.
I quit my job…
…with out another one lined up.

Totally not how I roll, but it had to be done.  I sat down this morning and did some simple math I have been putting off.   I added up February’s pay then I subtracted babysitters pay and gas expenses.  For the month of Feb, I made $35.04, and that’s not deducting Raffa’s pay for this week.  So I’d actually be negative.  Holy cow.  I knew I was negative some weeks but jesus, the whole month?  No wonder my savings is gone.

I seriously thought that I had picked up hookers in my sleep the way my money was disappearing.

So I called my Dad for advice.  I told him the numbers and how I felt like shit that Noodle never got to spend time with me so I could make $.40/hr.  He advised me to quit.  That it’s not worth it.

I knew it wasn’t worth it, but I feel wrong with out a job, even if it is losing me money to work.

So when my shift ended, I told my boss I quit.
Thankfully she understood.

I still feel weird about it.

BUT… I am taking this opportunity to jump headfirst into school again.  I’ve been part-time since I started working (aka Tim and I split up… stupid stay at home mom idea kicked my ass kinda) and have really been dragging my ass with that.  So why the hell not.  God knows the economy is bad right now, Carl, Spook and I were just talking about that.  So why not go to school full-time?  So I’m enrolled in 4 courses this next semester… which starts on monday.  *facepalm*  But whatever, lets knock this BBA out of the fucking ground, so I can move on to a master’s program.

Owned.

—

On a side note, I am in a really strange mood today.  I guess I’m going over the what ifs again.  I really hate this crap, but eh *shrugs*, it happens.  I just hate my timing with everything.  I swear the next time timing fucks me Imma choke somebody.  I’m sick of opportunities popping up at the wrong fucking time, or missing an opportunity because I’m behind.

Who the fuck knows.

What if I had forced Tim to get the detox back in April instead of caving in for the first time?
Would he have kept his job?
Would our marriage have improved?
You know I’m still salty because of the whole losing my insurance thing as well as the “Why don’t you stop taking your Pentasa then?  It’s the same thing!” comment (referring to pot).
Not to mention the lack of birthday presents for Noodle last year.

What if I had left him when I originally thought of it?
Would I have had a chance with someone I missed?
Would I have job?
Would I still live in that god forsaken apartment?
Would I be happy or struggling? Or both?

What if I never went over to his house after my tattoo?

What if I never threw those bonfires?

What if I never enrolled in college?

What if.

Fuck the what ifs.
Unfortunately I can’t get them out of my head though.  No matter what I do, in a spare moment today I think of a what if.  I think of what I potentially missed out on.  I think about  how things could, should, might’ve been.  I think about the future impacts of said decisions, and choices and emotions.
I think a lot.

Which makes me want a drink.

[Which I'm also cutting back on]

Okay first off, I have Jack Bauer, not KS in my basement.
Get your facts straight.

Oh and welcome to the crazy ramblings that are coming out of my head today.
If I make you uncomfortable, promptly hit the X at the top of your browser…
Actually, while you’re at it….
Stop reading my blog, facebook or myspace.
You can even stop talking to me.
It’s prob for the best.
<3

It’s funny what a pseudo mental breakdown can do for me.  It’s real funny.  Going completely manic forces me to analyze my whole life.  I can’t do that in my right mind.  For some reason when I’m completely sane and sober, I tend to overlook aspects of my life that do need to be assessed.

My brain has been a bit off the hook for a while, yes it has been a crazy couple of months, but eh, life sucks.  I’ve tried to re-prioritize several times, but I keep mixing everything up.  I keep weeding out the negative impacts on my life, and yet again apparently I missed some.  Some people are just ninja about it I guess.  *Shrugs* I’ll get them all eventually.  Sometimes finding out who your real friends are takes some time to come to light.  Then I’ll just bury the rest in my backyard.  Because I’m totally batshit crazy like that.  I even have grave markers.

Unfortunately I do know what I want in one aspect.  I know it with all of my heart, but unfortunately that’s not possible for me.  I know time will pass and I’ll change my mind.  The hurt will stop, the bottle will empty but still.  I am spoiled I guess.  I like getting what I want, and knowing something is out of my control sends me into the bin.  My eyes tear up just thinking about it.  It’s hard.  Wanting something so bad, and knowing it’s out of your reach.  Get it.  I can’t.  First time ever that busting my ass won’t get me what I want.  It’s kind of hard to deal with, but something has to knock me off my high horse every once in a while.

So why do I keep after? I know what’s best for me, but I want you instead.  [That song will never leave my head btw, it's seriously ingrained there... kind of like 2 girls 1 cup, no matter how hard you close your eyes, your still pseudo blind] For reals though, it is all for the memories.

Shocker.  (and not the 3 finger kind either)  I broke down to someone twice in two weeks.  I broke down.  I cried.  I talked.  I… opened up?  I felt stupid, I felt vulnerable, I felt insecure.  I feel clear, I feel relaxed, I feel protected, I feel like I gained something I haven’t felt in years.  I was just there venting, crying and spilling my ever stressed out guts.  My friend listened, reassured me, told me what was right.  Let me know that I can do that anytime.  I hope he realizes he is a true friend to me, regardless of whether or not he wants to open for me.  I trust him.  I feel comfortable telling my secrets for the first time in years.  Apparently, as I was informed, I’m human, and I need to stop trying to be so hardcore.  I think I’m working on it. Just knowing that I have some one there regardless means the world.

So confusing. So confused.  So I’m stopping.  I don’t need to add craziness to my life.  I need to balance it out.  I need to reach a middle ground.  I need to hang out with people that compliment my personality, balance me.  People that I can empower, and who empower me.  I need to get my life back in order.  I need my friends and SO to help me, I need to stay away from the rest.

I’m going to get my shit done.  Fresh start.  I started by cleaning my house.

Registering for next semester in school.  Gunna rock it.  Job hunting later.  I’m good.

1000 miles away…. but unlike the song, there is a lot left to say.

“So tell me now, if this aint love then how do we get out?”
Rise Against “Savior”

So I am convinced that I have epically bad timing.  Or rather that “timing” has a vendetta against me.  I’m talking about everything here folks.  The timing doesn’t seem right for me to continue school sometimes, I meet people at the wrong times and it doesn’t pan out, my job may go under at the wrong time, my cat gets sick with bad timing.

*facestab*
(Thanks B, totally stealing that)

Usually, I’d say move on and make it the right timing, but god damnit, it’d be nice for things to just fall into place for a change.  All of this chaos that is also known as my life is really getting on my nerves.  I have this weird vision for how I want my life to play out, and the reality of it just doesn’t fit into that mold.  I want to be in school full time, but again, being a single mom, the timing just aint right.  I met my future ex-husband, and if I had waited until he had gotten his shit together, it might’ve worked, but of course my timing was off and I dove face first into the pavement.  I met a good friend of mine, had it been months earlier, we’d actually go far, but nope, I’m only like a year late lol.  I met a new friend that I wish I had known years ago, but instead we’re playing jigsaw with what we want.  I jumped back into an industry that I was familar with back during my teens, but back then I thought the timing was wrong and moved on.  Turns out, I’m 10 years behind lol.

I just seems like if everything was altered just a little bit, it would work out.  *If* this, *If* that.  While it’s humorous to look back on, I just hate it now.  Why couldn’t I have done this then?  Why couldn’t I have thought of this before?  Why couldn’t I have met so and so before this was set in stone?  I’m left with enough Whys and What Ifs to last me a millennium.

“Would it have worked out?”
“Would I be as interested?”
“Would I have been up and running by now?”
“Would I lose a friend still?”
“Would I be here?”

Would I be happy?
Would I be who I am today?

Not many people peg me as a hopeless romantic, but oh my god am I. To the point where I make myself nauseous!!

The small things mean everything to me, I would much rather go on a walk with someone then receive a gift. Nothing is more relaxing to me than a late night cup of hot cocoa curled under the blankets with someone. Screw the fancy restaurants and clubs, how about a picnic at the harbor. A handpicked dandelion earns more points than a rose.

But I guess that’s out of character for me or some shit. I’ve only told a few people this stuff and the looks of disbelief could’ve scared a nun.

So I guess Ill just keep dreaming.

“I never thought about no future, it’s just a roll of the dice”

So I have a new motto per say.  I need to start putting myself before other people.  I’m getting infamous for helping people out and that is really starting to get on my nerves.  Like being in a choke hold, I feel overwhelmed and obligated.

I have a hard time saying no to people.  I have a hard time realizing that their problems are theirs, that while I can help out, I don’t have to.  (Especially if I’m not getting paid to do so haha).  That while it sucks that other people are having problems, so am I and that I need to take care of my own shit first.

I guess it’s a personality flaw.  I make it seem so apparent that I don’t give a fuck, then dive head first into someone else’s problem, attempting to help out.  I’m starting to think that maybe I should just not give a fuck.  Did that make sense?

—

So other than that life is good, it took me a little while to realize this, and I do need to remind myself time and time again.  I have a few close and good friends and that’s all I need.  I’m pushing forward with my business, and I’m putting time into family and school.  Work can still choke on a fat one, but I’m grateful for my job.  I just need to get my head out of the sand and correct the negative things in my life.

Here’s to the future bitches!

And you neglected I called you out, don’t please
I said we’re stronger than this now
You feared of phantoms and none exist
You still saw fit to destroy it

And I can see the fear in your eyes
I’ve seen it materialize
Growing Stronger each day

“Two Weeks”  by All that Remains

I will not be dragged down.  No bullshit can keep me down.  Eat it and choke on it, keep it keep it moving.

I don’t wanna do a god damn thing, I don’t wanna leave my bed today.

Okay, so I should seriously take this morning as a sign to go back to bed.  Just like I should’ve done with yesterday morning.  The kid made the same exact mess except for instead of cat litter it was rice.  *facepalm* Carl woke me up to it.  I just got up and asked if there was cat litter lol.

So the big stuff is cleaned up, Carl’s back in his room, my kid is watching tv, and I’m picking rice out of my socks. People wonder why I’m only having one kid.  If I had another one that took part in the destruction of my house on a daily basis, I’d have outdoor children.  Wait.  What?  That’s illegal?  I’d give them a heated…. ohhh never mind.  I figure if I kept typing that DCFS would be knocking in record time.

I think in all reality, I’m pretty laid back with parenting.  She’s still alive right?

Just kidding.

Parenting is teaching me a whole new level of patience.  I’m just not sure if I’m learning it or not.

[Life is just the memories we make]

My motto is hard to live by when you know it is going to hurt in the end, but I refuse to give it up.  Life is only memories.  Make as many good memories as you can, otherwise you’ll just regret it and spend your life going “What if?”.  I hate the What Ifs.  They drive me up a wall, so I take every chance I have just so I can say I gave it my all.  The worst that can happen?  You get hurt, you get upset, but you have a few more memories to look back on.

I can say that now I’m raising my standards.

So what I guess I’m getting at is you have to take a chance.  That’s all I’ve been doing since T and I split up, and I have had so many good memories made!  I’m sure one thing will end soon, but months and months worth of good memories is worth the ache.  I know I’ll be kicking myself  when the time comes, but in the end, it’ll be worth it, and I’ll be a different person yet again.

Every single person you meet, changes who you are.  They can have a negative impact on you, or a positive.  I may come out of this with an ache, but my standards are raised.  I’m learning how to open up to people.  I’m learning how to trust someone with my feelings.  I’m learning how to not be self-conscious about what I want and like.  Most importantly, I’m learning how to let people know I’m not super woman, that I need help, that I need a hug sometimes.  That I have emotions beyond my “emotion switch”.  So this half a year or whatever is going to change who I am as a whole, and it means a lot to me because of that.  So purely on that note, I don’t regret anything.  I know regardless I will be a better person, and will better my life because of it.

The ache sure does suck though.

Someone explain to me how I can feel so off track when in reality I’m not.  For real.  I have this feeling that something is askew.  That I’m doing something odd.  I think it might be school, but I’m not sure honestly.

I’m going to see if maybe CLC is a better choice for me, all I know is that I’m struggling now.  I also have been debating whether or not I should switch my major, or maybe the entire direction of school in general.  I don’t know.  Either way I think I’m going to give CLC a call and see if I can talk to a counselor.  I don’t want to waste my time in school, and regardless of the fact that I have little to no motivation to do it right now, I can’t quit.  I know I won’t start back up if I do.

I feel like screaming.  Not really in a bad way either.

Another thing.  I think that I need to start focusing on my health.  I’ve been slacking on a lot of shit, I do exercise, but I don’t do much cardio and eating? Ha!  I’ve been eating so much crap and over-processed food since Tim moved out that it’s catching up to me.  Smoking.  Yeah.  Totally down to at least cut down.

A friend and I went sledding last night, and walking up that hill killed me.  Granted there was a foot of snow on the ground, but it still kicked my ass into next week.  My lungs were fucked (thanks smoking) and my legs burned.  I know part of it is my lack of activity during the winter, but that was pathetic.  So it’s time to kick myself into full gear.  I will not be out of shape.  I will not.  Moral of the story:  You can be a size 3 and unhealthy.

This is retarded.