Time keeps flying..

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Holy crap, it’s already August! Where did the summer go? Hell, where did the first 8 months of 2016 go? It’s almost time for school to start back up for my little one, and she’s not so little. She’ll be going into 4th grade this year, and it still feels like changing diapers and tying little tiny tennis shoes was just yesterday.

She’s super excited, I can’t blame her. She’s now at the age where picking out school supplies is super fun, as well as new school clothes. She’s looking forward to seeing all of her school friends again and is super excited to see who her new teacher is this year. Here I am, panicking because I have a 9 year old instead of a toddler. I have a 4th grader instead of a pre-schooler. Where did the years go?

Hell, time has flown for me too. In 9 years, I’ve been through 2 major relationships, I’ve bought a house, gotten sicker, and gotten better and all of the nitty gritty in between. It’s been one hell of a ride these past 9 years, hell, most of my life, but what I’ve made of my life makes me proud. It definitely has taken some hard work, and there’s a lot more work to do, but I’m where I feel I need to be at this point.

What’s next? I don’t know. I’m planning on some minor remodeling in my home, it’ll take time, but it’s all things I want to be done. Other than that, just planning on enjoying life a little bit more now. I have the peace I’ve been wanting, it’s about time I take advantage of it.

Going Down, Down, Down..

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Now where did your minds go when you read that title? Unfortunately this blog isn’t about that. It’s more or less about dealing with anxiety and depression. Yes. I have both, and yes, I see a therapist as well as take medication to try and stabilize myself. However, it’s not a perfect fix, it never is. I still have down days, things get rough for me, and all I want to do is crawl into bed and hide under my blanket until I feel a bit more “normal”.

Normal. That’s funny isn’t it?

I’ve always been a fairly anxious person, pretty much as far back as I can remember anyway. I remember hiding my bed as a child and worrying about something I said months prior. Nowadays, I tend to get stressed out pretty quickly, and when I do, my mind finds things to worry about.. almost obsessively. Finances, my daughter’s sports/camp, work, friends, my chores. You name it, and I’m dwelling on it. This is the main reason I started talk therapy, which really seems to help.

However, I also deal with depression. Most days I function completely normally, hell, sometimes I don’t even notice it. Then other days (usually after having a string of anxiety-filled-days) it’s like I’m in a deep hole. Honestly, that’s the best way to describe it. It’s like being stuck in a deep, dark hole, and in my case, I know it’s depression, I realize my life isn’t horrible, and I realize whatever I’m throwing around inside of my head isn’t really a life-ending-you can’t do anything right-kind of thing, but I still can’t climb out of that damn hole. It’s so hard to explain it to people. Sometimes it changes too. Sometimes it’s a pity party for one, where I’m just feeling helpless after what I’ve been through (Crohns, Abuse, Divorce, Single Parenting). Sometimes it’s a creeping helpless feeling about things I’m worried about in the future… because my brain thinks that obviously I can’t do it/take care of it.

It’s infuriating. Having both anxiety and depression feels like your brain is trying to tear you in half. “If you don’t get out of bed and start working on this, we’ll fall behind, and then we won’t make the deadline” “Wait! Why even try? You know it’ll just get screwed some how and you’ll get your hopes up for nothing.” So you lay in bed berating yourself to get up, yet telling yourself to not bother. I want to tear my hair out just thinking about it.

I guess what really matters to me, is that I get through it no matter what. I have my good days and my bad days, but I always come out standing, and I make sure that everything is good in my daughter’s little world. I know I’ll make it through, and I know I can do it. It’s just the actually process of fighting through it that gets me.

So here I am, having a rough couple of days. I know it’ll pass eventually, and my outlook will be better. For the meantime, I just wanted to post something, just in case someone else reads it and finds that they can relate.. so maybe someone else doesn’t feel quite so alone.

Twas a 4 Day Weekend..

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So today was the first day back at work after 4 days off. The prior week we also had a long weekend, and only worked 2 days. Lets just say it was a lot more needed than I originally thought. The stress from work and every day stuff had really been building up, and I hadn’t noticed how bad. So it was bliss. I could tell the difference while I was driving into work this morning, (Stevie goes in before me.. haha) I wasn’t making a list of the things I’d need to take care of, and my shoulders weren’t up to my ears. It was very fun, and very laid back and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Thursday, my family came over for the short one’s birthday, in addition to two of her friends. It was so relaxing just to chit chat, have some beers and grill (the new grill rocks!) while the kids tore around the yard. Noodle LOVES her new bike, and is having conniption fits over all her other toys and clothes. She had the biggest smile on her face the whole day! Birthday Number 9 was a success!

Friday was for relaxing. Just took care of some things around the house, and then Steve and I sat outside and had some beers with the neighbors. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, I adore that family. They are like my second family, and if they end up moving this year, I don’t know what I’m going to do without them.

Saturday we had Steve’s uncle and aunt over for more grilling. Noodle went and played next door and got spoiled. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time. Seriously, it was one of those laughing fits where you know there’s a distinct possibility that you might pee yourself. I absolutely adore his family so far, which is a bonus!

Sunday, we worked on the yard and garden. I had already planted, but I wanted to weed again, thin the radishes and put my tomato cages up. We cleaned and organized the shed, put my AC units in, and finished up the house. The end of the weekend was spent sitting on the deck for dinner and enjoying the beautiful weather. My little Noodle was at a sleepover, so it was a kid free evening too!

Seriously, it was a wonderful weekend. Between my daughter making me smile, and Steve making me smile, I don’t think I got grumpy at all (well except before my morning coffee, that’s a given). I can’t wait until our mini vacation next month, it’s going to be great.

I do have to say that I’m really happy with the way things are going with everything. The house, work, Noodle, my relationship with Stevie. Everything’s pretty smooth. It’s been a while since I’ve been consistently happy. I’m glad life took this turn, it’s about time. :)

 

Cheater Cheater – Bullshit Eater

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You know I love social media. I have a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and someone finally weaseled me into a Snapchat (which I’m still trying to figure out how to work.) and I love it. I can keep track of my far-away-move-here-now friends, as well as family I don’t see as often. I use it to store some of my pictures, and share the ones I really love with my friends.

However, these past few weeks have gotten on my nerves. Facebook has that “People You May Know” feature, that with the last update it is now in the middle of scrolling. It’s constantly pulling up two of my exes from a decade ago, as well as my most recent ex’s family. More of an annoyance than anything. Then, my most recent ex, you know the one who used me to get himself where he needed to be, then cheated on me and stole a lot of my shit, Ryan? Yeah that one… decided to follow me on twitter. Creepy. I texted him and he insisted that I was in the recommended people he follow.. so I looked, he follows like 20 people. Basically, he follows me, his mom and sister, and a bunch of news crap and sex accounts. Whatever. Not my deal, if he wants to look at the dumb shit I post, then sure!

Well then, back on Facebook a few days later, a girl named Sarah popped up in the “People You May Know” feature, but I couldn’t see any mutual friends. Her name looked reeeeeallly familiar. Then it clicked, Ryan had used MY Facebook to look her up a few times. When questioned about it, it was supposedly because his buddy was dating her… so it was needed to repeatedly look at her profile. Well, you know hindsight is a bitch, and we’ve all found out how much I got cheated on, so I figured, what the hell. Clicked her page and there he is. Looks like they’re together now.  I’m guessing she was one of the girls he cheated on me with.

Honestly? I’m not even mad. She looks sweet from her pictures, and took him off my hands, so have fun. It gets my mind thinking though over the past few days. Why do women help men cheat on other women (what happened to women sticking together?), and don’t they expect to be cheated on? I mean, it seems logical to me, if you help someone cheat on their significant other, do you really expect them to be faithful to you? Honest question. I’ve never been on that side, so I really don’t know.

That and I noticed that she has kids. I don’t know if she’s letting him around them or not, but has he told her he’s a sex offender? That she will most likely be investigated by DCFS for Neglect? If someone had told me that all in the beginning, I would’ve run for hills. Hell, for all I know, they’re living together and he’s still registering at his family’s house. I actually feel sorry for the girl, if I knew what I was getting into when I first met him I would’ve ran. Hell, it never even sank in towards the end that he’d never be able to do anything with the kids like graduations or parks… it’s the little things for me.

I thought I would’ve been upset or something similar when I figured out who he had cheated on me with, but nope. It’s just sorrow for this new girl Sarah (subnote: that would be 3 ex’s now who date girls named Sarah after me). I  hope he’s been honest with her, and doesn’t damn near ruin her life like he almost did mine. Lying is a tricky game, and one he’s going to eventually fuck up.

Either way, I need to find away to avoid that “People You May Know” section. Exes, bros from high school, and apparently side chicks are popping up way too quick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Growing Up and Getting Older

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My little minion is turning 9 years old tomorrow. She’s been counting down to her birthday for weeks now, and now it’s almost here. I just can’t believe it, this year just flew by! I mean the school year was a blur, and it seems like it was just last summer. She can’t possibly be another year older can she??

She’s been through a lot in her little life, and has come out of it all a wise little girl. She is beyond her years in common sense, and understands things that most people don’t even touch on until their early adult years. That wasn’t in the plan, but I’m amazed at how she handles every day life and problems. I can’t wait to see the woman she grows into, but I’m aware that it’ll all fly by in the blink of an eye. This past school year she excelled at everything, consistently scoring higher than the average as well as her school mates. I am so incredibly proud of her, it’s borderline ridiculous. All I know is I’m about to have one hell of a smart 9 year old, instead of a smart 8 year old.

It’s cliche but time really does fly. I remember people telling me to enjoy every moment because the baby/toddler years will be over in an instant. It’s definitely true. It seems like just yesterday I moved into my house, and Noodle’s best skill was hauling diaper around the backyard. She went from this little thing, carrying around her scrunchies (her word for puff-a-lumps) everywhere to this leggy, spunky kid listening to punk rock and metal and demanding her own band t-shirts.  Where in the world does the time go?

She’s turning out to be such a great kid, kind, caring, smart, beautiful, with one hell of a sense of humor. When I look at her, even when she’s mouthing off (which she obviously got from me), I’m just in awe of the great little girl I’ve raised. I couldn’t be happier.

 

So for her birthday, we’re having family come over for dinner, cake and presents. The plan is a bike, roller skates, and some smaller stuff. We’ll see what I come up with. She’s been needing a new bike, the hello kitty one I got her 2 years ago is just awkward for her to ride.. so that’s the biggest present. She’s so excited, I just want to make it the best I can. Now to find the perfect ice cream cake! She’s also requested my German Pancakes for breakfast, so she’s got a game plan. I hope it goes well. Happy Birthday Noodle!

Summer Time and the Living’s Easy

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I am so incredibly thrilled that it’s warming up outside! It seemed like Winter was lasting forever and Spring would never come. Just to give an example of how wonky the weather has been, we had a freeze warning on Mother’s Day, which is usually the day we can start planting.

Either way, now it’s almost June and it’s finally not so damn cold. The garden is growing, the yard looks good. I still need to add some flowers, but it’s getting there. We’ve been using the new grill too, and with the deck umbrella out, all I need is an extra large glass of iced coffee.

School is out already too, the short one’s district let out early so they could start on construction in the school, so she’s thrilled and bouncing off of the walls. Summer camp starts soon, and she’s been outside with the neighbor boy almost every day lately. I could definitely tell that she was getting tired of being cooped up in the house with all of the rain and gloom outside.

Speaking of school being out, I can’t believe my short one is going into the 4th grade this fall. Time really does fly, and she did so well this past year too. Now if I could just get her to do regular chores, life would be golden. Ha.

So beyond all that, and a Crohns flare, things are actually going really good. Steve’s been helping out a ton, and work is going good. We’re going up to the lake house I think this weekend, and I can’t wait. It’s so nice to go up now since we can bring Thumbs with. When I was still taking care of my ex’s dog, I had to find a dog sitter since she had so many problems.  Potty-ing in the house, howling, chewing, food aggression.. you name it. Thumbs? Well my family can’t get enough of her. She’s so well behaved now, she doesn’t even need a leash up there. Getting out and up north is now stress free.

Oh and for you nosy girls that I call family, yes. I started a new relationship. Started dating Steve, a guy from my shop. It wasn’t intentional, as I wasn’t looking for a new relationship,  but it fell together with the prompting of friends/his family.   I’m a happy girl to say the least, it’s like I found an old soul, with old school manners.. and those of you who know me personally know that’s right up my alley. He makes me smile, and now a days? That’s important.

Honestly, if you had asked me a year ago if I’d be this happy with life, I would have laughed at you. Things aren’t perfect, they never are (mainly my health, but meh, you can’t win them all) but I’m definitely content. I feel like I’m finally finding interest in things again, doing what makes me happy. I spent far too much time living under someone else’s thumb, basically being miserable, it feels so good to finally be me.

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As for this summer, I’m just winging it. Definitely spending more time up north, and with family. It’s been nice reconnecting with friends too, and I do want to take a long weekend out to visit a few friends on my list. The biggest thing on my to-do list is continuing to do things that make me happy. Whether it be reading my books, writing more, or getting myself lost in the forest preserves. A bicycle is in my cards for this summer, now I can finally get one (and seeing as how Noodle’s birthday present this year from Steve and I is a new bike … and roller skates from me.. I’ll need something to keep up with her!) and take the short kid to the trails. Oh and can’t forget the concerts on my list. It’s going to be a great summer!

.. because I’m still here.

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I planted my garden today with a little help from Stevie. Apparently, I’m still not strong enough to drive those metal poles (for my cucumbers and green beans) into the ground far enough to be stable. I planted two different kinds of tomatoes, some bell peppers, of course my green beans and cucumbers (cucumber salad here I come!), radishes, lettuce and carrots. I’m excited that it’s finally warming up enough to plant, although we had a frost advisory last night.

I didn’t plant any flowers yet, that’ll be next paycheck as I tend to go a little overboard with them. Definitely looking forward to picking them out. I know I’m going to get Margarite Daisies, Snapdragons, and some double impatiens if I can find them. I have so many pots to fill, and a flower bed (any shadow loving flower suggestions anyone?). My short kid is in charge of her flower bed, so I’m assuming she’ll pick out the brightest colors she can find.

Haven’t been feeling my best lately, my Crohns is acting up just in time for World IBD Day. It’s really doing a number on my outlook/mood though. I guess I’m just frustrated that it’s limiting what I can do again, and I’ve been missing a bit of work. That, and of course, I’m worried that I’m going to make those around me upset. I’m sure my co-workers are getting tired of me being always sick, and I don’t want to worry my family. My daughter doesn’t seem too phased by it though, and Stevie is really understanding, which helps a lot.

I’m glad I was able to work through getting sick while weeding the garden earlier. I’m really proud of the fact that I was able to continue working through the pain (with the exception of a bathroom break) and get everything done. It really bothers me when I am not able to do what I used to, but I’m slowly learning how to pace myself and how to work around limitations. Although I’m pretty sure that I got a little snappy when I was offered help, but whatev.

Now? Time for some grilled pork chops (that I’m not grilling.. yay!), artichokes and baked beans. Then I shall be curling up to finish my book. Good weekend.