Fatigue & Stfu

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I am exhausted, I feel like I haven’t slept in days. It’s reminiscent of my rambunctious teenage years, where I’d go out drinking cheap beer and staying up all night, but still some how make it to work the next morning and survive.  That’s what it feels like anyway, even though I slept almost 24 hours since Saturday Night.

My eyes burn, my head is woozy, my muscles feel like I just got done running a marathon (add in that my fatass doesn’t run). I’m so tired, so out of it, than when I went to stand up earlier at work, I almost blacked out. (BP dropped too fast) Almost everyone I have seen or talked to today, in and out of work, asked me if I was okay. Apparently I look like death despite my jet black winged eyeliner.

This is the worst my fatigue has been in a decade, since I was first sick with (undiagnosed) Crohn’s Disease. I’m usually a trooper when it comes to toughing it out, coping, and getting through work, but it was enough that I called off work yesterday. It’s just rough. I’m trying to cover everything, you know, up my teas, oils, supplements, and eating, all the way to getting enough sunlight. It’s a task just to get out of bed these past few days, not because of the pain, but because my lack of energy. I can deal with the pain, just not having the energy to sit up in bed is what’s kicking my ass. I’ll either figure it out, or it’ll eventually pass, but… I’m having a hard time.

I don’t particularly like bringing attention to myself at work when I’m sick either. It’s really nice when people ask how I am, but I get really aggravated when it’s followed up with a typical “I know how you feel, I had…” statement. One girl at work really is bad at it, and I’ve been trying for years at this point to not snap at her. This morning it went like this:

Her: “How are you feeling?” Me: Not great.. Her: “Oh, I know how you feel! I’ve been tired lately and this weather has been giving me a headache!!”.

I smile, and go back to work, but in my head I just scream “a booze headache and lack of sleep isn’t the same as being sick for a decade!” The worst is when the other girl at the office says “Well, if you feel that bad, just go home!” I’m sorry, I can’t. If I went home every time I felt like shit, I’d maybe make it to the office once a week, I have to support myself, I don’t have any other choice.

Yes, it’s a bit of a pity party, but I’m tired of it. I’m not going to say anything nasty, but you bet that I’m strangling them in my head when I’m smiling on the outside.

I’m just frustrated.

 

I hope I start feeling more like myself soon.

 

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No Respect

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Disrespect

One of the things I try to really get into my daughter’s brain is to respect people, at least enough to be civil. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like them, don’t agree with them, or whatever, unless they are disrespectful to you.. BE CIVIL.

So far she seems to get it. I’m pretty sure that’s a thing that most parents try to teach, but it’s pretty apparent with my generation, and the half generation before me, it didn’t stick.

For the past year, I’ve been dealing with someone who is for lack of better words.. a bitch. Which I get, I mean, I’m not the most friendly person ever. However, that is something I’ve been working on for a handful of years.

I’ve been forcing myself to be nice, respectful and trying my best to have patience. I still get the odd ball complaint, usually about something I’ve written via email, message, facebook post or whatever, but not nearly as much as I used to.

So this chick, has been disrespectful from day one. She’ll ask me a question and then get huffy at the answer. She’ll snap at me if I ask for something, and just generally cop an attitude with me for existing. It honestly reminds me of the high school cliques. One day it’s fine, next day, it’s nasty looks and whispering behind my back. Just straight up disrespectful. (I still can’t get over the irony of ME trying to be nicer.)

The sad part is, even though I’ve said something about it, several times now, nothing changes. My brain just went into acceptance mode, you know.. I just got used to it.

Until it really got on my nerves the other day, and I snapped back. Oh lord, did she rain hellfire down on me, you woulda figured I hit her car with a baseball bat with the way she reacted. It really just proved what I had already known, she’s used to pushing people around and bending the rules to make it work for her.

No. Fucking. Thank. You.

If it was just some bitch working at my gas station or something, that would be one thing, but someone I have to talk to every single day? Not so much. If she doesn’t want to change her behavior, and no one else wants to correct her, then I’m at least going to stand up for myself.

No one should have to deal with disrespect on a daily basis, much less one single occurrence. It’s enough. Time to force some changes.

United States of America 2017 Edition: Nazis and Fascism.

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Fuck. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. What the fuck. God damn fucking Nazis. 

I thought I was appalled last night when the baby Nazis marched at the college.

Nazi March

(from wn.com) – I am so proud of those college kids, so much for this generation being fragile snowflakes eh?

I thought that would be the worst of the “Unite the Right” bullshit, I thought the worst we’d deal with today was some overweight KKK members and god damn Nazis running around.

I was wrong.

(I am having a very hard time actually writing my thoughts out on this one.. I am. My brain is just screaming FUCK!)

The posts/notifications started flooding in this morning, counter-protesters and the goddamn Nazis were clashing. Well. Yeah, I expected that. I just monitored what was going on and was impressed with the amount of antifa protesters that were out there.

As time went on, some of my Facebook groups started alerting about brawls breaking out. I started paying more attention, how could I not? Video, Audio, and frantic FB/Twitter posts were flying, Fights. Nazis jumping protesters, college kids, anyone. Assault locations, and safe streets/alley ways to meet and get into a group.

Then, the video. You know what video I’m talking about. I’m not going to link to it at this point, because:

  • Three people died in that incident, and their family and friends should not have to see the crash repeatedly, so I won’t contribute.
  • The Alt-Right (aka: God Damn Nazis) are already disputing what has happened, and at this rate I’m not going to argue with anyone over it.
  • BECAUSE FUCK THIS! WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN HAVING TO WRITE ABOUT THIS SHIT IN 2017!!

I hoped onto my Facebook groups and was immediately accosted with several cell phone videos of the accident. After watching/reading about Nazis marching, swastika flags waving, Spencer getting maced (yay), I watched a car plow through a packed street, through people in my own country.

I read through Trump’s (FUCKTRUMP) statement. Our “President” refusing to even ACKNOWLEDGE that Nazis were marching, that swastika flags were waiving in Charlottesville, that we had a TERROR ATTACK on our own soil.

I scrolled through pictures of wounded men and women being treated by EMTs, I scrolled past the (soon to be) iconic picture of the Black Police Officer guarding the KKK. I scrolled past tears, dead, and god damn nazi’s chanting. I scrolled past posts from stormfront applauding the president. I scrolled past men marching with quotes from Hitler on their jackets/shirts and swazis on their arm bands.

IN MY OWN COUNTRY. HERE.

Racism has never gone away, I’m not sure it ever will. I had honestly never expected that large of a KKK/Alt-Right rally in my lifetime… much less .. all of it. Everything. This is the kind of thing that’s not supposed to happen anymore.

So I’m stuck. In my suburban haven above Chicago. Explaining Nazis to my 10 year old, and worrying about my grandchildren reading about how much of a failure our generation has become in their history books. I’m stuck, wanting to help, wanting to do anything at all, wanting to make a stand. Lace up my grinders, and march, fight. Yet.. I’m here. With my family, far away from anything. Talk about feeling useless.

Those of us who have families to protect, and logistical issues.. we CAN do something. We can educate, we can fight back with intelligence. We can fight back with facts and exposure. We can TEACH our children how horrible racism is, and help them see past color and hate and violence, and embrace each other so maybe some day this will be a distant memory, never to happen again on our soil.

We can show everyone what’s happening. There are plenty of people on my friend’s list alone, followers of this blog and many others, who are simply putting their heads into the proverbial sand and pretending this isn’t happening. We can make the United States and the POTUS face what our country has become. This is not something to be ignored, racism, Nazis, HATE must be stopped.

So those of us at home, those of us who can’t march, we can inform. We can move forward. We will make the world change, one child, one person at a time.

Fuck Racism, Fuck Nazis, Fuck the KKK, Fuck the Alt-Right, and FUCK THIS SHIT.

NOT HERE.

Step-Parenting: Working as a Team

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I don’t think anyone really sets out to be a single parent. I know I didn’t. I had delusions of a wonderful husband, 2.5 kids, and white picket fence.. unfortunately the man who I chose to be my husband was actually too full of himself to treat my daughter and I right. So here I am, or was, a single parent.

As a mom, my kid comes first. She comes before me, she comes before my boyfriend, friends, wants and even needs. I will and have burned bridges for her, and have made sure she was cared for and happy even in my sickest days. My daughter is even the type to like to be tucked in at night, so even when I was in the hospital (if she wasn’t with me), I’d call just to say goodnight and sweet dreams. She is my first thought upon waking up, and last thought upon going to bed. I would cross the world for her, because, that’s what mother’s do!

So when I meet a man I’d like to have a relationship with, I make it known that my kid comes first. I make it damn well known that we are a packaged deal, and if he doesn’t want responsibility down the line, or to forge a relationship with my girl, then he knows to take a hike. I’m very up front about it.

(Jon’s and my first conversation went like this – on both sides: Hi, I have kid(s) and a chronic illness. If that’s a deal breaker.. bye.)

Now days, well, we’ve been dating for almost a year I think? We work as a team. He relies on me to help with his daughter, and I rely on him to help with mine. We may be step-parents to each other’s children, but we work as a team.  Our end goal, is two happy, well-adjusted kids in a stable home. Now that’s not to say that a child can’t live in a stable home and be happy with a single parent, (she did, trust me) that’s just our goal since we’re living together.

We’re a team in our love life, so we’re a team in our family life as well. The point of bringing someone into your home, is to envelope them into your family, so we both raise both children.

This came up recently because someone we know doesn’t feel that way. She’s in a long term relationship with someone, and she also has 2 kids with another on the way. She doesn’t feel like it’s responsibility to help care for the kids since he didn’t father them (oddly enough, she has another guy paying child support for a kid that isn’t his.. so that doesn’t make much sense to me). That baffles me, you have someone that you love and supposedly loves you back, that is living with you and your children, and you don’t expect him to help out with your kids? You don’t have your boyfriend care for them? Does he not pick them up from school? Comfort them when they have a fever? Does he not love your children as part of you? If not, then why be with him?

That baffles me. As a mother, I try to be there as much as possible, but with working full time, I’m not. What I can’t fit into my day, Jon does. He cooks meals, drives her places, picks her up, and has basically taken on a fatherly role for her. The love between those two makes me so happy it’s ridiculous. I know he would go to the end of the earth for not just his daughter, but for mine. I am so proud to have him in our lives, he’s a great dad (Noodle doesn’t call him dad, just Jon FYI).

To think that there is a child out there, with a step-“parent” that can’t be troubled to pick his girlfriend’s daughter up while she’s indisposed… disgusts me to be honest. It just continues the horrible step-parent stereotype! “That’s not my kid, so I’m not doing it”. The worst part is? It shows the child that she isn’t loved, it shows her an unhealthy relationship, which of course she will model as she gets older.

I don’t know, it just really confuses me. Why create a family with a man, but exempt your previous children from it? Why be with someone who you don’t trust to care for your kids, or who doesn’t WANT to? Why fail your children like that?

I’m just confused and disgusted.

 

I’m also grateful for the man I have, and that he and his daughter are part of my family. I will kick some ass for that little girl of his, she deserves the world, just like my Noodle.

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We are a Team, We are a Family.

Headaches and Headache Balm

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Most of you know I’m pretty science based. Hell, when you have a chronic illness, you kind of have to be with all of the treatments you have to endure. I’m the first one to throat punch a person who tells me to stop my meds and eat some raw foods to cure my Crohns, or take a walk instead of take my antidepressants. I don’t particularly believe in god, though I tend to swing more towards agnostic rather than militant atheist these days. (Fuck organized religion though!)

However, over the last year or so, I’ve surprised myself by being a bit.. holistic? I’m not even sure that’s the right word I’m looking for. I started using essential oils to treat my anxiety and headaches among other things.

It all started back when my heart started acting up. (Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia, although as time goes by, it seems closer to POTS, but I don’t have the funds to see a different EP for a second opinion.) I had always been a very anxiety-ridden person, and having a racing heart that occasionally needed to be medically stopped, shot my anxiety through the roof. So a friend of mine gave me some essential oils to try for my new-much-more-hard-core panic attacks. They seemed to work.

So I started investigating different kinds of oils and what people use them for. Now, I’m not one to say “Oh, try ingesting 3 drops of this oil, twice a day and you’ll be cured of this ailment!!”, because that’s crap, and we all know it, but I do think that certain scents are calming, and certain herbs have been proven to work as anti-inflammatory (and disproved – I’m looking at you Turmeric.) Over the past year, I started diffusing certain scents that help me calm myself down when I’m overly stressed or anxious, or help me (or my daughter) sleep when a bout of insomnia strikes.

I’ve also started using Headache Balm (which is essentially peppermint and beeswax) which delivers a cooling sensation when applied to the neck and temples. Combine that with breathing and some Excedrin, I can battle my way through a tension headache or migraine without having to use my injections or head into the ER for IV medication.

Last night/today was a prime example. I went out to have drinks with a friend of mine, but a couple hours after leaving the house, I got that twinge in my head that signaled a migraine coming on. I borrowed some of her headache balm and called my boyfriend for a ride. I came home and was able to get some sleep with more balm and a lot of Tylenol.

Woke up this morning, and it was still there. It was miserable. Jon massaged my head with balm and I took a Zofran to battle the nausea that came with it. I also used some oils to keep my anxiety down (which I always get once I get nauseated or am faced with using my very expensive medicine that I can’t afford). By mid-day, it was finally subsiding, with no real damage beyond time lost, so I came home to nap.

Now, I’m enjoying my Saturday night, curled up in my bed (with a a bit of a Crohns flare, been bothering me for a few weeks) and my diffuser going to help me stay relaxed.

The way I figure it, is if the balm and oils has a placebo effect, than great! I’m all for placebo effects! If they don’t work! Then my house smells great and I’m moisturized! I’m not delusional enough to think that some ginger oil is going to cure my crohns, but I do think that some lavender oil helps me sleep, and some lime and geranium picks me up. No matter what, patchouli has always helped me stay grounded. So why not give it a try?

People. Hermit crabs. I want to be a hermit crab.

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So wow. It’s um.. June. Apparently I’ve slacked off on the blog, but I’ve been keeping busy in my physical journals, so it’s all good. Honestly, I’ve been struggling with writer’s block for the last few months, and I can’t seem to break through. Most of my journaling has become diary-esque entries, just to empty my brain.

I haven’t really wanted to write anything political on here. Well, because it’s too easy. Has anyone seen the state of our government or current administration? Red or Blue, it’s basically a shit show, and nothing I say is going to change anything at the moment anyway. I’ve stuck to picking fights on facebook posts to amuse my political side.

Other than that, everything is pretty good. Jon’s daughter is here for the summer, she’s a few years younger than Noodle, but they get along well enough. No blood has been shed anyway, and they both have someone to play with if they want. Definitely a cool little squirt though, can see a lot of her Dad in her. Although there is some issues with her mother, Jon’s been trying to get a hold of her about some things he wants to discuss regarding their child, and she hasn’t been answering for almost a month now. I’m willing to bet that this is going to go the same way my past relationships have re: lazy baby mamas. Joy. Whatever though, thanks to the last two major relationships, I have enough experiences with boyfriend’s exes to tide me over for a lifetime and a half.

Jon is home for the summer too, switching jobs currently, looking at working at a local PD. So while he tests/trains for that, he gets to hang with the kids (which is also a bonus because we avoid childcare then). Plus, I think it’d be nice for him to get to spend the summer with his squirt, who knows what shift he’ll be working next.

However, with the kids being home all summer, I’m definitely not minding going into work nearly as much as I normally do.

I jest.

Kind of.

Beyond that, the garden is in and thriving. We’ve got 3 different pepper plants (one of which is bearing fruit), 4 different tomato plants (including, cherry, roma and an heirloom). 2 different kinds of lettuce, carrots, green onions, green beans, cucumbers.. and my blueberry bushes are actually producing this year! I’m thrilled.

My health is actually okay. I still have some bad days with the headaches, crohns and IST, but it’s much more manageable now. When I have a flare up or episode, it’s more of an annoyance instead of a do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200-go-straight-to-bed.

Noodle is doing great too! 10 years old now, she just had a birthday a couple weeks ago and a family party at the house. Spoiled kid got even more spoiled. She’s been having fun this year riding her bicycle and little dirtbike, now she’s got roller blades to learn. She’s definitely growing up so fast, and I’m more than proud of the lady she’s growing into.

Well other than all of that nonsense, it’s business as usual here. Thought I’d pop in and write a little. Hope everyone is having a great summer.

 

 

Dodged THAT Bullet

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Whenever people meet my current boyfriend, Jon, all I hear afterwards is how good of a guy he is, and how I really dodged a bullet with the end of my last relationship. I always kind of just nod and agree. Jon is a great guy, I love him to death (and I’ll gratefully buy his tombstone after I annoy him into an early grave), so in par with separating myself with the past, I just agree.

The sometimes a blast from the past just hammers what you already know home.

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Yup. I got that right after I had gotten out of the shower, after a long day’s work. That’s my ex boyfriend Ryan’s sister, Jessica. This message was followed up by:

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News Flash Jessica! What he did is no longer just his business, it’s everyone’s business, that’s what happens when you diddle kids.

I guess I must’ve forgotten the whole 4.5 years we were together though. I seem to remember him being unemployed or working for $6 an hour for the first 4 years until he got a union job. I also remember working 70 hours/week in management the first 2.5 years, then back to 40/week for the rest (I still work at the same job as I have when I met him). The hospital thing.. well.. Go Crohns! Maybe she thinks that I did that on purpose? Who knows. *Shrugs* Either way.

This is what she was talking about:

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I made this post after a friend of mine did, her daughter went to this school, and I was so ENRAGED that some creep did this. Just this ONE post.. I’m sure I’ve mentioned him.. like twice in the last year (since he finally picked up his dog) but I guess that’s what “all the time” means now. Why did I mention Ryan anyway? Might as well get it out there. If I’m going to get harassed about it, I might as well be truthful.

Well, he is a sexual predator listed on the Sex Offender Registry for Illinois for aggravated sexual abuse on a minor between 13-16. The offense was before I met him, and I didn’t find out the severity until years into our relationship. I should have ran when I first found out and it was “just once” with a “17 year old”.. instead of when it turned into a “15 year old”,”multiple times”, “included oral sex” and “in a home he shared with his wife”.

I had such low self esteem when I met him, I wanted to believe he was a good person so bad, that I just went with it. I kept telling myself that he was just a good guy who made a mistake. -Insert old news of years of narcissism, cheating, sex hotlines etc-

So I was wrong. That reinforced my idea that people like him cannot change, and they shouldn’t be allowed back out into the world. Some people are scum. As you can see from the post, he wasn’t the point of it. The sicko who videotaped middle schoolers was. However, a couple people found out that he was a sex offender from it.. and it spiraled out of control from there.

The conversation went on with Jessica for quite a bit, but honestly, I’m too lazy to screenshot all of it. She baited me into responding for a little while, making a feeble defense for myself as I was being told I was just desperate, he doesn’t want me (uh good?) and other crap. Honestly, I was just more in shock than anything. Eventually I just said peace out and go away. Her last text was:

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Ha. I’m a hoodrat. Most of you who know me in real life are laughing your asses off right now. Whatever. Then my phone goes off again.

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You might be able to tell.. but I kind of lost my temper. I had to go step outside for a minute. So now, I had his new girlfriend (conveniently with the same name as me.. wtf that makes 3 exes in a row!) texting me.

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So I tried honesty.. (Backstory, I had bought, with my own money a really nice copper wind-chime. The 2nd time Ryan robbed me [and threatened to come take my daughters bed too if I called the police] and I was too chicken to make a report, he took that as well to be petty. So now, when I get stuck behind his ass in traffic the joke is “I don’t miss him, but I want my fucking windchime back”.) ..and just got a snarky admission to keeping my things. Claaaassy. Did she even see the post? It’s not like I screenshot his mugshot from the registry webpage??! Whatever. Not interested.

Then…

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Right. Of course the next logical step would be to have the ringmaster of crazy text me.

All of this when I’m sitting on the couch with Jon, my after-work-cup-of-coffee in hand and kid trying to tell me about her day. All of that over an article I posted on my private page… that blew up because he tried to hide his felonies from people he knows.

I sat there and radiated hatred. My afternoon, fucked up, because those 3 decided the logical step was to barrage me with messages (because obviously that’ll un-rape that teenager). I’m sorry, it’s not my fault that he’s a rapist. It’s not my fault that he likes under-aged girls. It’s public knowledge, hence the registry. He screwed me over, and regardless of whether it’s 2 times a year or once a god damn day, anyone who does what he did to someone, more importantly destroys a 7 year old? I think I’m allowed to be bitter once in a while. So fuck all of that noise. Jesus what a headache!

So after all the shit he had put me through, the manipulation, the cheating, the screaming, and leaving my daughter and I with an empty house.. somehow the powers that be thought it would be okay to let them interject into my world again a year and a half later? Then I looked over.

Sitting there next to me, rubbing my leg, trying his best to comfort me and not hunt my ex down was a man who means the world to me. Someone who looks at me with nothing but love (and maybe a tinge of annoyance as his ribs are so fun to poke) in his eyes. A man who loves my daughter and I despite what we’ve been through.

It hit me like a freight train. I dodged a bullet.

I love a man who picks up my daughter from school just to make my day easier (note: is also legally allowed to be on school property) and to spend time with her.

I love a man who will sit down and discuss a disagreement with me, and exchange apologies with me. (Instead of screaming at me, that I was in the wrong, and at fault for it all.)

I love a man who works his ass off to cover his half of the bills, and takes great pride in what he does and has done. (Combat Vet/Manager – which I am very proud of. Was pretty hard to be proud of someone who you could google and end up on a government registry.)

I love a man who holds my hand when I hurt instead of picking fights with me while I have an NG tube.

I love a man who loves to sit and watch stupid sci-fi with me, instead of hiding an affair and 20 hours of sex-hotline phone minutes.

I love a man who loves me for who I am, who treats me with respect and like an adult. I love a man who I am not afraid of, nor would he ever give me a reason to be.

Sometimes, you need to get a reminder about how lucky you are, and how good your life really is.. even if it’s by three numbskulls who might as well be arguing through AIM in 1999.

A quick police report was made, and then we settled down and snuggled for the rest of the evening. (Yes, I made a police report, not because I actually think Jessica will harm me, but her maturity level would be on par with stealing something or egging my house or some shit. Better safe than sorry.)

Basically, it took a bit of hell and harassment to be reminded of the wonderful man who I have by my side. I love you babe, and I’m sorry if I don’t always show it. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.