I’ll break you down, let this die.

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Warning: I’m in a strange mood.  This kind of mood only comes around every other month or so.  My writing gets kind of odd at this point, so you may not understand it.  Just an FYI.  My apoligies if I offend anyone.  Actually nevermind.  Just choke on it.

Something has got me in this odd funk.  It’s not ness a bad thing, but it’d odd for me, it freaks people out.  I’ll be going from high to low all day and I’m sure I’ll get asked ‘Are you mad at me?’ a million times today.  You know what I’ll say? Yes.

Where am I in this life?  What is the track I’m on?  Who am I hanging out with?  Who cares?  Who’s good for me?  Should I be here?  Does this mean anything to me?  Should I stop?  Will I hurt later? Have I come that far?  Remember that alley way?  Remember his face!  Remember the tears!  Remember the smiles!  Remember the Coffee dates!  Imagine the future.  Who won’t be there?  Who will I miss?  Will I always remember this? Will my heart always have a hole?  Will I like it?  Can I bear to see what’s to come?  Why does fate always fuck me?  Timing is everything, and I don’t have it.

You know what I hate?  When people think I can’t survive with out the constant hubbub of my social scene.  I love my parties and hanging with everyone, but holy fuck, that’s not all there is to me!  I am  more than that!  I am school, I am love, I am cuddling, I am not just a party!

Everyone thinks that that’s the only thing I want to do.  No one wants to come boarding with me, no one wants to go ride bikes, no one wants to sit down and talk over hot chocolate.  NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY IN THE SNOW.  No one remembers I like to cook.  Dinner?  Only if there’s booze.

You know what I wouldn’t give to just sit back at Avalon and write in my journal.  Fuck the smoking ban.  You know what I wouldn’t give to sit at Marina Gardens and write in my journal and smoke cigarettes.  I feel empty with out a coffee buddy.  Well not really, but it’d be nice.  I miss having someone I can talk to like that.  Got one friend who seems unbiased when I talk to him, but he’ll be gone soon.  That’s how it works.  My old coffee buddy is hiding from me, won’t talk because he owes me money.  Money drives everything.

I mentioned the fact that I don’t want to drink that much this weekend to an acquaintance of mine and got the most awkward silence yet.

Yes, I realize I’m starting a business based off my social life, starting a business with someone just like me.  But that’s not all there is to me.

You know what I want in a friend?  Do yah?  Hell, do you know what I want in my love life (since obviously no one gets it lately, well I’m sure someone does, but that’s another story)
I want someone to sit around in their pjs with me and watch movies and music videos.
I want someone to have coffee with me.
I want someone to talk to about everything with out worrying where that info will end up.
I want someone to have a brain.
I want someone to have someone come over at 11pm and sit with me just because they want to be there.
I want someone to dance with me to stupid happy songs at 1am.
I want someone who has no fear of what the future may bring.
I want someone who doesn’t dwell on the past.

On another note, I’ve been placed on a crazy track in life.  CRAZY.  What’s even more ironic is that it’s the straight and narrow to a point.  I’m in school.  I own my own house and car.  I go to work.  I love my daughter.  I am starting my own business with a good friend.  I have big plans for the future.  I will fight until the end. I will not be nothing.  Am I happy?  Yes.  Lonely?  Yes.  But that’s life.

A friend of mine suggested I let ‘Old Sarah’ die.  ‘Old Sarah’ died with Adam.  I’m glad, but it’s caused major reflections on change these past few days.  I am who I am now.  I am not my past.  I am not those stupid things I did.  I am not just the girl with the bottle.  I am me.  I am my own person.  I don’t need those punk rock spikes and combat boots to be me.  I am fine in my jeans and stilettos.  My personality is me.  I don’t need to be normal, I don’t need to be crazy.  I don’t need to be anyone but me.  Imma creep, and you love it.  People bring up “Old Sarah would never do that, she’d kick your ass”.  Yeah you know what?  Old Sarah wouldn’t do any of this!  She wouldn’t go to school, she’d be too head first into a bottle.  She wouldn’t play race cars with her daughter, she’d be at a party acting a fool.  She wouldn’t be having late night tea with her girlfriend, she’d be bitching about being bored.  Old Sarah is dead.  Punk Rock Sarah drowned.  The funny thing is, I’m more punk rock now than I ever was.  Spikes don’t make you punk rock.  Fucking poser.

In between paragraphs I’ve been dancing by myself in the kitchen to my music.  I <3 this.  Laugh, but remember who’s having fun!

Let me out and let me in.

One major change I’ve noticed in myself is my emotions.  In the past I was a cold cold person.  I didn’t let anyone bother me.  I didn’t care about anything.  Someone hurt me?  Oh well.  Move on.  Heartbreak?  Never heard of it.  Tears? Only when I was drunk.  Some one else has feelings? Nah!

This is one thing I’m not used to.  Over the past few years, I’ve been opening myself up to people.  Letting myself feel.  Letting myself get hurt.  I’ve picked up a new motto.

[Life is only as good as the memories we make] [Everyone gets hurt eventually, just enjoy the moment] [Live for it]

If you only do things that you don’t have a chance in getting hurt in, you’ll never live.  You have to make those memories.  Yes, when things end, when shit hits the fan, when people go away, you’re heart will hurt, but you’ll still have those memories at the end of yer life.  That’s all you have.  That’s it.  Look back on life and smile.

Life will always be only what you make of it.  Enjoy.

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One thought on “I’ll break you down, let this die.

  1. JenN-Moo

    You are beautiful you! I know it may not be the music you would normally listen to, but if you can stand it, listen to the words to “Who Says” by Selena Gomez. I love it! And you! MUWAH!

    Oh, btw, I’d come over and chat over cocoa, but we’re just too damn far apart!

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