This is the Real SHIT.

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FYI: This is a journal entry from August 17th 2003.  This is a glimpse into my mind from 6 years ago, this has never been published.

What exactly is love?  No seriously, does anyone really know?  I mean is it a classical romance like the movies?  Where the stars are just right and you want to stay up all night?  Or is it something else?  I mean when you are infactuated with someone the littlest thing seems to be the sign that you are meant for eachother, when in reality if someone else did that same exact thing it would mean nothing, it might even be annoying.  Is loving a boyfriend or husband the same thing as loving a best friend but with sexual compatibility? Most people would say “No, it’s much different, Sarah you’re fucked up” but no one can really explain that answer.  It seems to me that there is a difference, but I can’t explain it either.  I am starting to wonder if it’s just not infactuation talking, and the thought of that just bothers me.

—-

Just the other day, I went out to Denny’s and walked home.  During the half hour it took to get home, I thought about all the previous (hundreds of times) I had walked that same stretch of pavement and what had gone on back then.  How I hated it at the moment, but sometimes I sit back and just want to go back to that.  Fuck me sideways.  But here I am, at another crossroads.  So instead of doing something productive, I’m sitting at Salutos smoking my cigarettes and drinking my coffee.  Dwelling on the future, which is a new idea to me.  But I can’t help it, I have a lot on my mind, and yet again, like always  writing is the only way to save my sanity.

I wonder what my future will be like, will I ever be able to go back to school?  Prolly not, I’m so busy with work it’s not kosher.  I really wish I hadn’t dropped out of school, but what choice do I have?  How am I going to support myself otherwise?  I don’t regret it though, I learned a lot from the consequences of that decision.

So I got another tattoo.  I got a nautical star with a banner over it.  It says “Forget me not”.  It’s to remind me of the person I was before all of this mess.  the person I started out as.  The person who wasn’t cold.

——————-

August 19th, 2003

How ashamed can one single person be?  for real.  I feel like such complete and utter shit, but then again I’ve felt like this for years.  This is such bullshit for someone my age.  I guess everything is just starting to get to me.  Story of My life. 2 steps forward, 8 steps back.  One day I’ll manage my shit and get everything in line.  Can I get out of this rut?   No matter how much everything begins to look up, I fuck up and end up back down at the bottom of the stairs.

“Well it’s been 10 years and a 1000 tears, and look at the mess I’m in”.  – Social Distortion

I’m sitting at Denny’s with a few friends.  Kind of drunk.  Realizing that my life has sunk to an all time low.  Thanks Adam, point out the obvious why don’t yah.  I thought it was bad when I got my ass kicked out of my house, I thought it could only get better.  Maybe he’s right, no more parking lot drinking.  Sera is sitting here bitching about how her fiances’ family is bitching about who goes to the wedding.  Such petty fucking shit.  I hate her for having such stupid problems.  I haven’t eaten in 2 days.  Work hasn’t paid me.  Don’t know why.  Adams here.  I gottah go.

—–

8/30/02

Somethings in life are so hard to come by
The harder you look, the more you die inside.
You think you need it, when you don’t.
Believe me my friend, you’ll be just fine.

Some mornings you wake up wishing you hadn’t.
Wishing you died soundly asleep in your bed
Some days you wake up wishing for an option
I’m sorry, you aint got one left.

Times are rough, will I survive?
You gotta be tough, to even slide by.

—–

October 2nd, 2002

It’s cold in the rain, when you’re by yourself
I can’t stand the pain, I’m talking to myself
Sitting outside against the wall
Sitting and watching my life fall
I can’t stand the pain, I’m here by myself
I have no money, and no food.
No one with me, yet again alone
Then I saw you, by yourself
Picked me up, let me see myself
It’s good to know someone cares
With you, I know, this life I can share
Although my heart may begin to burn
But thanks>

—–

Back to the present times bitches.  It’s always interesting to go through all my old writings, this is only a teensy tiny bit of my notebook.  This notebook went to the depths of hell with me.  Now maybe I should bust out the other 30 journals.  Ha!

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