Over and Over I try not to.

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If I stay.  Well then your tears will set you free

I’ve got my cup of coffee.  I’m pretty content right now.  Until I look up and see how messy my kitchen is.  Wait.  Why are there panti-liners stuck to the stove?  Oh yeah.  Noodle.  Thanks kid.  One of those mornings.

I think my mornings are the most thoughtful times of the day.

“Here I go again, chasing you down again.  Why do I do this?!”

I seriously don’t know why either, I’m definitely not the most clear headed person in the morning.  I think what it is is that my gaurd is down in the am, and I’ll write more personal thoughts vs.  at night I catch myself editing what I’m saying a lot more.

Moving on.  *folds hands in lap* On to today’s topic, Christmas and the like.  I’m not sure how I feel about the holidays anymore.  As a kid I loved them, we never had a ton of presents or anything, but my family was there.  Then my mom died.  She technically died in January, but the last Christmas was kind of weird.

Our family didn’t have much money, so our neighborhood got together and bought everyone gifts and even found someone to dress up as Santa.  (Hey, they bought me my 311 cd…. you know… the one with flames) I didn’t get it as a child, but I do now.  Holy fuck… good Samaritans.  When I’m down on the world, I think of that, kind of restores my faith in society sometimes.

Anyway, for some reason, even though that Christmas was good (yet bittersweet) it makes me sad.  I have a hard time being happy around Christmas.  I do.

Then I tried to build my little family.

“Do you think about everything you’ve been through?”

Christmas was still empty but at least I wasn’t physically alone.

I mean, I’m going to my Dad’s for a bit on Christmas Day, and to Miss Mandy’s Mom’s on the Eve for a bit.  Then of course I have a few buddies coming over for I hate the Holidays drinks.

You can still feel alone in a room full of people.

Eh, maybe I’m just not cut out for the holidays.  Whatev.  I think it’s because I feel so empty around now that I get sick of putting my “people face” on.  Oh well.

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