Trip. Fall. Die.

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I’m not quite sure why I’m writing this today.  Maybe to just get some of this shit off my chest.  Maybe so I can read it out-loud to myself so to convince myself it’s not so bad.  Maybe because I don’t have the slightest clue what to do, and writing feels productive, and it’s the only thing I can do.

I’m sorry for the whining, but I’m in a funk that I can’t pull out of.

I got paid today.  I made $181 for two weeks.  FOR TWO WEEKS.  This is the proof that I’m literally paying to be at work.  If you subtract just my babysitter’s pay and gas money, I’m negative.  This job is now officially a joke and it’s not worth it to be there.   I can’t quit though, that seems even more counter-productive even if I am losing money.

I’m having a hard time finding work that is worth it.  I’ve got a couple of applications in, but for the most part I haven’t heard back from any of them.  I’m beyond panicking.  I’m calm.  I’m numb.  I’m just here.  I want to just quit life, but I can’t.  It’s not in my character, but I’m still stuck in this rut.

I hate not being able to fix things.   I hate having to sit here and think about how screwed things are and not be able to hop in my car, or pull out my calculator, or whatever to fix it.  I hate this.

It’s days like this where I wonder if I made the right decision.  I know I did, but it makes me double-think everything.  I mean, should I really have sacrificed my semi-quazi-stable finances for this?  I know it’s the right decision, but it still bugs me.

It pisses me off that He Who Shall Not Be Named thinks this is easy.  I hope he enjoys his sleep because I sure can’t seem to find mine.

Oh well.

I realize this isn’t a permanent situation.  I know it’ll get better eventually, that I’ll just have to work hard at it.  Hell, I’ve put myself in much worse situations before and survived, this will be no different.

I just don’t like giving up my control.

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