Okay first off, I have Jack Bauer, not KS in my basement.
Get your facts straight.
Oh and welcome to the crazy ramblings that are coming out of my head today.
If I make you uncomfortable, promptly hit the X at the top of your browser…
Actually, while you’re at it….
Stop reading my blog, facebook or myspace.
You can even stop talking to me.
It’s prob for the best.
It’s funny what a pseudo mental breakdown can do for me. It’s real funny. Going completely manic forces me to analyze my whole life. I can’t do that in my right mind. For some reason when I’m completely sane and sober, I tend to overlook aspects of my life that do need to be assessed.
My brain has been a bit off the hook for a while, yes it has been a crazy couple of months, but eh, life sucks. I’ve tried to re-prioritize several times, but I keep mixing everything up. I keep weeding out the negative impacts on my life, and yet again apparently I missed some. Some people are just ninja about it I guess. *Shrugs* I’ll get them all eventually. Sometimes finding out who your real friends are takes some time to come to light. Then I’ll just bury the rest in my backyard. Because I’m totally batshit crazy like that. I even have grave markers.
Unfortunately I do know what I want in one aspect. I know it with all of my heart, but unfortunately that’s not possible for me. I know time will pass and I’ll change my mind. The hurt will stop, the bottle will empty but still. I am spoiled I guess. I like getting what I want, and knowing something is out of my control sends me into the bin. My eyes tear up just thinking about it. It’s hard. Wanting something so bad, and knowing it’s out of your reach. Get it. I can’t. First time ever that busting my ass won’t get me what I want. It’s kind of hard to deal with, but something has to knock me off my high horse every once in a while.
So why do I keep after? I know what’s best for me, but I want you instead. [That song will never leave my head btw, it’s seriously ingrained there… kind of like 2 girls 1 cup, no matter how hard you close your eyes, your still pseudo blind] For reals though, it is all for the memories.
Shocker. (and not the 3 finger kind either) I broke down to someone twice in two weeks. I broke down. I cried. I talked. I… opened up? I felt stupid, I felt vulnerable, I felt insecure. I feel clear, I feel relaxed, I feel protected, I feel like I gained something I haven’t felt in years. I was just there venting, crying and spilling my ever stressed out guts. My friend listened, reassured me, told me what was right. Let me know that I can do that anytime. I hope he realizes he is a true friend to me, regardless of whether or not he wants to open for me. I trust him. I feel comfortable telling my secrets for the first time in years. Apparently, as I was informed, I’m human, and I need to stop trying to be so hardcore. I think I’m working on it. Just knowing that I have some one there regardless means the world.
So confusing. So confused. So I’m stopping. I don’t need to add craziness to my life. I need to balance it out. I need to reach a middle ground. I need to hang out with people that compliment my personality, balance me. People that I can empower, and who empower me. I need to get my life back in order. I need my friends and SO to help me, I need to stay away from the rest.
I’m going to get my shit done. Fresh start. I started by cleaning my house.
Registering for next semester in school. Gunna rock it. Job hunting later. I’m good.
1000 miles away…. but unlike the song, there is a lot left to say.