Look Ma! No Job!


I did something I have never done before.
I quit my job…
…with out another one lined up.

Totally not how I roll, but it had to be done.  I sat down this morning and did some simple math I have been putting off.   I added up February’s pay then I subtracted babysitters pay and gas expenses.  For the month of Feb, I made $35.04, and that’s not deducting Raffa’s pay for this week.  So I’d actually be negative.  Holy cow.  I knew I was negative some weeks but jesus, the whole month?  No wonder my savings is gone.

I seriously thought that I had picked up hookers in my sleep the way my money was disappearing.

So I called my Dad for advice.  I told him the numbers and how I felt like shit that Noodle never got to spend time with me so I could make $.40/hr.  He advised me to quit.  That it’s not worth it.

I knew it wasn’t worth it, but I feel wrong with out a job, even if it is losing me money to work.

So when my shift ended, I told my boss I quit.
Thankfully she understood.

I still feel weird about it.

BUT… I am taking this opportunity to jump headfirst into school again.  I’ve been part-time since I started working (aka Tim and I split up… stupid stay at home mom idea kicked my ass kinda) and have really been dragging my ass with that.  So why the hell not.  God knows the economy is bad right now, Carl, Spook and I were just talking about that.  So why not go to school full-time?  So I’m enrolled in 4 courses this next semester… which starts on monday.  *facepalm*  But whatever, lets knock this BBA out of the fucking ground, so I can move on to a master’s program.


On a side note, I am in a really strange mood today.  I guess I’m going over the what ifs again.  I really hate this crap, but eh *shrugs*, it happens.  I just hate my timing with everything.  I swear the next time timing fucks me Imma choke somebody.  I’m sick of opportunities popping up at the wrong fucking time, or missing an opportunity because I’m behind.

Who the fuck knows.

What if I had forced Tim to get the detox back in April instead of caving in for the first time?
Would he have kept his job?
Would our marriage have improved?
You know I’m still salty because of the whole losing my insurance thing as well as the “Why don’t you stop taking your Pentasa then?  It’s the same thing!” comment (referring to pot).
Not to mention the lack of birthday presents for Noodle last year.

What if I had left him when I originally thought of it?
Would I have had a chance with someone I missed?
Would I have job?
Would I still live in that god forsaken apartment?
Would I be happy or struggling? Or both?

What if I never went over to his house after my tattoo?

What if I never threw those bonfires?

What if I never enrolled in college?

What if.

Fuck the what ifs.
Unfortunately I can’t get them out of my head though.  No matter what I do, in a spare moment today I think of a what if.  I think of what I potentially missed out on.  I think about  how things could, should, might’ve been.  I think about the future impacts of said decisions, and choices and emotions.
I think a lot.

Which makes me want a drink.

[Which I’m also cutting back on]


2 thoughts on “Look Ma! No Job!

  1. Emily

    Stop with the damn “What if’s”… sorry still waiting for my coffee. But really, stop doing that to yourself. “T” in treatment sounds great and all… but there were other underlying issues in him, he never would’ve changed by force… never. And had you left earlier… you’d be all hard on yourself for not trying harder with him. See what I mean? What if’s are evil. And you already know all of this, so you need no lectures from me.

    Point being, you can’t see it (well not always) but you are on the right track (imo). I could keep going here, but it’s too early in the morning to get all sappy here, and I keep forgetting where I’m going with all of this. Eh, so um, bring noodle down here, help me paint, lol. Lubs you!

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