This is new.

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It just occurred to me.  I’m single.  Well almost legally lol.  But I’ve been “single” for almost 8 months.  I’ve managed to keep myself occupied, mostly with every day life stress, and the bullshit that comes along with being a single parent.   Now that things are slowing down, life is smoothing out, I’m realizing it.  I’m single.

It’s just different.  It’s actually been a really long time since I was single for more than… like a month.   A really long time.  Like since I was 16.  15?  I always jumped into long term relationships, and never really had a chance to be single.  I mean, I don’t regret any of those relationships at all, just explaining.

So after 7 years of continuous relationships, I don’t quite know how to be single.  I mean.  I’ve been kind of occupied these past months, but it’s starting to hit in  now.   It’s definitely different.  I like the majority of it.  I like my independence, I always have, and I love my private time after the short one goes to sleep.  Sometimes though, it does get to me.

I mean, sometimes I’d kill just to have someone to cuddle with.  Or if I’m stressed out, to have someone to hold me while I vent.  The moment it hit me was when I got my job at Luther Village.  I got hired on the spot, I left the building and grabbed my cell phone to call… someone.  Then I realized, I mean I could call my friends, but it’s not what I wanted.  I don’t have anyone to celebrate the good things with.

I don’t know.  I only want one relationship and I can’t have that.  That hurts and I need to get over that first.  I mean, it’s still my first response to text him or call him, and I’ve been trying to avoid that.  I think just being alone through the victories are much worse than being alone through the sad times.

Eeeehh.  This is just new to me is all.  Felt like writing it down.

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