Mellow.

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So last night I was that crying drunk.  Yup.  That was me.  I’m very rarely upset when I’m drinking, I’m usually the horribly chipper drunk.  For some reason though, last night, something very small set me off, and I ended up upset for an hour or so.  Made me do some thinking though.

My main issue was that I sometimes wish I had led a normal life thus far.  You know, I have learned a lot from the stupid things I’ve been through, the horrible things I’ve seen.  Sometimes though, I wish I had a more tame life.  I get a little down because every day things don’t mean what they should.  I have the oddest memories attached to everything.  Instead of hearing a song that reminds me of wandering an alley way, the same song should remind me of high school.  I don’t know.  It just gets to me sometimes.

Getting upset yesterday made me realize a few things though, talking it through with N for a bit was a huge influence.  While life would be easier, while my thoughts would be easier to manage if I had led a “normal” life thus far, I wouldn’t be me.  I wouldn’t know all that I know. I wouldn’t be interesting.  I wouldn’t have all the experience I do.  I’d be like every other person I know.

I’ve made it a point to not dwell on the past, but I have to remember to continue learning from my mistakes and accomplishments.  I have to remember my past is what made me me.  I endure the jokes about how hardcore I am, but honestly, for dealing with all of this I am hardcore in one way or another.

So I have to stop worrying about being normal and enjoy being myself.  Even if being me means that I get weird tattoos with weird meanings.  Even if that means that I attach weird songs to weird memories.  Even if that makes me strange.

Lesson learned.  It just sucks that I had to lose an hour to being upset to learn it.  *shrugs*

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