So as you all know, I have a daughter, Ashley. I tend not to talk about her too much, because honestly, I feel like it’s not what people want to hear. Most of my friends don’t have kids, or if they do, they have the perfect life. You know, the white picket fence crap. I feel like I don’t compare. I love my daughter, but I get stressed out. Like I said before, Parenting teaches you patience, I just don’t think I’m getting it! Most days I get so frustrated during the day, then at night I feel bad because I feel like I could be a better parent.
Then of course there’s my current situation, which I can’t stop pondering. (Pondering is a great word. It makes me sound smart… or like Winnie the fucking Poo) I’m in school and work at nights. Usually I don’t have a night off, and one of the days that I have school, which allows me to leave 3 hours later, Noodle is with her dad. She’s with him 2.5 days a week, and it seems like the rest of the time she’s at a sitters house. The routine goes like this. Wake up. Clean up. Eat. Go to sitters. I work, she continues her day and goes to sleep. I pick her up. Put her in bed. Some days I want to quit school just to have an extra day with her, or work nights or something. (I think that’s the stay at home mom in me) However, I know that this is what I have to do to better myself, and better her life. It’s just frustrating.
Anyway. So most days I spend the time frustrated, but every once in a while there’s that moment where I remember that I love being a mom and I’m reminded that she’s my world. She’ll do something so small, say something insignificant, and it’ll pop up. Tonight, Carl and Cara watched her while I went to school. I came home and they had tried to put her to bed and she was being a butt about it. I went in there and picked her up and she said “I’m crying Mama”. Seems small right? But with her clinging to my neck and sniffling, hearing her state something like that for the first time just made me smile. So did finding her stuck under her bed 2 nights ago. Haha.
I guess I’ll just stick it out for those little moment, and hope I don’t screw her up too bad. :)