This is it I’m falling.

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So I’m having a hard time holding it together lately.  The guy I’ve been seeing is moving in a couple days and it’s definitely rough.  I don’t want to give up all the fun we’ve had, and lose one of my closest friends.  When I sit down to think about it, it feels like my heart is emptying out.  It’s hard to explain.

I’m not mad at him moving.  In fact, I support him, I don’t like it, but it’s what he needs to do for him.  I had a hard time figuring that out at first, but now I’m okay with that.  Honestly, I kind of wish I had that option, moving somewhere (new to me though, everywhere I’ve been I’m good with not going back) and starting fresh.  He has such an awesome family as well, I couldn’t stand to be that far away from my Dad for long.  A lot of people don’t understand that I’m okay with him moving.  But you know what, that doesn’t matter to me, understanding is what makes a good friendship.

I guess it’s just hard.  I mean, I found someone who likes to do the things I like to do.  Whose pushed me in a good direction (for a change lol… geeze) and introduced me to new things, and now I have to lose him.  I think that’s why I’m not mad at him though.  I created so many good memories from the last year, and I don’t regret a little heartache in the process.  I mean hell, this boy got me on a mini-bike and peaked my interests in motorcycles…. so instead of a 4-wheeler only girl, I’m going to get my motorcycle license in October.  I got to go to Devil’s Lake for the first time (and second) and go camping for the first time in years.  Oh and hello forest preserves!  I saw dirt-bike races and went to my first motorcycle race, holy shit is that cool.  The 1000’s were the best.  At times I’ve thought, why am I doing this?  Seeing someone who will be moving away, but at the end of the day, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have experienced all of these new things, and made all those hilarious memories.  Most importantly, I wouldn’t have set my standards for relationships higher and I wouldn’t have gained a good friend.

I think more than anything, I’m just going to miss having him around to hang out with. I got a little spoiled with having such a good friend around whenever I got bored.  I mean, I can still call and text him whenever I want, I just won’t have anyone to beat on when I’m drunk.  :)  It’s going to be lonely for a while, but I’ll get used to it, and every day it’ll hurt less and less, and like I said, I can always call him and talk still.  The last thing I want to do is lose that.  I have so few close friends that I tend to claw into them like crazy.  I hope that we’ll be able to hang on to our friendship, I need the kind of friend who puts me in check and kicks me in the ass if I need it, not to mention someone who will let me vent so I stay sane.

I guess it’s just going to take some getting used to.

Other than that I’m doing okay I guess.  I’m having a bit of an issue with my work though, I just simply don’t make enough money there.  It’s a fun place to work, and I have a blast and don’t dread heading in for my shifts, it’s just too far away for the money.  I’m looking all over for a new job, and actually have to run into a little bar/restaurant later for a quick interview.  It’s just rough being broke.

My goal is to find a stable job so I can start stashing away money for next year.  I want to do some minor remodeling on my house and buy a cheap motorcycle and a used car by the winter of 2011/2012.  It’s time for me to start doing things I want and things for myself.  I’ve been busting my ass for so long I want some of the benefits.  :)

School?  Eh.  I’m in the very least changing to my local community college.  DeVry is just too expensive, and I’m honestly not sure I want to stay in my bachelors program.  That’s my main problem right now, I’m not sure what I want a degree in.  So for right now, until Fall at the LEAST, I’m taking a break from school to figure out what I want to do.  The last thing I want is to accumulate a ton of student debt for a degree that I do not want.  So while school is important, it’s not one of my main priorities right now.  I just want to work and spend time with my short one.

All in all yeah.  I’m alive.  It’s rough, but I’m still here.

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One thought on “This is it I’m falling.

  1. Like I said. “All in all Yeah. I’m alive. It’s rough, but I’m still here”, and I am. It hurts less and I’ve improved. It’s still rough, but I’m still here bitches.

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