Okay. I guess I have some explaining to do. My last post was not directly aimed at anyone really. I mean, I had a few people in mind, and a single text started this all day tangent, but it’s a general post. Losing my close friend (via distance) has really forced me to look at my life. Look at my life hard. We’re talking fucking scrutinizing it under a goddamned microscope style. You know what I realized?
I don’t like it. I mean, my life is far from bad, I’ve worked long and hard for 10 years now to fix it. It’s just not as good as it should be! I want so much more out of life and with that and a mending heart, it’s really kicking my ass.
So I analyzed my life. I decided that I need to say the hell with everybody and put myself (and my short one first). I’ve been weeding out the assholes all day. I spend all of my time trying to help other people out, whether it be financially or otherwise and it hurts me in the end. When it comes down to it, 90% of them wouldn’t help me out for shit. I remember earlier this year I was out of diapers and broke, and I text every single one of my friends who had income, and not ONE person helped me out with even a single diaper. So no more. I’m done. I’ve had such a hard time the past few weeks, and have really needed someone to talk to, and only a few (and treasured) friends responded. So it comes down to saying fuck you.
I need to keep improving my life, I need to work on everything and make it better. I have to figure out school, work on my house, buy a bike, fix my car, and spend time with my daughter. I need to continue to get fit and work on my health. Most importantly, I need to keep my heart safe. I am no longer going to put my heart on the line for ANYONE who is not deserving, anyone who is not worth my time. My friends and future relationships must treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I want people in my life who have time for me, who care about me, who will take the risk. That’s the biggest rule. I don’t regret any friends/relationships I’ve had, but that’s it. I can learn to be alone if need be.
I’m improving my life. If you don’t like it, get the hell out of my way. If ANYONE stands in my way I will annihilate you. Simple as that. I have been down on my luck, betrayed and heartbroken way too many times for only being 24. I have seen some things in life that none of you will even begin to fathom. It’s time to climb the rest of the way up that goddamned ladder and either I’ll see you at the top or I’ll wave to you down below when I get there.