I’m not a huge fan of holidays. I’m really not. I go through the motions for my daughter, but I’d much rather skip them all together. I’m finishing up the year of being alone on the holidays. It’s not getting easier. However, it wasn’t that great when I was in a relationship either. I don’t know. So holidays. This year. I do the motions. Noodle goes to bed. Then I drink. I did get to spend my birthday happy though, but that was it. I guess Ill get used to it.
I don’t know, tonight’s a hard one I guess. I knew it would be. I am convinced I am the stupidest person on this damned planet for falling for someone who wouldn’t stay (for a little while) for me. I feel gullible, I feel rejected, I feel alone. I feel fucking angry. Really angry. I feel like I should’ve learned my lesson from the past but apparently I didn’t. Now I’m just jaded at 24. I automatically dismiss people, even as friends if they are remotely planning on leaving. So now, I’m not only left with the what ifs from the past year, but a whole new bout of them because of the way I see things now. I wonder if this socially screwed me.
“Is this you’re salvation, is this all you can give, I’ll not stand in reflection of someone elses dream.” -As I Lay Dying
I refuse to be discarded because I make someone’s dream a tad bit more difficult. I refuse to be treated like that. I want someone to include me in their dreams. I am the most self-driven person on the planet. If I have someone that I love, but they conflict with my plans, I make them work. There is always a way to make things work, it just requires a little bit of flexibility and imagination. <- I want someone who thinks like me. I will not settle for someone who won’t take a risk to be happy, for something they know can work.
I just don’t understand people I guess. Maybe I’m just different from everyone else. Like I posted on facebook “Love is a rare thing, hold on to it with both hands”, I do, but you know what, it doesn’t matter if you do or not if the other person holds on with just one hand.