I am so frustrated tonight. Seriously, excuse the pity party but I’m not in a good mood. So I was staying up with my kiddo so she could finish the book she was reading. My stomach growled, and she asked if I was hungry. Which I was since I hadn’t been able to eat today. So she says she’s hungry and wants spaghetti. I start cooking, get everything done, the bread out of the oven, and by that time I’m too nauseous to move. I make myself a plate anyway. I chew. It hurts. My fucking wisdom tooth is coming in. I swallow the food and choke. I didn’t chew enough for the food to get past the swelling in my throat. I get it down and with in 5 minutes I’m in pain. Stomach. I threw it away. I ate a couple french fries yesterday and part of a tortilla so yeah. That’s something. D:
When I’m dealing with stress, I take the problem head-the-fuck-on. I deal with it. Then I use my routines to calm me down afterwards, fight off the anxiety. It’s like having a zombie chewing on your shoulder until you can calm down. This will prob make every one laugh a little bit, but I was referred to as Sarah Lee and Suzy Homemaker for a while for a reason. *Snort* My routines are: In the morning I sit outside with my coffee and read the news. In the afternoon, I clean up and start dinner, sitting down to a homemade meal is awesome for my nerves. At night I read and drink my tea. Now take being able to chew/swallow/digest out of those and yeahhh.
So it’s like I spend all day tweaking out, fixing shit and facing the issues, but I have no escape. The only other escapes I have found were riding on a bike (which I can no longer do, since no one I know really rides), going to the forest preserve, but it’s been too hott and I’ve been too sick, and drinking. Drinking gets old. I prefer my six pack on my stomach not inside of it. So by the end of the day I’m so stressed out an anxiety attack is unavoidable. I’m going to actually try my klonopin and stay on it for a while to see if that help.
All I know is that I’m tired. Between being sick and the throat “mass”, finances, and being a single mom, I’m losing it. For the first time in my life, I’m actually scared that I might not be able to truck through all of this mess. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll keep fighting to fix my life, but I’m losing hope.
Hope is what I’ve been thriving on for 10 years. “A Bitch called Hope” (new tattoo, fav song) has been draggin me along for so long. It’s hard to keep my chin up and hope for a brighter future when every good thing that happens to me gets ripped away. 10 years of 3 steps forward, 4 steps back. I’m seriously mentally exhausted.
I don’t know. I’m keeping busy and active, but this new throat thing and Crohns are seriously keeping me in check.
I guess. This is going to sound weird coming from me. But. Could ya’ll pray for me? Cross your fingers for me? Something? I’m out of luck and running low on hope.