Okay. I’m going to have a full blown pity party here. Mostly because if I don’t get it out somehow I’m going to go demolish that bottle of jack I have in my fridge. As incoherent as I may seem, I realize that’s self-destructive. Goddamnit.
I am just so fucking angry right now. I’m pissed at the world. I might as well be a 16 year old teenager with a shaved head and combat boots. I hate everything. Except Milano Cookies. Purely because of the cookies I am not shit faced right now. Cookies and beer don’t mix.
So tired of struggling. I’m so fucking tired of it. I’m finally caving and just sitting here in tears. I don’t know what else to do today. I’m on my last rope and life is taking a goddamned blow torch to it. And laughing. Maniacally. I finally am completely fucked. It took a year. But I’m fucked. Stupid ass Roost 59 firing me seriously fucked me big time. 3 weeks (maybe 4) with out pay and I’m done. I have my job back. It’s not enough. Not like it even matters because next week I will run out of gas and not be able to get there. *facestab* Tim skipped on child support, but was nice enough to give me 10 diapers. So at least there is that. I called my township, catholic charities, and CAP today. Everyones out of funding, the only help I can get is $75 next month for my gas bill, but subtract $75 from $400 something. Yeah.
I job hunt. Every goddamn day. Minimum of 5 applications sent out every day since last October. Sure I’ve had a few jobs since then, but have they helped? No. NO. The only ones I’m getting bites on are minimum wage part time jobs that are farther than the one I have now. No help there. I redid my resume… just attracted more “insurance sales” jobs. Oh. And some guy who wants me to run his personal business office and LIVE AT HIS HOUSE. Yeah. FML.
Every single goddamned day I drink my morning coffee, job hunt, and fucking pray to this so-called-god to give me some kind of a break. Nothing. Oh wait. I forgot. He/She dangled the proverbial carrot in front of my face with Roost 59. “Oh here Sarah, this is what it’s like to afford all your bills and put money in your savings. Nevermind. You don’t need that.” Where is my fucking break?
I’ve been chalking the 10 years up to bad karma. But you know what? FUCK THAT. I sat in fucking hell hole squat houses, shelters and alleys. I saw things that no fucking 16 year old should see. I tried my damnedest and got my ged. Then I got pregnant. Realized that a child wasn’t in my card and gave him away so he could have a better life. I walked out of that fucking hospital empty. Because it was the right thing to do. I’ve shamelessly helped out others, gave them places to stay, food, and help. Even when I had none to give. I made so much fucking progress. I left my ex-husband after I realized that domestic abuse isn’t normal and I deserved better. LOOK WHERE THAT FUCKING GOT ME. Seriously. I’m sick of falling asleep at night and having nightmares about the past, nightmares about the future.
After 10 years of busting my ass to get ahead. 10 years. I’m falling back to where I once was. I made it too far to give up, but at this point in time I can’t see going any farther. I’m so tired of it all, and I need a break. I need my mother, a good job, an my health. Do I have those? No.
Instead. I sit here pretending I’m okay when I haven’t been able to eat a full meal in weeks. When I had to cold-turkey off my steroids. When I’m losing 2 lbs a week. You try to not be hysterical when you’re explaining to Catholic Charities that you need help and you have to let them go because you just got sick.
I’ve been so fucking sick lately. It’s killing me. Blood every time. My insides constantly hurt. The only thing that makes me feel okay is percoset. But I know I’ll become dependent. Ers can’t do anything. I can’t see a specialist because public aid is taking too long to find a doctor with an open slot.
I feel like I’m dying and I can’t even fix what I have left.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Even if it’s not.