Staving off an anxiety attack.

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I am trying as hard as I can to curb this anxiety attack that’s right under my skin.  It’s all like “Hey, you know your life sucks, you can’t ignore me!”  I’m all “Yes I can!  Now is not the time, I’d rather have my period!”.  Then it retorts with “You will remember? I’m still here… poke poke… ohhhh you liiiike breathing.”

I feel horrible.  I know this is turning into a pity blog, but I don’t have another outlet at the moment and am horrible at expressing myself.  Not my fault that the one person I could talk to moved.  Gay.  So yeah.  I guess, welcome to “undercover” Sarah.  This is me underneath the smiles and crude jokes.  This is me underneath the sarcasm and attitude.  This is me… vulnerable, upset, hurting, worried, scared, and alone.

I don’t know what to do anymore it seems.  You know, and this is such a foreign feeling to me, it just succeeds in irritating me even more.   For those of you that know me personally, you know I’ve been able to truck through some unbelievable shit and made options when there was none.  For the first time I don’t see anything I can do.  I feel like I’m stuck in a rut and barely anyone understands that.  I have my close friends, of which whom I consider my family and I love them with all my heart, but I still feel like I’m utterly alone in this.  What I wouldn’t do to have my Dad let me talk to him with out him yelling at me.  It usually ends with him blaming me (which I guess is due) and sending me home in tears.  I know it’s unintentional, but it still kills me.  A couple of my friends take the time to listen, but it’s just not enough.  I’m not trying to be a bitch, but while it helps that they’re with me at the moment, it kills when they leave because they are all going home to someone they love and who loves them.  I had someone like that for the first time in my life, but not anymore.  I guess I’m living up to that stupid tattoo.  *Bitter*

It just seems like so much is stacked on my plate.  I mean, for once in my life it’s just too much for me.  This may seem monotonous but let me list what’s going through my head right now.

I have no money to pay any of my bills much less buy diapers, cat food, or hygiene products.
My dogs have fleas thanks to my next door neighbors dogs, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
My house smells like cats, but no matter how much I clean, it keeps smelling.  I can’t get ahead on cleaning because there is just soo much to do.  I clean one room and Noodle trashes the next.  It’s too much for just me to keep up with.
My AC is flooding my kitchen for the 3rd day in a row and I do not own a mop or have money to buy one.
The city I live in is going to fine me on the 20th for my dirty gutters.  I do not own a ladder.
I have court for a $75 traffic ticket on Tuesday and can not afford to pay it.
The Summer is wasting away and for the past month I have not been able to do anything enjoyable outside.
Work is basically pointless financially because of how far away it is.
I put out applications every single day.  Is the economy really that bad?  Do I really have to turn to other means?

I really just wish, as girly as it is, that someone would hold me and tell me it’ll be okay.  I miss that.  I hate sitting alone in my room dealing with this.  I miss having someone to talk to.  Even though it didn’t change anything in reality, it helped me a lot with motivation and not feeling so….  alone against the world.

I just wish I lived another life today.  I’m really tired of this one.

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