This is still new to me.

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I figured I’d be over it by now.  Or at least mostly.  Seriously.  I’m sure he’s over it.  *facepalm* I mean, I’m not hysterical every day anymore (at least not over that) but I still have some seriously down moments.  I still wake up in the morning and for a hot second forget that it’s over.  I still have these stupid ideas that some how everything will right itself and I’ll get what I want.  I mean, in all due reality I realize that I won’t get what I want.  It never works out that way when only one party cares enough, but I still have those stupid inane thoughts that everything will work out.   I try and quash those thoughts as soon as they enter my mind, but it’s only temporary.  I try distracting myself.  Hell.  I’ve been distracting myself since day one almost a year ago, and it doesn’t work.  Trust me.  It fails.  It makes it worse.  I just get frustrated and retreat back into my books.

I guess it just pisses me off because someone finally got under my skin, because for the first time after a failed marriage and a few long term relationships, I actually care.  I actually am grieving the loss of  relationship.  What the hell?  SERIOUSLY.  I have NEVER cared this much over someone.  Since when did I actually grow a heart?? Okay, I have one.  It’s just black.  And crispy.  And yeahhhh tastes like chicken.

Whenever I start getting upset or take a trip down memory lane, it just ENRAGES me.  I get soo mad that I can’t control my emotions.  Especially since they’re overly one sided.  I go from melancholy to slamming my head against my steering wheel in 3 seconds flat.

I guess it’s because I actually saw something in the future.  I think that’s what it is.  I don’t understand it either.  Not even with my ex-husband did I see a future.  I just figured that was normal.  Up until now, my idea of the future was me and my daughter (before she was born, it was just me).  That’s it.  Things I wanted to do included just us.  Sure, white picket fence and a furry poodle, but just us.  ATVS and camping, just us.  Water Sports, just us.  Big huge breakfasts and lazy Sundays, just us.  Then it changed.  It changed for someone who wouldn’t give that future a chance.  I still want my modified future, but whenever I think of it, I immediately re-route my thinking back to “just us”, and honestly?  It’s not fulfilling.  It doesn’t seem like that’s enough.  My heart breaks a little bit, some of the crispy comes off.  It’s just irritating because I never wanted to include someone like that in my dreams.  I mean sure, I love doing that stuff with my friends and if I aquired some boyfriend or Jack Bauer cool, but my dreams have always been about myself (and my daughter).  The fact that that’s not enough anymore pisses me off.  Maybe I am changing, maybe this is part of growing up.  Or something.

Sure.  Most of ya’ll follow the mantra “To get over a man, get underneath another one”.  No.  It doesn’t work that way, at least not for me anymore.  That just irritates me even more.  Trust me.  I have fucking opportunities for very very pretty things, but they all just annoy me.  I mean, hell, I’ll meet a guy who is hot enough for me to literally be drooling, but when it comes down to actually having a conversation I just lose interest.  *Can’t you just shut up, you’re much prettier when you don’t speak*.  Arrgh.

I guess I’m just finally getting a taste of my own medicine.  I think this is the bad karma I’ve accrued over the past relationships.  Ahh well.  It can’t hurt forever right?  *snort*

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