Pity Party for 1

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What I wouldn’t give to be normal.  I wish more than anything that I was a healthy 24 year old woman.  Instead, I woke up today after sleeping for 4 hours in pain that was great enough to keep me from walking.  I can’t even sit up with out pain, laying down, I involuntarily rock back and forth trying to make the pain stop.

Today I am supposed to leave for my Dad’s 50th birthday party.  I’ve been looking forward to it all week, it’s a surprise party, and I’ll be spending the night up there.  Now I’m not sure if it’s safe for me to drive.  I’ve got a couple of hours before I wanted to leave, so hopefully the pain dulls down.

I am so hungry.  So freaking hungry.  Eating just makes the pain worse.  The third day of starting steroids I felt better, I ate a full meal that night, Monday.  It’s now Friday.  I’ve eaten scraps here and there and am definitely paying for it.  This current pain?  I had 4 french fries last night and a quarter of a bagel before work.  I would just love to be able to eat, function and live like a normal person.

I know this is a pity party, but sometimes writing it down helps me deal with it, so I apologize if this is getting on your nerves.  It’s just that after 3 years (2 diagnosed- with a 4 month break this past fall/winter) of constant pain, I am having a hard time mentally dealing with it.  I do not want to live my life like this.  I’m sure if I didn’t have my daughter I’d be saying much more stupid things.  I can’t help but ask god or whomever why I have to live like this?  Why me?  I’m so tired of being in pain, of people asking me if I’m eating, of having to explain it to people.  I’m sick of not being able to go to the doctor.  I’m sick of not being able to live my life.  I’m tired.

My stomach hurts so bad right now that I just wish I could fall asleep for a week.  Tears involuntarily stream down my face.  I don’t want this life anymore but unfortunately for some reason, this was the card I was dealt and this is my life.  This is my future.

I just want to have a couple days completely pain free.

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