So here I sit. 3 hours of sleep and a cup of coffee in front of me. Thinking Thinking Thinking. What’s new? That’s how this works lol. I go out, dance my ass off. Make questionable decisions and then come home and ponder life. Haha. It’s not really that I make “questionable decisions” but more or less than I do things that are in the best interest of myself but not necessarily everyone else. Or I was just drunk and loud and that-annoying-bar-girl-you-want-to-beat-with-your-beer-bottle.
Months ago, a phrase was coined. It was most likely unintentional, but it was oh-so-true. I was at the bar with my bestie, and we came to the conclusion that alcohol is my “emotional switch”. Well yeah, most females turn into a ball of whine when they drink, but we’re talking every emotion here. I tend to tweak out when I’ve been drinking, not in the omg I think she’s emo way, but in a every-single-emotion-comes-out-and-then-I-act-like-a-emotionally-grown-human-being way.
I have the most ridiculous habit of being emotionally void towards everyone else on the planet, I come off as “stand-offish”, “uncaring”, “bitchy”, “unfeeling”, “cold”, and a laundry list of other not so good things. Honestly, I don’t mind being called those things, or described as by those things. I’ve been like this for a good chunk of a decade, so it kind of comes with the territory.
I have a generally hard time expressing myself, talking about what’s going on in my head, and last but not least, letting people in to both my head and my heart. I’ve always been sucky at that. Hell, I usually hold myself to such a ridiculous standard that I don’t open up and ask for help until it’s too late, as in, I’m having a mental breakdown in my kitchen because I couldn’t muster the balls to talk to someone. That’s partly the reason I started this blog. I have always loved writing, and for, like I said, a good chunk of a decade, writing has been an easy outlet for myself, which requires no emotional attachment to another human being. Just me, the keyboard, and my coffee.
I totally keep skirting my original topic. *Facepalm*. See I have problems talking to a computer. Haha. So anyway. A lot of the time, this so-called-problem bleeds over into my relationships. With both significant others and friends. Then comes the “intimacy issues”. Not like you’d think, but simple things. I don’t hold hands (usually), I don’t hug (unless I’m drunk), and I’m generally stand offish with my boyfriends etc. I’ve been referred to as being “the guy” in the relationship more times than I can count. It’s not that I don’t like these things, such as, uh, cuddling and other girl related topics, I just don’t know how to initiate them.
I think some of it maybe because I’m so dominate in all other aspects of my life. I have to be in charge of EVERYTHING. I initiate everything. So when it comes to romance, I kind of kick back, explore my options, and go with the flow. I let things happen naturally and at the lead of others. I’ve never been any other way, as far as I can remember, and I think I’ve technically been “dating” for 10 years now. (Now if that’s not extremely creepy to think about, I don’t know what is) Even when I want to do silly things like hold people’s hands, I don’t because, after 10 years, I honestly don’t know how to proceed. I’ve spent so much time being “emotionally void” and “distancing myself from others” that I am not sure how to do anything different. Christ, this last one, it took 10 months for me to “act like a girlfriend” in public. The sad part was is that the guy I was with just assumed because I didn’t take the initiative to hold his hand, rest my head on his should etc etc, that I didn’t want to. Honestly, I can’t blame him, because that’s just the vibe I give off. See my problem here? So after months, while I’m being “un-interested”, in all due reality, my 20-something-year-old-ass is trying to figure out how to grab your hand and act like how I’m “supposed to”. See how this can have a negative impact on my love life here? *Snort* I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a guy say “Wow, I didn’t think you were interested” or “You were giving me mixed signals”.
So now is the case of : is it “too little too late”? I’ve been trying to come out of my shell for about a year now. Last fall I had someone I care about deeply tell me that I have to smile more. Open up more. Let people in. Try not to act like “bad ass Sarah” and “Old Sarah” so much. So I have. I’m learning. I’m taking baby steps forward. I’m trying to hug people when I see them and when they leave. I’m trying to be affectionate. I’m trying to open up and talk to people beyond freaking out in a text message. Like I said, baby steps. I’m developing new relationships, nuturing the ones I already have, and unintentionally (bad timing), repeatedly screwing up important ones.
I have to learn to accept myself. I am not perfect. I am emotionally battered and scarred. It’s going to take me a long time to re-learn how to do all of this. I am proud of myself for the small steps I have taken, and while I do regret not taking them sooner, it is what it is. The relationships I do have? Well the past is past, I apologize for not working on them then, but I can only do what I can now. You can chastise me all you want for me being “absent” when it comes to emotions, but regardless of what I wanted back then, I can’t change the past, I can only work on the future.
*raises coffee cup*
So here’s to those god damned baby steps.