I hate trips down memory lane.

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I reaaaally do.  I’m pretty sure I’d rather scrub the kitchen floor with my toothbrush (as long as I had no thoughts in my head) than remember what I consider “the good times”.  I miss the past.  I don’t think about the what ifs and what coulda beens as much as I used to, but every now and then I do.  Now is one of those times.  I’m curled up in front of my laptop remembering someone, all because of a picture I found on my computer.

I start missing the little things.  The every day things.  The once a week things.  The last weekend things.  I know being sentimental and down on myself isn’t going to improve a damned thing in the present time, but hell.  I like having my head lodged up my own ass and being delusional for a little bit.  Pretending that I still have what I wanted, that I still have what made me calm down and feel whole.

I miss that feeling.  You know.  When you’re driving down the road, life is good, but the idea, the simple idea of someone whose in your life just makes you smile.  You feel like no  matter what the ridiculous problems in your life will work out as long as he/she is right there.  You feel like you can conquer the world.  You have something to look forward to every day, you have someone kicking  your ass to get shit done.  You can drive down that road forever with the sun in your face, your hand out the window singing at the top of your lungs, but you’ll have a smile on your face because of the thoughts in your head.

I miss that feeling.  I’ve to date only had that feeling twice.  Twice it came to an end because of epically bad timing, the last time it came to an end also because of my messed up head.

I’ve been single for 6 months now.  Technically.  Looking at it from an outsiders prospective I’ve been single for 14 months.  I’m getting pretty good at it.  I’m pretty good at functioning alone.  Granted, it would be wonderful to come home to someone every single day, but I still don’t have that feeling for someone else.  Sure time will tell, and I do have a guy in my life that I’m exploring, but that takes time.

 

 

I don’t know.  I still have days where I think “What if I had done something differently?”  You know?  What if, I never had that initial bonfire?  What if, Robert and I just hung out that night instead of me doing the whole “You’re going or else thing”? I hate to say that one person effected me so damned much, but I’d be a completely different person.  Definitely not as great as I am now (snort).  So still. I still don’t regret that whole mess.  I just wish it had worked out for the better and that I didn’t have to pick my heart up off the pavement that one night.

 

Eh.  I don’t know.  Whatever.

 

I guess.

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