*facestab* Merry Freaking Christmas

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Ahhh Christmas.  This one is a little harder than last year.  This one, I wish was over, I wish it was next year already lol.  (Where in the hell did this year go??)

This year is the first year that Noodle knows what’s going on.  I’m determined to make it a real Christmas.  Last year kind of sucked because of finances and working holiday hours and the restraining order.  Yeah.  This year I’ve plastered a smile on top of my anxiety attack and buckled down.

I was going to go Christmas Shopping last night, after my paycheck got deposited.  So I go to work, in a fantastic mood, and get my paycheck stub.  It was no where near what I thought it would be.  I think I’m missing some worked hours on there as well as that Tuesday I missed because my sitter couldn’t make it.   The plan was to make my mortgage payment and use the last $100 for Noodle and some household necessities.  Well.  No.  So I spent my shift at work debating.

I did something out of character for me, I decided to spend the money on Noodle for Christmas and pay another bill.  My daughter has 5 gifts under the tree.  I have my phone bill paid.  The mortgage will be late… if my next paycheck is enough.

This is the 2nd time that my mortgage will be late.  I feel awful.  But you know what, I wanted my daughter to have a visit from Santa.  I wanted some sort of normalcy in this house… which has been lacking the past year.  I don’t know.  My happiest family memories were from when I was a kid at Christmas Time.  Watching my Mom decorate the tree (and complain about being allergic to it), making spritz, of course Christmas Morning.  Watching the lights outside through my bedroom window.

This year, I’m alone minus visiting my Dad.  It’s rough.  So I want her Christmas to go well, even if I’m too broke to drown myself in a bottle like I want to tomorrow night.

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