A rough time of it.

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Wow.  This is rough.  I’m having such a hard time today/last night that I can’t even find the humor in it.  I went to bed early because my stomach was bothering me.  You know, take it easy, get some sleep.  The regular remedy for feeling like crap.  Great idea.  It really was.  Except for the waking up a gazillion times thanks to the pain.  Normally I’d just grumble and bitch and moan… but this pain is a bit different from normal.  It’s from right below my navel straight down.  Almost in a straight line.  On top of that, my left arm is bothering me, as well as my back and kidney area (I’m assuming from hunching over and my muscles involuntarily contracting from the pain.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to stay still.  I need sleep but I can’t manage to get comfortable.

I guess I should’ve seen this coming though.  The one way I can always tell if I’m going to get sick is fluctuation in my appetite.  If I pay attention that is.  When I start having symptoms, ironically I get REALLY hungry.  Nothing satisfies me, and I really have to watch it, so that I do not over eat.  From what my doctor had discussed early on in my diagnosis, is that that’s my bodies way of saying “Hey. Duudette.  You’re missing nutrients here.  Deficient.  Seriously.  FEED ME.”  Then after a few days, typically when I start a full on flare, I won’t be hungry at all.  No appetite.  I’ll recognize that I need to eat, but unless I actually remind myself, I won’t even notice that I haven’t eaten.  Guess when I stopped eating.  Yesterday.

I don’t know.  I guess it’s just getting kind of rough.  I mean.  Life is kind of complicated in every day ways right now, but add in being sick and I’m not sure how to handle this.  I have such a good outlook to fix the problems I currently have, but I just can’t factor in being sick right now.  Having no energy on it’s own is hard to deal with, especially with my (normally) hectic to do list.  The pain?  The pain I guess I can handle on a day to day basis.  If you mix it all together though, I’m a nervous wreck. What I wouldn’t give to be healthy.  Seriously.

You know, part of me can appreciate the outlook I’ve gotten from being sick, I have an awesome perspective on life, the length of life and quality of life.  Being sick has taught me how to appreciate the small things and push myself for more… because quite honestly, who knows how long remission is going to last.  Total in 4 years, less than 1 year with little to no symptoms.  Why not do what you want to do?  Who knows what’s going to happen next.

However, it’s hard to keep that good outlook going.  In my worst moments, which have been happening more and more frequently lately, I have silently asked god (or lack there of) to “please let me have one good day”, or to “let me function just for a little while”, or my favorite “please let this pass, I don’t want to get sick again.”

Welp, I just did something I don’t do unless it’s really bad.  I willingly called my doctor.  He didn’t answer so I left him a voicemail.  I hope he gets back to me, because something is seriously not right, and I can’t handle this right now.

You know, this whole ordeal makes me ponder the ever-presently-annoying question:  Why me?  Seriously.  Have you ever thought that?  For whatever reason I mean.  Sometimes I can’t help but wonder Why the Hell did this happen to me?  Seriously, was I hitler in a past life?  Did I rack up too much bad karma?  I once had a religious fanatic (from Utah, Christ, I didn’t know you were allowed to use the internet forums there… bastard) tell me that god was teaching me a lesson.  Well if that’s the case, I’m going to start a riot at the gates to heaven.  Trust me I will.  The angels will have to snipe me to get me to stop.  (I’m joking, I really don’t believe that).  But seriously.  Why me?  Did I do something in the past 24 years that caused this?  Did I do something to deserve this?  Why not the fucker who never took care of his body?  Why not the crackhead?  I wonder if all of my attempts at fitness and health are in vain?  I was so proud of myself for running the forest preserve loop at a steady/fast pace for the first time this summer, now?  I can’t walk across the house.  Should I bother?  I don’t know.  I currently want to punch a wall.  I just can’t reach one at the current moment in time.

I’m most definitely having a hard time making light of this.  Keeping my head up.  Seriously.  I don’t know what to do.

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3 thoughts on “A rough time of it.

  1. Emily

    This is when you’re allowed to break down… if that’s what you want to do. Obviously I’ve never had such an afflicting illness, so I’m pretty sure all I can say is that I love you. Beyond that, no, God does not punish people like that moron said… even when it feels like He is. Sounds like good coffee talk… when you’re not dying.

    I really hate not to be able to offer some brillant wisdom when you need it the most. But I am burning my fingertips as I try to keep your christmas tree bonfire burning. That helps right? *sighs* stupid crohns. Lubs ya hun.

  2. JenN-Moo

    Everything Em said! EVERYTHING! God does NOT punish good people! YOU, are good people, mah dear!

    We lubs ya and I SO wish I could offer more than hallow words. A hand to squeeze, a shoulder to cry on or even an hour to yourself. Much love to you lady!

  3. Smuck…..instead of f….

    I believe in God. I don’t know that I believe in the God that they preach of in church. I suspect I believe in the God of life (essence of life)…not that this in any way helps you except to understand what a freakin weirdo I am. My point if I have one or can even remember it is the God I allow myself to believe in is a compassionate, caring God that would not harm.

    The only thing I believe that we can truly I mean truly be responsible for is our attitude. The fact that you have kept a good one for so LONG, is a testament as to what a good person you are. But, we have to ALLOW ourselves to break down every once in awhile. Hopefully while Noodle is with her Dad or if she is old enough than by your side since we can’t exist in this world without love. Or, we wouldn’t want to.
    Sometimes, it’s only when we break down to the bottom that we can rebuild.

    Sister I’ve only read a little of you but your fortitude SCREAMS VOLUMES..of strength. It’s ok to feel sorry for ourselves lord knows I need to allow it of myself more often and maybe I wouldn’t be stuck in the equivalent of an emotional traffic jam.

    Don’t know why I’m responding to a month old post…I’m positive you have moved on.

    Just know God Bless….and I’m sending lot’s of love to a sister I’ve never met.
    Rick

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