So for my last kid free night of the week, I went over to my favorite bar for a few drinks with friends. It’s a local bar and yes, I’m a regular (as much as you can be as a single mother). It’s nice to have a place like that, if I’m at home and bored/lonely/antsy/angry/happy/homicidal (and sans child) I know I can show up and chances are I’ll know most of the people in there. It’s like home base. Music, dancing, pool, drinks, food, friends. It works for me.
Anyway, so I headed up there last night and of course had a blast. At some point in the night I ran into one of my girlfriends friends. Nice enough guy I guess, I’ve only actually met him twice. So it was all like…
“Hey! Your in my bar! What’s up!?”
“Not much, have you seen (insert girl’s name here) tonight? I figured she’d be out.”
“Nope. No clue. She comes out with my posse on Saturday.”
*I start wandering off*
“Sarah, you look pretty good tonight.”
“You mean you like how I smell of whiskey and cigarettes and my man boots? Saaweeet!”
“No seriously, you look more like a girl tonight.”
“Uhhh kaaaay. I’m dressed how I’m always dressed but sure”
“No, you look more like a girl. I like it.”
After that awkward exchange of words, I kept my feminine ass on the opposite side of the bar because frankly, I didn’t know I looked like a girl, or more of a girl, or on other days less like a girl. As my real life friends know, I tend to lack in the girl department. I can rock the hell out of a mini skirt and tank, but quite honestly, I’m myself in my tank tops and jeans. I love stilettos, but if I’m going dancing, I’m wearing beat up sneakers. What’s the point of getting a manicure if I’m just going to fukk it up when I’m elbow deep trying to fix my water heater?
So I guess I was thrown off. Last night I had ratty jeans on, men’s snow boots, and a gnarly shirt. Oh and my friend’s oversized scarf…. which smelled like whiskey and smoke. Out of all the glittery, dress pants, mini skirted up girls in the bar, I had the least bit of femininity. Usually I look a biiiit more girly… as in… with my tank top I look like I miiight not be a 12 year old boy. But still.
What was it last night that made me more “girl”? Why is it more acceptable for me to look more like a girl then myself? I mean, I’m honestly curious? How am I supposed to dress to go to the pub? I need enlightening here dammit! I guess I really don’t pay that much attention to my attire, unless I’m going to a gay club, but that’s besides the point.
It’s been a weird decade in style for me. 10 years ago I was a metal head/darkcore kid. I wore pants with legs I could fit 7 midgets under. My shirts? XXL. I had spike collars, plastic bracelets and short spikey hair and dark make up (ie I looked like a retard). 8 years ago I got into punk rock. I had super short hair, plaid pants, facial piercings, tattoos, and combat boots. If I couldn’t sew a patch on it, I wasn’t interested. Then I shaved up and entered the SHARP scene. Chelsey hair cut, button downs, flight jackets and denim. Then around 4 years ago, I… um… found myself (for lack of better terms).
I rock what is comfortable. Most of the time it’s a tank top and jeans. Converse or my dance sneakers. My hair is short still, and I usually look like I have bed head. I rock a leather or a ratty trendy flight. Makeup? Maybe eye liner… to draw attention away from my piercings (which I keep in because they look better than the holes they leave behind).
I’m basically just me. I don’t aim for ungirly (but apparently that’s my normal thing), I don’t aim for girly. I aim for “Can I dance in this?” or “Do I want to get oil on this?” or my personal favorite “It’s fukking cold, lets put on 50 layers”.
Is this girly? Is this boyish?
Do I look more like a girl now?
Why does it matter? I guess what it comes down to is I don’t like being put on the spot about how I’m dressed. I’m not sure how to respond. I like the “Hey you look good” not the “Hey you look like this”. So sue me.