No seriously, (I’m about to get all blasphemous here), it’s like God took a shit, froze it, and threw it at Northern Illinois.
Wow. Blizzard of 2011. SNOMG.
So we all lived through a blizzard. However, I am deeply convinced that during SNOMG 2011, some of you heathens lost some braincells. What happened people, did yah forget we live in the midwest… and every handful of years we get a shit ton of snow? Yes, I too woke up this morning, stretched and yelped “Good Morning SIBERIA!? WTF. Okay when did I move?! Do I still have pants on?” Yes. It snowed a lot. But come on guys, we were EXPECTING IT FOR DAYS. Literally. 3 days ago the news/government/City of Chicago/State of Illinois/National Weather Center said “Hey guys, guess what, we’re getting a big fucking BLIZZARD” then yesterday BEFORE IT STARTED GET BATSHITBALLSTOTHEWALLINSANE, Chicago said “Hey lets use common sense, please stay off the roads” <- Literally. Mayor said that. They told everyone it was going to be bad, “life threatening” and dangerous. Yet some people went driving anyway. ANNND they got stuck.
Apparently, for the first time in recorded history, Sarah, queen of going out/wrecking cars/driving in the snow was smarter than a good chunk of IL. Yes. Bask. Bask in my glory. Now bring me wine. Merlot. Please. Needless to say, for living in the midwest, it was a great storm! My fellow snow-dwellers, you didn’t impress me though.
Moving on. So yesterday evening, I spent the majority of my time, shaking my fist at the sky. My neighbors actually caught me yelling “Pussy Ass Snow Storm” with my fist aimed towards the snow flakes falling on my head. You know, I really am impressed with their care for me, seriously, despite calling me crazy and feeding me both food and beer, they’ve never once avoided me, even when I’m half naked in The Pink Robe.
Then it started coming down. Around 11pm, my car looked like this:
So I really wasn’t impressed. I was like “Oh big deal, SNOMG, you suck at snowing me in.” I went to bed, all cozy in my blankets thinking “Tomorrow’s going to be easy”. You know. I think I talked too much shit.
It actually took me a minute to realize some one hadn’t stolen my car. I mean seriously, it’s a great car! All 4 corners are smashed in almost the same amount! It’s like a bumper car with out the rubber bumpers… or parts of the regular bumpers. I was livid. I opened my door… dude. I can do this. I can DO THIS. I mainlined some coffee, strapped on my boots and set to work.
I didn’t realize that the snow was CHEST DEEP. It seriously was up to my chest through the ENTIRE DRIVEWAY. Because I share a driveway, and the way my neighbors parked their cars, my yard/drive was one giant snow drift. The picture above. I held the camera at head height. I was waist deep… 15 feet away. Good god.
3 hours. 3 freaking hours. My neighbor (to the right, the cool one) was out doing his driveway. 3 hours of us bitching, spitting, him bitching about how his slave labor ran off on him, myself bitching that mine was labor prime yet. 3 hours of sweat, thrown backs, and pissy spanish only neighbors. I did it.
I think I learned something. I’m never going to shit-talk a blizzard again. Nor am I shoveling again. So my neighbors better hope it doesn’t snow again.