One reason I’m glad I’m Single. Cannibalism.

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Okay okay, there are SEVERAL reasons why I’m glad that The Almighty Creep is single.  The one that sticks out the most?  Mornings.  While I am a morning person, there is a good 10 minutes where I will try and eat the face off of anyone.  That 10 minutes it takes for the coffee to brew.  10 measly minutes.  More times than not, you’ll find me in front of the coffee pot, glaring at it.  Glaring as if I had lasers that came out of my eyes, because obviously that would totally make the coffee brew faster.

Something about having that first cup of coffee, in my favorite mug, under my nose, instantly calms the beast.  My mood will turn around 180 degrees.  From there on, I can make Noodle’s breakfast, get online, face the world.  But before?  Not so much.

My ex-husband can attest to that.

Well, maybe not.  I’m pretty sure I tried to kill him regardless of the coffee antidote.

What am I going to do when I finally settle down with someone?  The last one I just glared at him if he opened his mouth before my coffee stopped.  God forbid we had to go anywhere, like the races, which I was totally all for the night before, but when dawn came and I had no coffee and was in the car with someone who insisted on BREATHING… all bets were off.  I chewed into him for a good 20 minutes before the Rock Star drink kicked in.

I’m horrible.  Seriously.  This is why I don’t ever sleep anywhere (that and my Crohns is bad in the morning).  I don’t want to lose  friend because I tried to de-eyeball them.

So maybe, if I ever decide to get married again, I’ll just marry someone else who won’t talk before their first cup of coffee.  And we can glare at the machine together while simultaneously trying laser-eyeball every other living creature.

 

Ahh.  A girl can dream can’t she?

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One thought on “One reason I’m glad I’m Single. Cannibalism.

  1. ~Me

    I’m gonna say that I’m special then… ’cause you didn’t kill me when you were at muh house… but then again, I’m pretty sure I had the coffee ready before we opened our eyeballs… *sighs* must go get more wood for duh fire… I’m runing away to your house

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