I’m in a strange mood this morning, which is an improvement from last night. Insomnia slept over again last night, and it actually beat out my sleeping pills… for a few hours. I tried going to sleep at 10 (which is in all due reality REALLY early for me) and I ended up falling asleep around 3.
Insomnia I’m used to. I am. It’s been a companion of mine for many many years, which in hand makes sleep deprivation my boyfriend. I’m a night owl. It’s why I’ve always worked 2nd or 3rd shifts, it’s why if I’m child-less for the night I go out and find something to do. It’s how I started writing in the first place… 10 years ago… sitting in 24 hour restaurants. There is only one big draw back to insomnia for me (like I said, I’m pretty much used to it), and it’s that I think too much.
Last night I was fine, I read ANOTHER book, and was snuggling in bed with my tea. When it came time to turn off the lights I just laid there, and before I knew it, I was thinking of shit that I try to avoid. I’m a huge fan of not dwelling on what you can’t immediately change. I thought about my mom. I thought about not being able to afford a dentist, even though I have gum disease, 2 broken teeth, and numerous cavities that are VISIBLE. I thought about finances. I thought about my broken ass car. I thought about my lack of a major in school. I thought about my ex and his douchbaggery. (stupid spell check, douchbaggery is totally a word) If it was negative, I thought of it.
So I got little down. I tried thinking of the positives and it failed.
I put up “I could really use a friend” on facebook, and two people, one from my past, and one from my near past called. It made it better that they checked on me, but I was wondering where my “friends” were. Oh yeah. At the bar. With each other. LoL Go figure.
It just reminds me to take what people say at face value. Vows of friendship and caring and yadda yadda yadda. Yeah. You know, I’d say maybe they didn’t see anything on there, but seeing as how they were commenting on my posts and posting themselves (besides that one post about me needing a friend), yeah. I win.
You know, I’m not mad, I’m not even upset really. Just kind of bummed. I’ve been kind of sorting them out for a while now, and as time goes by it becomes more and more apparent what’s going on. Eh.
So I spent the rest of the night writing, reading and thinking. Not a horrible night, but it could’ve gone better.
Second thought, I’d re-do last night if it meant I didn’t have to do my taxes today.