I’m having a hard day here folks. A real hard time. I don’t know why my Crohns is acting up again, but it’s kicking me in the ass, quite literally. I feel like crap. My stomach pain is bad enough to where I haven’t gotten dressed today, and I’ve spent more time curled in fetal position than up right with a cup of coffee. My hand is back to locking up too, (not so) funny part is it’s my right (dominate) hand this time. I don’t know if this is that stupid arthritis that comes with Crohns or what, but last time it sucked.
I felt like crap for the majority of yesterday too, during the night as well, which is really out of character for my innards. Last night I went out to dinner with one of my friends and barely made it into the dish when my stomach lashed out. So I took the food home. It was nice to get out, and I wasn’t feeling too bad yet, just multiple “Hold on, gottah um… bathroom!”. So I decided to go out and visit my friend V up in Union Grove. If I didn’t enjoy his company so much, I would’ve hated being out last night. Yes. Children. I feel that crappy that I wanted to be AT HOME. So as it stood, I just sat on a stool and chit chatted and did my best to hide my grimaces and “pass out face” when the waves of pain hit.
When I finally came home, I was feeling awful. I had hoped the Jack n Coke that T and V bought me would’ve taken my anxiety down a notch, but no dice. So I laid in bed shaking my fist at my torso and breathing trying to negate an anxiety attack.
I managed to get 7 hours of sleep though. Unfortunately for me I feel hungover (despite being completely sober last night) and like I haven’t slept in days. I feel like the proverbial mack truck ran me over… reversed over me and ran me over again. Grr.
I tried a mild work out, that usually loosens me up and negates some of my symptoms a bit. Nope. Fail.
I don’t know. I’m getting overwhelmed. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep off this pain, but then I look around at my house. What a disaster! I haven’t been keeping up with anything lately! It seems like things just got worse as I went room to room cleaning. So, when I think about laying down, I think about all of my chores. Then I start cleaning. Then I get sicker and have to sit down. Ugh.
One of my biggest fears with this disease is that it’ll take away my livelihood. That it’ll take away my over-productivity. That I won’t be me anymore. That I’ll fall behind.
Each time I get sick, it gets worse. It gets harder to function. Then I have to deal with anxiety and depression on top of my already-near-debilitating symptoms. Then I try to out do myself, get back on my normal over-achieving-energetic level, which just makes me feel more like crap.
The messed up part? I only feel comfortable complaining on here. I can’t seem to tell people face to face that I feel like shit and need help. Instead it goes like this “oh, my Crohns is acting up, but no worries, I’m alright”. So then, as that person pats me on the back and continues on, in my head I’m screaming “No. FUCK! I can’t do this!”. But on the outside I’m smiling.
I’m horrible at this. I’m a horrible patient.
Besides feeling normal all I want is…
…. someone to try and understand and tell me I’ll be okay.