This is going to be random. Seriously. A lot has went on for the past few days anddddd…. I’ve had writers block the entire time. So yeah. My bad if it doesn’t make much sense.
I love this group. Something about their music just reaches me. More than any band/singer/artist could. I’m not sure why. Watch the entire video and relax. <3
So I am quite alive today. Last night was horrible horrible horrible. Lets go back a tiny bit farther though.
Yesterday. I got my loading doses of Humira. Oh. And to my fellow Crohnies who are on Humira. YOU LIED. Oh my god. It was like getting a penicillin shot all over again… except for like 4 times. Frick.
It was honestly difficult for me though. I mean. The shots were tolerable. (sidenote: have you seen my tattoos and piercings?) It was driving to the office. It was walking in there.
What it came down to was that when I got those injections. I was ultimately facing my demons. I was facing the fact that I have Crohns Disease. I am sick. It’s always going to be there, whether or not it’s in remission. Whether or not I’m showing symptoms.
I know I have the disease of course children. I’ve been dealing with the emotional and physical symptoms for a while now.
It’s just that those stupid Humira Pens were like making it official.
I don’t know if that makes any sense or not, but it does in my head, and I guess that’s the most important thing.
So driving there, I thought a lot. I replayed the last few years. I grieved the things I’ve missed out on, the things I will hopefully get back through this drug.
I thought about luck.
I thought about love.
I thought about my body.
I thought about a lot of shit.
It was hard I guess. Emotionally I mean.
So, like I said, I got my loading doses. After falling asleep talking to my GI. What? I was exhausted and he was recanting the last few years. I KNOW THEM. I LIVED THEM. ZzzZ.
I got sent home with my trusty Humira pens and quite frankly I was exhausted.
By the time I got back to my town (My G.I. is 45 minutes away), I had developed a mediocre fever. That on top of my normal aches and pains (which Dr thinks is arthritis) and my fistula pain… I was nearly in tears. I laid in bed for almost 7 hours before I took enough klonopin to fall asleep. It was rough. I hurt all over and could barely run to the bathroom when needed. Which to the Crohnies… that’s important. We’re good sprinters :).
At some point I fell asleep on the floor. And slept for 11 hours. Yup. It was the kind of sleep where you don’t dream because of pure exhaustion and plentiful drugs.
I feel better today. The fever’s gone. And that’s all that matters.
Day 1 of Humira.
I’m alive. :)