Have you ever wondered how you look to the outside world? I’m sure you have. Everyone worries about it at some point, even if it’s just “does my ass look too big in these jeans”. It happens. Maybe you’ve even thought about how other people SEE you. VIEW you.
I’m aware of a lot of different views people have of me. I am. I’m out there. I confuse a lot of people with how my actions conflict with my personality. People look at me, form an idea of how I should act, then get the surprise of a lifetime. When people describe me to others, it varies. There’s so many descriptions, it honestly makes me laugh at the same time as shiver. Not all of them are flattering for me, some of them are just down right offensive, and some of them warm the small little block of ice that is supposed to be my heart.
One of the most common is “Party-Girl” or “Bar-fly”. And you know what? Sure. I’ll let that one stand. Usually 3 times a week, you can find me in a bar. Whether or not I’m drinking is up in the air… whether or not there’s music I can dance to? You bet your cute little ass. So I guess that ones correct, despite the reasons they think I’m a barfly. I don’t mind.
Now because of the above… I guess (psuedo-correct) assumption, that leads to the idea that I’m just a drunk. That my sole hobbies are drinking. And other not so pretty bar-fly-activities. This one actually makes me mad. Dancing is a huge part of my life, so yeah, I’m at clubs or bars a bit. That does NOT mean I don’t have an active brain. I LOVE the look on peoples faces when they find out that I’m halfway through a bachelors degree. That despite my liberal ideals I want to shred the healthcare reform bill into tiny little pieces and shove them down a democrats throat. That I have a daughter, and there’s pictures of me in a tiara (no. You can’t see). That I’m a writer. So yeah. This one aggravates me, but at the same time? “Look at the pretty dumb girl, hey can I buy you a drink?” is amusing, and this idea of me also helps me avoid the conspiracy theorists, “help me find direction in my life” drunks, and “You’re Liberal, I’m Drunk, lets debate” guys at the bar. So it has it’s perks. So meh. I’ll let it go.
Another one that’s floating around is that I’m a big ole ball of batshit-insane-might-stab-you-in-the-eye. That one I like for the most part, hell I push that one on people. However, beyond me perpetuating that one, it comes around from guys. Namely guys I’ve turned down. I’m not a relationship person, ie I don’t jump into anything. Chances are, after 3 dates, I’m not interested. Apparently a few guys have gotten bent out of shape and have come to the conclusion that I’m nuts (among other not so nice words). But you know what? Sorry, if I get a bad rap for NOT settling, for having STANDARDS. Then? I’m cool with it. :)
There’s a new one floating around though. This one caught me off guard and I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. Someone brought it up in casual conversation, and all though I’ve heard it before, for some reason it just processed in my mind. “… Sarah doesn’t date.” My first reaction was defensive. In my head I date quite a bit. Then I had to figuratively beat my head against a wall. I don’t *DATE*. As in, I don’t get into relationships. I’ve actually been single for all intents and purposes since last June. The way it’s understood though is that I don’t see guys. That I’m content with warming the bed so to speak. It doesn’t matter that I go ON dates, the fact that I don’t jump into the girlfriend role is what people see. You know what? I’ll admit it. That one kind of bugs me. Yeah. I’m slow to get in a relationship. However, I don’t want people to think that I’m not “dating material” or a bed warmer. I just am slow. Or I don’t broadcast. Most likely both. Maybe I should?
My personal life is just that. Personal.
So I guess I’ll just go back to not being concerned. I’m not going to worry about all the nonsense that comes with being a single female. If people want to think I’m un-data-able or (a more flattering way to put it) un-attainable, then sure. I’m not going to worry about it. If someone wants to pass up a chance on a friendship or a relationship because of first impressions or rumors… that’s cool, no skin off my nose.
Oh. And for the record. If you (yes this is directed at someone I KNOW is reading this.. fucking stalker) call me “A gorgeous woman with a bunch of hidden crazy” again. I’ll show you crazy. I’ll show you crazy that will give you nightmares. Stop following me. Kthxbai.