Kick Kick Kick Scream Scream Scream, it won’t change a goddamn thing.

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So yesterday I was talking to my sister.  I was explaining some insignificant event, some action that I took and it got me thinking.  I think I put myself out there a bit too much for almost nothing in return.

I am the stand-in Mother, Confidant, Ride, Best Friend, Girlfriend, and everything in between.  I am whatever people need me to be.  You need advice and opinions?  You’re most likely already sitting at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee in your hand.  You need to vent?  Instead of dancing I’m buying you a drink and outside with you having a smoke.  You need a ride?  You’re already in my car.  You forgot to ask.  You need a warm body to remind you you’re still human?  You need someone to cry on?  You need someone to hold you?  My shoulder is damp from your tears and I haven’t slept so I could listen to you.

I don’t mind.  This is what I’m here for.  I am trying to negate Karma.  Not only that, but I love a lot of you.  So that’s not a problem.

The problem?

You forgot to say Thank You.

You forgot that I need those theoretical stand-ins too.

 

I’m a very solitary person.  For most of my life I’ve dealt with my emotions alone, figured out how to get things done on my own two feet, I just learned how to do that out of necessity.  I don’t know if it was trying to be strong after my mother passed, so my immediate family could get the support.  Maybe it was pouring out my emotions in my journals as a teen.  Who would’ve listened to me, the woman with her two children at the squat I was at?  To some extent I take pride in being solo.  However, for the past year and a half I’ve been working on opening up to people.  Which is all skittles and rainbows except for you have a girl who isn’t quite good at needing people and you have people who forget to sit on the other side.

However, being used to dealing with life on my own, that honestly doesn’t bother me too much.  It’s the fact that apparently to the outside world (and sometimes I feel it too), I’m being used.  Sometimes it just seems like people assume I’ll just be there for them, for whatever reason.  Unfortunately that was my own doing.  I put my own life and plans on hold to help out other people, to help them attain their happiness.  Fine and dandy, but I don’t want to continue if it’s one sided.  If it’s assumed.  If the two easiest words to say, Thank You, never leave their lips.

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3 thoughts on “Kick Kick Kick Scream Scream Scream, it won’t change a goddamn thing.

  1. I have to say that I personally think that this was one of your best written post. Don’t ask me why, I just do. Maybe it just hits a note… might be another reason we get along. Maybe.

    It’s hard to be everything to everyone… but sometimes it’s hard to stop, even when you are being held together with tape and glue, your own tape and glue.

    Lubs ya <3

  2. i used to be this person. although, as a mother of two you are clearly much more adept at it than i ever was. could never say no, didn’t want to say no, and always hoped that it would be given back even when i knew better :)

    i say “used to be” because when i got married last year, i learned how to say no every once in a while. i became much more selfish about preserving whatever health i could grasp to spend on my husband. and he gives it back.

    your writing is wonderful. and from way over here, i am appreciative of your being this giving-doing-making person. i like her.

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