Liberating.

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There is just something so calming about the dawn hours.  Soothing.  I would compare it to a Tequila Sunrise but unfortunately that’s not the vibe I’m going for at this moment in time.   I like mornings.  I do.  I LOVE dawn.  Whether or not I’m up for work to enjoy it or if I’m just coming home from dancing.  Hearing the birds sing and watching the sun reflect off of the dew just does it for me.

Mornings are when I set my mood for the day.  If I start out on the right foot, my whole day goes well, and well of course sitting on my front step enjoying the quiet makes for a good day.  I’ve been having a whole lot of good days lately.  Getting up in the morning hasn’t been feeling like a chore, and my anxiety?  Lets just say my Klonopin is missing me.  :)

There’s something liberating about having complete control over your life.   My pride is definitely trying to swell at the thought of where I am now.  I am finally doing well, well despite a set back with the fistula (Crohns) and I’m thrilled.  I wake up now with an edge that wasn’t that pronounced before. An ambition for life… or a bigger one.

There’s only one real problem (again Crohns aside) that keeps popping up.   Friends.  I spoke to someone who had used to be in my “good friends” book the other day and apparently he is no longer.  He is convinced I lied about something, but is refusing to tell me what, for fear that I might defend myself or clear up the problem (see folks, clearly that’s a sign that he’s not as good as a friend as I thought).  This person was a friend that I’ve considered part of my family up until a few weeks ago when I started noticing things.  Or rather realizing things.

What it had come down to, right before he explained why he was “disappointed” in me, is that that was a toxic friendship.  We had had many ups and downs, and the downs were severe.  He had gone out of his way to destroy another friendship of mine but had claimed it was for the betterment of everyone.  He had gone out of his way numerous times to make fun of my lack of relationships/love life.  He had made several bad choices and expected me to keep my mouth shut but yet at the same time outted me every single time I went down the wrong path. He had claimed I had never been there for him, when it was him who had turned down our tradition coffee for 3 weeks only to make a plan and then ditch me twice in one day.

So I had sat there thinking, waiting for him to respond to me, explain yet again why he was disappointed ( why the fuck do my friends act like my Dad? ) and I realized it.  No matter why he was mad, the friendship was over.  The fucked up part, that after a year and half I couldn’t fathom?  It’s a good thing.  Life has been absolutely wonderful since the beginning of April.  Things are finally improving.  I’m loving life, and as things got better he distanced himself, he no longer was a major influence, and with that, my social life improved as well.  I no longer worried what was being said via him to others or to myself.  The toxicity that had become my social life was lessening (for more reasons that just him) and I wanted to keep it that way.

However, him being the 2nd good friend I’ve lost in so many years, I realized something.  Even though our friendship was abrupt, it was meaningful.  I learned a lot from him (and past friends) and it shaped my life and my current self, even though most of those lessons were learned from bad times, they were lessons still.

So to my lost friends, bad relationships, thank you, for you have taught me how to love life, thrive and pull through horrible situtations and better myself.  For you guys and to the friends who are also not in my life anymore due to more serious reasons, I got my newest tattoo(s).  I will post a picture soon, but the meanings there.  I started out with Bitter.  And now I’ve moved past that, developed.  And despite our ending friendships, Thank you.

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