Crazyness RIGHT HERE.

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I am in a very odd mood at this current moment in time.  I’m not quite sure what’s bouncing around in my head.  So I’m using this (as usual) to bounce ideas around.  So my apologies excuse the undercover crazy.

Music is my therapy.  I can control my moods through music.  I can amplify the good times with certain tunes, I can calm the bad times with sad melodies.  I can describe every single thought in my head with a song.  All genres.  It seems that I know no one that can do this, and sometimes I wish that I could just tell some one: Listen to this, this is what is RIGHT NOW.

At the same time, I wish I wasn’t so involved with music.  Hell, even my writing.  I have the hardest time just TALKING to people.  I can’t seem to express myself to anyone with plain old words.  I just can’t.  If I’m pissed I can’t fully explain.  If I’m hurt, I hurt by myself in my own head.  If I’m full of pride, happiness, love, nothing I think comes off my lips.  I have never been good at telling people what’s inside my head.  I think this is why I keep my facebook, why I blog, why I now have 47 complete journals (plus the one I’m writing).

Sometimes a guitar riff explains me.  Sometimes a grouping of lyrics.  Sometimes the bass hits.  Sometimes a melody from a cello.  If music doesn’t work, written word does.

—-

I can’t even count how many times friends/lovers/employers/family have told me they’re amazed at how driven I am.  How intent I am on getting what I want.  Nick still nailed it.  “You’re spoiled, but not because everything is handed to you, because if you want something, want to achieve something, you make it happen”.  If I set a goal.  I will always get what I want (haha people aside).

The real reason?  The real drive?  The point in working my hands until they’re bleeding?  The point of all the anxiety and stress?  The point of striving until sleeplessness?

Failure.

I will not fail.  I will not fail.  I am scared of failing.  That fear alone (well along side of providing a good life for Noodle) is what drives me in every single miniscule goal I set.  I don’t think this is bad, but once in a while it would be nice to try something and not feel the need to ultimately succeed.

—-

“You know there’s always tomorrow.”

I have this thing.  I live like there is no tomorrow.  I don’t plan on falling into my grave easily, but I always have this mindset.  It’s always go go go go FUCKING go time.  I put of minute things to tackle the huge things.  I try to accomplish what I want to do… immediately.  Instant Gratification Girl RIGHT HERE.

I need to knock that shit off.

“So now that your whole world has gone up into flames, this night is still never ending, do you think you’re still safe?  It seems like everything went wrong, we were discovered, but this time there’s no tomorrow.”

—-

“I must be missing, I must be missing the point, your signal fades away and all I’m left with is noise.”
“Wait up I’m not sleeping alone again tonight, there’s so much to dream about, there must more be more to my life”
“My youth is slipping away, safe in monotony, day after day”

—-

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