Well, I didn’t drink myself to death…

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….apparently I have a high tolerance, because oh god did I try.  I know drinking doesn’t make your problems go away, but after the first 12 pack and a few shots I did forget about them, even if for only one night.  Last night was great, I’m pretty sure I drunk texted pretty much everyone I know, I even hit up people I’m well aware have put me on their shit list.  Ooops.  It’s been a while since I’ve been that drunk.  It was needed.

So this morning, apparently the last Sunday morning I’ll be able to sleep in, I woke up and laid in bed for a minute.  Just relaxed.  Then unfortunately I remembered, 3 more days until I have to explain to Noodle that she won’t be going to Daddy’s house anymore.  3 more days until the last day she sees him,  3 more days until I’m REALLY a single, do everything on my own, fucking god I hate this, parent.

3 more days until my daughter has her heart-broken… and I have to stand there and watch it happen.  That’s what gets me the most about this.  The fact that there is NOTHING I can do.  Nothing.  There is no way I can fix this.  I have no control over this situation and I can’t protect my daughter from hurting.  All I can do is sit here and face it.  My daughter, who just turned four last Thursday, is having her heart-broken for the first time by her own father.

I just don’t understand Tim’s thinking.  I don’t.  Supposedly he has a place to stay out there and a job at a tattoo shop so that’s why he’s moving.  I offered to put him up and help him out but he’s still going.  I don’t get how he can look his daughter in her crystal blue eyes and just walk away.  I don’t understand.  How can you leave someone so little, so fragile, so innocent?  How can you just walk away from her?

Every day she asks me “Today I’m going to go see my Daddy right?”, so now I’m just supposed to say “No, not today babe.” forever?  How do I explain this to her?

You know, when I made the decision to divorce Tim, my main reason was so that she’d have a happy family albeit separated.  I wanted Noodle to have happy parents.  Now I’m thinking maybe I should’ve just dealt with the blow and stayed married.  I feel like I ruined her white picket fence childhood.  If I had just dealt with Tim and faced the emotional abuse and physical altercations Noodle wouldn’t be getting hurt now.  I mean, I know I made the right decision to get out of that marriage, but I still feel horrible.  I feel like this is some how all my fault.

Then, on the same exact coin, I’m scared.  I don’t know how I’m going to raise her all on my own.  I mean I have basically already but having it be just me?  Scares the ever-living shit out of me.  I really don’t have a support network. I have a few friends here and there that love the Noodle, but support?  My net is small.  I don’t have family that will watch her, no sleepovers, and no one will really be there for me and her during the hard times.  I’m going into this completely solo.  I’m terrified that I’ll fuck this up.  I’m terrified that for the first time in my life, I may not be strong enough.

What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Going. To. Do??

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3 thoughts on “Well, I didn’t drink myself to death…

  1. Erin

    I know I’m too far away to be a part of that support network now, but you know I’ve loved the shit out of you for what, 15 years now? Or somewheresabouts. Anything that I *can* do, all you have to do is tell me <3

  2. First off if you ever say that this is your fault again, I’m gonna have to figure a way up there to kick your arse. Know, without a doubt, that your daughter would have been hurt 5 million times worse had you not done what you HAD to do.

    The two of you will make it. <3

  3. JenN-Moo

    You are strong. You are awesome. Noodle will grow up knowing her mother did what was best for you BOTH! It sucks for Noddle now, but I think in the long run she will be ok. I know that’s no consolation now, but she knows you love her. And oh how i wish I were there for you.

    This is NOT YOUR FAULT! You are an awesome mom who saved herself AND her daughter from more heartache and physical pain than you’ll ever be able to express. i <3 you!

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