So it’s a beautiful morning. I’m sitting at my kitchen table drinking my cup of coffee, trying to wake up. If you’ve ever slept over at my house you know that my coffee is very important to me. I need these few moments of peace to jump start my day. I love mornings (surprisingly. Even when I’m hungover I hate sleeping in.) and I love the quiet that comes along with them.
Like I said, I’m sitting at my table listening to the birds and what sounds like a squirrel. This squirrel is in the tree squawking at another squirrel, I can see him and while it’s adorable I’m pretty sure I’d rather not hear it. I continue drinking my coffee and listening to this squirrel who obviously has been wronged. I mean what reason could it possibly have for sounding like a broken weed wacker! Come on!
I pour a fresh cup of coffee and settle back in to read the news. Now this next part happened with in 5 seconds. There’s this chalkboard/steel scratching noise. Then there’s a shit-ton of squawking. Then the squawking is IN MY MOTHA FUCKING EAR. I promptly spill my coffee, squeal and wake up my daughter and then promise god that my dogs WILL eat that squirrel.
That little shit apparently ran UP my siding, up the screen of my window (which is two inches behind my head) and jumped off, all while chasing this other squirrel.
Cue Heart attack.
I hope he’s chasing his girlfriend because she gave him squirrel herpes.