Now my question to you is: Have you ever looked around and seen exactly what you want out of your future? What you want it to look like? The kind of people you want in your life, in whatever capacity? I have. I’m a dreamer. I really am. I’m a Hopeless Romantic and I live in my dreams and set my goals for life high. Sometimes though I wonder if the goals I’m aiming my arrows for are possible or will ever occur.
Reality is a bitch, a cold hearted tease. I’ve had so many dreams about how I wanted life to be working out and no matter how hard I strive I can’t achieve everything. I look around and still feel like somethings missing, even when I have almost everything in place. I guess I’m insatiable.
This weekend was perfect. Watching my Dad and our family reaffirmed what I want out of the future. The smiles my friend put on my face, the laughter? I want that too. I want happiness. I want to have a life where I’m with someone I can look in the eyes and find no fault. I want a family (extended, I have my little Noodle) that I can strive to please. I want a house, no matter the size where I can sit at the kitchen counter and lose myself in thought and stare at nature. (Granted I have that now, but I can stare at….. my neighbors broken lawn mower?)
I guess while I was sitting down by the lake writing, I realized something. I was trying so hard to put on paper what I wanted, what I was aiming for, and I just couldn’t find the words, not even through a pen and paper. What I realized? I want that feeling. I want what I felt in my heart that moment. I felt… content. I felt happiness. I felt relaxed and calm. I felt like I belonged. I felt the love of my family. I felt the laughter deep in my stomach. I watched the smiles on my step sibs faces. I watched my Dad with Noodle and the pure happiness in his eyes. I watched my friend laugh. I existed and was content with it. With everything. I remembered my problems but they were a small thought in the back of my head.
I guess in the end I realized that even though what I want out of my future changes every couple of years, the one thing that has always stayed the same is that longing for the feeling I felt last weekend.