So I was in a strange mood (still am. When am I not?) on the way home from work. I’ve been feeling really rough today, Crohns has been giving me enough problems to make me skip my run. I hurt. So I was thinking back to simpler times, and of course all reminiscing I do involves music. I loved the original version of this song by Sade when I was younger, and as I passed the Deftones Cd I remembered the ONLY song I really listened to on that CD was a cover of it. I have so many memories attached to this song it’s unbelievable. This cover is amazing, his voice is a perfect fit to cover one of her hits.
Flashback time. I remember sitting at my apartment. I had just gotten home from my second job, that day I had worked a total of 18 hours, which at the time was normal. I had 6 hours until my next shift but was waiting for my boyfriend to come over because I wanted to see him. I had made some coffee and put on my mix cd. After about an hour I called my boyfriend, he hadn’t shown up yet. Voicemail. I threw the phone down and went into my kitchen for more coffee. No Ordinary love started playing after a minute. I went to sit back down chuckling because he had dubbed it “our song”. I noticed I missed his call and had a voicemail. Well. By the time that song ended, I was single. He had broken up with me over a voicemail. So this song automatically reminds me of the sorrow I felt at that moment. I mean granted, hind sight it was most definitely for the best, but that’s the emotion I have attached to the song.
Thinking about that relationship is bringing some realizations up to the top of my brain. Despite it’s abrupt ending that was most likely the best relationship I’ve ever had. I remember just looking at him and loving every aspect. I remember feeling like I could be myself around him. Feeling that despite my flaws I was perfect in someone’s eyes.
Since then I’ve had many dates, a few relationships and a very fucked up marriage. In none of those did I ever feel like that. Looking back I felt caged, cornered, fake and alone. I don’t know why I settled back then, especially with my marriage. I don’t know why I thought the way I was feeling was even remotely acceptable.
I think that’s why I’m getting the reputation as being Chronically Single. I swear, I’d change my facebook status to that if it was possible. My standards are so ridiculously high despite my recent (and failed) attempt at giving almost everyone a chance. I never jump into anything as it is, I don’t like rushing into titles, I like getting to know someone, but usually in that time frame I realize that it’s just not enough, not what I want to feel. There’s been two people since then, one from last year, one from this year. Both were/are impossible (or so it seems). So I gave/am givin up.
One thing I learned from those two and all the failed match ups over the years is that you can not settle, and you can not make someone settle for you. That’s life.
I don’t know if I like putting myself out there, even on a friend level. I feel uncomfortable, and more times than not I end up hurt. I do it all for the memories, but as of lately I’ve been questioning the end point. I mean I get some great memories out of it, but in the end I get hurt. I don’t know. I guess this applies to my entire life as well. Maybe this relates to the reality that in all due reality I’m just socially awkward. All I do know is I put myself out there. This is the last time. I’m done. I’m just goin to go with the flow.