Socially Stunted


I swear I just want to scream.  I would if it would help me be productive, but it won’t and my neighbors will just think I’m weird.  -er.   So today I feel like an asshole.  I inadvertently put one of my guy friends on the spot after getting put on the spot myself.  Then in the 20 minutes that took, I pissed off another one of my friends. 

Today re-affirmed the thoughts in the last few days about me being socially awkward.  So it occurred to me that I had no idea if one of my guy friends had any interest in me, as I do him, after being asked about it.  So I do what I do best.  I asked point blank.  The answer is no.  Which is completely cool, but I feel as if I fucked up. 

I hadn’t really put much thought into that one.  Was just going with the flow, didn’t expect anything and was just enjoying a friendship.  Sure there was attraction but I was more concerned about whether or not I’d have a friend who’d want to do some of the things I want to do (see:  ranting about not finding people who have interests outside of the bar).

So now that that is out there I feel like an ass.  I got the answer I was expecting about where his heart lies, but I guess I also expected more of a go-with-the-flow attitude like myself.  Which is disappointing to be honest, but life goes on.  But most importantly I’m afraid I just pushed away a friend.  I don’t want anyone to feel awkward around me, which happens so often it’s ridiculous, for many reasons.  I don’t know.  My head is all in shambles and I feel like an ass for pushing the question when I wasn’t concerned in the first place. 

I don’t understand why after 25 years I still muddle up my social life.  I just don’t get it.  I do. not. understand.  I came to terms with my timing sucking a long time ago, but come on!  Screwing up two friendships in one day?  I feel like I can not catch a break.  I gave up looking specifically for someone (in relationship terms) a long time ago and just going for lasting friendships.  But I can’t seem to functionn right.  I say the wrong things, I bring up the wrong topics, I stick my own foot in my mouth about things I don’t even concern myself with.

My other friend asked me if I wanted to go out this weekend.  I told her I was down, but quite honestly didn’t want to be the buffer between her and her boyfriend.  She freaked out.  I was just being honest.  I want to go out and have fun, not being the medium between a constantly fighting couple (seriously why be together if there is so much anger) and apparently I’m a cold hearted bitch.  I’m sorry.  So she’s pissed and not answering her texts.

But you know what? She pisses me off all on her own.  She has a great guy who would do anything in the world for her.  She constantly picks fights with himand makes him miserable.  Why be together? Let the boy go so he can be happy.  Seriously.  Then again on his part, I’m tired of the whining.  Obviously the relationship isn’t working, just quit it.  Love is eternal, but the best lesson I’ve learned is that love does not have to go hand in hand with pain.  You deserve to be happy too.

That’s it. I found my pretty distraction.  I’m crawling back in my fucking cave.  Hopefully friendship A will be okay and shit will go well.  Hopefully Friendship B (sub C) will get her shit straight and stop using me and abusing her man.  Until then I quit.




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