Having a serious Chronic Illness will change your entire life, from the obvious to the not so obvious. From the physical to the psychological. If you some of the unlucky ones, you get to look forward to a life of it. Sometimes, that future seems so bleak that it’s really hard to keep going.
So I sit here eying my chicken broth and regretting that soda I got for lunch earlier, it’s taking a lot to not feel down. I am so hungry I think I could eat a whole pizza, yet anything I manage to eat doubles me over in pain. I will eat though, I finally managed to get my weight up to 135 and I refuse to drop it! I love looking like I’m healthy. I love being able to look in the mirror and only see some of my ribs. So I will eat. Why? Because I can’t afford supplements until next week.
When you’re sick, you tend (or at least I do) to only see the current time. The fear is that this is all I’ll have for the rest of my life. It’s hard to see beyond that, and if you do it’s only the negatives of the future… stronger drugs, failing organs, weak bones, surgeries, colostomy, ileostomy, fistulas. I have to slap myself sometimes.
So the above was from yesterday. I ended up going to bed early, aka passing out on the couch. I hurt really bad yesterday and today isn’t looking much better. Chin up Buttercup. It’s almost time for work, and although I would much rather be curled up in bed, I will go to work. Why? Because (come one now kids, you know the mantra) if I stayed home every single time I feel like crap, I wouldn’t have a life.
Humira will have to be today though. I fell asleep before I could stab myself last night, which is annoying but whatever. So I’ll do it after work today seeing as how I really don’t want to sit behind my desk (of awesome-ness) covered in hives. Today is a day when I have to refer back to my blog post. I really want to hate this body of mine, but I’m trying to remember that this is all I’ll get. There is much worse out there, and this ol’ body has held up pretty good so far.
Today I will go to work. I will pick up my kid. I will clean my house and make dinner. I will play outside with my kid. I will work out, shower, and meditate. Then I will rinse and repeat.