Sometimes after a long day I’m too tired to even deal with my anxiety and it just turns off, kind of like my tact after a bottle of wine. Instead of a panic attack I end up sitting down and quietly pondering everything that’s rampaging through my head. It certainly isn’t pretty but it’s a much better alternative to me snapping and landing up on your tv screen. Although I’m pretty much sure if they make a series about you you get some kind of royalties.
The other night I went out to my old favorite bar and saw someone I miss. I used to have a friend who I could tell anything to, a friend I considered my best friend, someone who would always be there for me and someone who I would kick some major fat ass for. Some stupid shit went down, my private life was exposed and we stopped talking. Seeing him made me remember some of the good times. Then it made me angry. “You treat me just like another stranger… Ignorance is your new best friend.”
I guess I got angry that I lost such a good friend over something I deem as stupid. Then again if we were meant to be close friends he would have talked to me instead of going off the handle. However, sometimes people can’t stick to their own business and snoop and talk about things that they have no part of. That’s life. That’s jealousy. That’s also negativity that I don’t need.
I’ve also been thinking about going back to school. I feel stagnant again. I feel like I’m stuck in a mental rut. “There’s so much to dream about, there must be more to my life.” I’ve accomplished my goals for this year, but it’s simply not enough. I feel like I’m wasting time. “My Youth is slipping, my youth is slipping away. So safe in monotony, day after day.” I just don’t know what I want to go for, what I want to major in. I think I’m finally going to go for teaching. I don’t know, all I know is that I’ve got to keep it moving.
I don’t know. Life is good despite the trouble I’ve gotten myself into, which won’t last forever either. I am just reflective these past few days. Not quite sure where I’m headed but I know I’m headed somewhere.