I’ll be the fragile old lady

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Sometimes I can’t help but to miss the past.  Not that I’d necessarily want to go back there, but I do long for certain aspects.  Every year past there is something that I miss, something that tugs at my memories.  I’ve learned to live in the present though, life changes constantly, and no matter what you do, you can’t go back.  No matter how hard you really try, how many tears you shed or smiles you share, you can’t make life the same as it once was.

There’s many things I miss as well as many people.  I miss the freedom of my teenage years as well as the restriction of my childhood.  I miss the companionship of my first long term boyfriend, as much as I enjoy being single now.  I miss my old best friends and I miss the long conversations in the coffee houses we used to haunt.  I miss my combat boots just as much as I miss my favorite tennis shoes from grade school.  I miss my childhood dogs, even as I have my own pets now.  I miss the house I grew up in, the house my mother lived in, but I miss my first apartment.  I miss the schedules of 5th grade and I miss the endless summers in the neighborhood.

The catch is is that when you’re getting all nostalgic on yourself, you tend to forget about the negatives of the past.  Who wants to remember those?  So we stick to the memories we cherish, the ones that make us laugh, love and bring tears to our eyes.

Just don’t let yourself get stuck in the past.

Things have changed so much in my life in the past five years that even if I managed to create another universe, things could never go back to the way they were.  Hell, even over the last 10 years.  Quite frankly it took me years and years to learn that even though we yearn for the life of the past, we have to focus on the hear and now and make more memories to reflect on in the years to come.  I’m 25 years old.  I’ll never be the 18 year old with my first apartment again.  I’ll never be 16 years old stomping the streets of Chicago in my boots and braces.  I’ll never be that 8 year old hugging her mom.

Instead I’ll be cooking dinner tonight and writing.  I’ll be watching my own daughter go off to kindergarten and hopefully I’ll be around to watch her go to college too.  I’ll be the girl who falls in love with the right guy this time, to get married and live happily ever after.  I’ll be the girl with her nose buried in a good book on a late rainy night.  I’ll be on a jetski in the middle of the lake and on a beach sunbathing with my middle aged daughter.

Hopefully I’ll be a fragile old lady with spark still in her eyes watching my very own grandchildren play and make their own memories.  Hopefully I’ll lay down one last time and feel that my life was complete, I’ll miss the past, but love it at the same time.

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