Time, I don’t understand.


Something inside of me has changed, and no fuckers, I’m not pregnant.  This world doesn’t need any more of my spawn running amok.  No seriously though, something has changed, in my mind.  Something is missing.  Something is dictating my usually neurotic moods lately, as a lot of you have noticed.  I’m not sure what it is, but I’m not arguing.  Not in the least.


With everything that is going on, I really should be much more stressed out… not because everything is terrible, but because it is (was) part of my nature.  Normal Sarah is anxiety-ridden.  I used to get so worked up over the simplest things, like a everyday to-do list.  I was having a minimum of two anxiety attacks a week on top of my insomnia.  I have/had an anxiety/panic disorder.  It was horrible, and life was only half as problematic as it is now, I felt like I spent the majority of my time trying to calm down.

Then someone flipped a switch…

A lot of friends and family have been commenting at how amazed they are at how I’m handling everything.  How relaxed I’ve been, how happy I seem.  How positive I seem.  People are noticing and hell, so am I.

I was laying in bed earlier, reading my new book (which by the way, while the book is far from horrible, Laurell K. Hamilton really needs to step it up a notch, her story-line is really taking a nose-dive) and my friends called, they won’t be able to drive me to work tomorrow, which should’ve sent me into a panic attack.  Instead I just sent out a few texts, and continued reading my book.  After I arranged my ride (thanks Oscar, I owe you big time, it means a lot to me.  Helping me out twice now!) it occurred to me that I didn’t even flinch.  My record-setting-low-blood pressure didn’t even spike.

I really don’t know what changed, but I am just… not stressed out.  If anything I’ve adopted a positive outlook, on well, damn near everything.  I just am.  I’ve even thought “Hey, maybe I should worry about this more.”  but then I follow it by “Why am I worrying?  Just fix it and move on.”  That’s it.  I get what I have to done, I work hard at making life work and achieving what I want, then I don’t bother dwelling on it.

I’m not sure if that made any sense.  Quite frankly, I don’t understand myself, but like I said, I’m not arguing.

It’s back to rocking out to The Cure.  Peace.



2 thoughts on “Time, I don’t understand.

  1. Amanda

    I’ve noticed that when the big things are in your control, you don’t feel as anxious about the little ones you can’t control ;) I used to have panic attacks as well.

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