“Who’s gunna come around when you break?”
This weekend has been really relaxing, minus my short-lived bad mood on Friday. I’m definitely paying for it this evening though. I’m curled up in my big blanket trying to convince my body that I’m not actually on fire, just going through Prednisone withdrawl. I forgot to take my morning dose today and after being outside all weekend, my body is revolting.
My body is a cage.
Some times, especially at the end of the day, I feel trapped in this body of mine. Like it’s keeping me from doing what I want to do. What I need to do. Granted my I’m more digestive sick in the mornings, but lately, I’ve been feeling more pain at night. I feel like I’m on fire.
Each keystroke is sending pain up through my upper arms. Fracturing my wrists and those broken knuckles aint got shit on this…
I tried to stretch out my muscles in my back earlier and felt like someone was getting mighty creative with hot pokers. Forget raising my arms above my head, my head is basically stationary at the moment, my neck is so stiff and my shoulders so bunched.
Surprisingly I’m not in a horrible mood because of it, I’m just.. hurting. I get tired of pain some days, it’s hard not to wonder if this is what I have to look forward to in the future.
Chronic Illness. Such a rip off. I didn’t even get a cool one, I would’ve totally dug that tree disease, you know, where you look like you have bark for skin. Or even better yet… dude, how cool would it have been to have a siamese twin. Okay. Not so much. My bad, and with my luck one of my followers has one growing out of his head. Just watch.
One thing that ways on my mind is, who would want to deal with this in a significant other? My ex-husband was extremely resentful, and in all due reality, I can’t say that I wouldn’t be if my love had a long-term life-long dirty-whore of an illness. I often think : Jeez, this shit sucks now, and I’m only 25, what’s the rest of my life going to look like? Who wants to stand by that?
I don’t know, after seeing my ex-husbands reactions to it, I’m wary.
So I’m hiding behind my music tonight, huddled up in my kitchen. Dog on lap. Feeling pretty damn old.
“Go to bed, everything’s alright. Don’t know the whole world is changing as you sleep through the night.”
Have you ever felt your eyes so heavy, so.. almost swollen, like you’re exhausted, or you’ve been crying, but.. you haven’t? I feel like I’m wearing a mask, a clay mask, the swelling is getting worse. Welcome to moon face. Thank-fuck-you-very-much steroids. This is more aggravating than my rings not fitting anymore.
This body that is riddled with these side-effects, it’s not mine. It’s not. It doesn’t behave in the way that mine does. Why is my hair thinning? Water weight? Oh and my uterus has decided to not work anymore, but that one I’m okay with. This body is not mine though, I want my old one back. The one that didn’t have an over-active immune system. Hell, even post that. The one with out arthritis and sunken eyes. The one that didn’t bruise after a brisk hug or being tickled on the rib cage.
(I’m sitting here listening to a violin wail. This is what I imagine the end of the world sounds like. Sorrowful yet angry underneath it all.)
How is it that I got stuck here? I feel like I got switched into someone else’s body. At least in the last one I could close both of my hands at the end of the day.
I can’t wait until I can get off of these steroids, but at the same time I’m scared about the next round of drugs. My blood work is apparently still pending, I should get a call tomorrow to get the go-ahead to pick up the script, but I’m scared.
The next one isn’t much better, just less… vain side effects. I guess. Only a couple more months of prednisone though if this drug comes through.
I know I’m stronger than all of this, and I will get through this. I know I’ll go into remission. I’m way too stubborn, but this is my admission blog, my confessional. Sometimes, I just get tired. I get tired of this. Tomorrow is another day, but tonight? I’m tired.
I can’t wait until remission. Until my life returns to normal and I can pretend to forget how bad this disease can get when it’s “active”.
I can’t wait until this goes away: Prednisone withdrawl – the first symptom I get, with in 18 hours of missing a dose.. any touch on any part of my body hurts, like it’s bruised. I itched my cheekbone and it feels like I just punched myself in the face. Totally gay. On the lighter side I’m pretty sure the look on my face was priceless.