Friday. Totally not the same as Monday.

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What a week.  What a fucking week.  Mine isn’t technically over yet, I still have my last DUI class tomorrow, but then the relaxation starts.  After this week though?  If I wasn’t completely comfy in my kitchen with my tomato soup, grilled swiss cheese sandwich (yes seester dearest, it’s delish!) and the kids in the front room watching a movie I’m pretty sure I’d have killed someone by now.

It’s just been one of those weeks, nothing horrible happened, it was just long and tedious.  Frustrating issues at work, lack of sleep, Crohns still acting up, you know, the little shit that just annoys the crap out of you until you want to throat punch your own grandma.  That aside, I got a lot done this week.  Court, Doctor crap (next week’s going to BLOW), work stuffs, house stuffs, and hashing out some crap in my own head.  Plus I got to spend plenty of time with the boy.  (whom by the way earned himself many a points by cooking me dinner (again) and helping me with odd jobs around the house)

So I think I’ve come to terms with going on Remicade.  My first infusion is scheduled for this coming Wednesday.  I’m still nervous, but I’m okay with it now.  Obviously this is the logical next step.  Pentasa, Entocort, Prednisone, Humira, among others have long stopped controlling my Crohn’s Disease or my fistula.  Diet, Exercise, and lifestyle changes (no, I haven’t managed to quit smoking yet… that’s on the menu as soon as I get my driving privileges back- the week of Sept 24th) do help the Crohn’s disease symptoms, but nothing seems to be healing this fistula.  I’m trying to avoid surgery at all costs, so this is next.  So wish me luck boys and girls!

I’ve also managed to completely get over the whole Tracy and Jason thing.  Sure, I still wish I could get the money they owe me back, it would really help out now, but being angry isn’t going to do anything but waste my time.  I’ve left it up to Karma, I’m a firm believer in it, hence why I spend so much time trying to put good energy out there and not dwell on/or involve myself in the bad.  If you wrong someone or act negatively, it’ll come back to bite you.  It may take a while, but it will.  Hopefully when they have to deal with it they’ll learn a lesson, all I want from them is a tiny ounce of remorse.  Other than that I hope they both get to where they want to be in life.

Other than all of that nonsense I’ve just been living.  Doing my best to plow through this DUI stuff and focus on my life.  Staying in (mostly) has done wonders.  I’ve definitely learned who my real friends are and reinforced those friendships and have gotten a lot of work done on my house.  It’s definitely a bonus that I’ve got to spend plenty of time with Ryan, who I’m sure is getting sick of me, but either way that makes me smile.

You know, I honestly thought I’d *hate* staying in so much and not being able to drive, but quite honestly?  The only thing that I dislike about it is, or rather was, having to worry about my rides to work, but even that has worked out in my favor and I got a friend out of the deal.  I actually look forward to spending my weekends relaxing at home with my kiddo, and have only gone stir crazy once.  If I want out, I can find a ride, in the mean time, I cherishing spending time at home.  I honestly think that once I start driving again in a couple of weeks this trend will continue.  Especially once I go back to school to finish my degree.  I guess in a way this DUI has kind of set me straight.  Or rather made me grateful for the things I do have like my kiddo, good coffee, and a cozy home to come home to (among many other things).  Plus this time at home has been letting me sort through some issues in my own head and decide what paths I want to jog down in life, as in school/career choices, relationships (love and otherwise), and hobbies.  Plus, in another way it’s given me a break from the hustle of my life.  Don’t get me wrong, life is still hectic as all get out, but in a different way.

I don’t know.  I think I sound like a prozac commercial, but in the last few months I’ve been waking up smiling and going to bed smiling.  I’ve got great direction, great people and happiness in my life.  Finally, after all these years, despite things not being perfect, I am at peace.

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3 thoughts on “Friday. Totally not the same as Monday.

  1. Hey There,

    (Okay so this sounds like I have been judging you and I want you to know that I haven’t I am merely making a comparison.)

    Bravo!!! This post shows a great amount of growth. When I first started reading your blog I got the sense that you were in the middle of some major personal changed and a major shift in your life. Beyond dealing with the every day ordeal of Crohn’s and the responsibilities of mommyhood, you were going through the father of your child essentially abandoning his responsibilities, your were going out every weekend (which is fine, but does cost money and involves you in a whole lot of drama with people who don’t really matter and that no one needs.), I don’t think you had a job, and a bit later you got the DUI that has ‘set you straight’. (I’d argue it was not the DUI but the desire and acknowledgement that there is more and you want it.) With all this personal sh*t it was still apparent that the Kiddo was number one. She still is and I believe that she always will be number one to you, but you have grown and changed. I think the main shift I have seen is the one that puts you at the front of your priorities. You have assumed responsibility for your actions and mistakes, you have recognized that everyday can be good even with all the crap there is on a daily basis, and you have decided to make yourself happy. No more toxicity, no more drama and no more assholes trying to make you go against your morals.

    I have read you through the dick leaving and your renewed conviction that your won’t let it hurt Noodle anymore than the hurt that you can’t control, giving up all the people that spread toxic fumes, even if at times they were fun, you have stopped going out with regularity, (I am not implying that moms shouldn’t have their nights off and to themselves, but going out to drink and dance costs you more than you were willing to give in both time and money. Plus, I think you have realized that an intimate and close set of people who truly support you is better than having a ton of people hug you while they are drunk at the bar.) and by not going out weekly you have weeded through the periphery people in your life to focus on the nucleus of support provided by those who are honest in their interaction. (like trading Tracy and Jason for rides from your neighbor whom you have discovered can sit and chat over coffee without a lull in conversation.) Further, you have matured. The words you write now reflect a mature and centered young woman who has many responsibilities but flourishes in motherhood and can find pleasure in the minutia of the day, the setting sun, coffee on a Sunday morning where a squirrel doesn’t come in and attack you and I could go on…

    Wow! Here is a novel for you… Haha. I really wanted to comment on this because sometimes I think you sell yourself short. You are a brilliant, beautiful and strong woman. You can stand on your own two feet and see what is best for you and Noodle. You are able to see that a DUI is a huge thing and not something you want to repeat. Most importantly you have decided that these positive changes aren’t a temporary way to deal with living without a car but true lifestyle changes that will leave you a lot farther a head than where you started.

    I have to say that I am so happy I have read you through this transition. I have my own transition to start and you have given me hope that if I just open my eyes and see my life and myself in the most realistic light possible I may be able to define my morals and values and come out with a better relationship with myself. I am at the point where I have to decide if my relationship of four years is worth me fighting for without my bf fighting for me. I have to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life feeling inadequate in the sack, with a self image that sees me as fat and disgusting, afraid that if I ever gain 20 lbs again he will stop finding me attractive as he has now because of my surgery weight gain. I have to chose whether I want his conditional support, which has failed me numerous times during my recovery, or if I want to strike out on my own and be alone again. Iam haunted by thoughts like, “If my own boyfriend doesn’t find me attractive how will some other man?” and “What if I never find someone else?” or “How will I survive alone? What if I fall? Where will I get emotional support from?” and on and on and on.

    Anyways, maybe I will send you an email about all this and actually talk about it instead of insinuating and beating around the bush.
    I really just wanted to say BRAVO!!!! You are an inspiring and strong woman. Stay on this path because you are beautiful person and an amazing mom.
    Lots of hugs!
    xoxo-S.

    • I definitely agree that the DUI “set me straight” so to speak, you’re right, I was going out every weekend, and while not detrimental in itself (besides a long drawn out death to my pocket book) it wasn’t the right set of mind I needed to be in to deal with facing being a full time single parent, my job (which you’re right, I’ve only been working at my current job since April), and my other obligations. By getting the DUI, and more so losing my right to drive, I’ve been able to stay at home with out the social pressures to go out and play everyone’s friend. I’ve been able to sit at home and focus on my own head and think.

      This year has been extremely -trying- to say the least, but it’s definitely taught me quite a few lessons I needed to learn, and given me life experience and some really close friends.

      The things about these “transitions” is that you always end up differently than you set out to. I’m not sure if that sounds right, but I’ll get to that via email. :) <3

      I do have to say I really love your comments on here, I do, you put so much thought into them and give great feedback. You tell me how you see it, and that's something I always need more of in my life. I have many readers at this point, and quite honestly I only approve/read their comments if there is more than a couple words. So thank you!

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