Healing.

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My marriage seriously injured me.  It did.  I think this is the first time I’ve been able to really admit it.  My marriage broke part of me.  It destroyed my idea of the ever elusive Happy Ever After, it destroyed my belief in the white picket fence (which is fine, because quite honestly picket fences are pretty gay, like balls-deep-gay).  Those years damaged me.

Ironically, my ex-husband getting physical with me really didn’t impact me as much as you’d think.  It honestly really doesn’t bother me, I don’t know if that’s something I should be concerned about or not, but as far as I think, it’s past, he was an asshole, not every guy is going to hit me… blah blah blah.  Sure it sucked, it put me in a really fucked up mind-set up until months until I filed for divorce.  That’s it though.  If anything I’m angry because I stuck around so long, I’m angry because he proved I’m not invincible.  Meh.

The issues I’ve developed are different.  I’ve come to expect verbal abuse.  I’ve come to expect cheating and lies.  I’ve come to expect manipulation.  I’ve come to have moderate trust issues.  The messed up part about all of that?  I realize how irrational it is, but I still can’t kick the fear that I will end up severely hurt in the end.

Back when I was married, compliments were rare, compliments only came when my then husband seriously fucked up.  I would get compliments when he started hiding whatever he did, they’d increase until he would out himself, then they’d turn into insults after.  It’s just so… wrong because I *know* that every guy isn’t like that, hell I’ve dated a couple since then.  Even so, now?  I get a compliment and I automatically flash to thinking something is about to get really screwed up.  It only lasts a second but it still is there.

I’ve been ignoring these issues for months now, despite them tearing apart relationships and my very good friends pointing them out.  Honestly I just don’t think I cared enough about someone to make the effort to change.  I mean, I’ve made half-hearted attempts at mending my trust, but in the end, I was still looking for reasons to -get out- of the psuedo-relationships I was in at the time.

Now what?  Now I found a relationship, one that I’m happy in.  It took me a minute to realize that I actually do want to put effort into it.  I want to be able to take a compliment and smile and say “Thank you” instead of “Suck up.”  I want to be able to trust.  I think I’m doing a pretty good job so far of working on it, and I intend on continuing that. That would be one of the only things I regret about my marriage, and I intend on healing that part of me, and letting go of the past.

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2 thoughts on “Healing.

  1. Great blog and I met someone that I felt was worth my time to change and that relationship helped me so much. However 2.5 years later we break up but are still good friends…

    I’m happy for you! I’ve got other issues…I’m working on those. :) good luck!!

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