Trust and Morals.

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We all grow up hearing about morals.  We all grow up with this innate trust in others.  We spend our childhood years learning that people lie, that people do things that hurt others, steal and cheat.  We still manage to keep that hope alive that not all people are “bad”.  We learn (or most of us do anyway) from our parents and family that being honest and honoring our promises is the right way to go about life.  Our parents put their effort into raising us to be good people.

Then we get our hearts broken the first time, learn that kids cheat on their tests, and steal from stores.  We learn that some people don’t have morals and kill other people, that some people will steal from you.  We grow up learning that some people will hurt you and not care.

We learn that not everyone can be trusted.

As most of you know, I’m the confidant.  For some reason people feel that they can tell me anything, even things I have no interest in hearing.  I guess I really don’t mind, but sometimes, it gets me thinking.  Today I was speaking to a friend who was cheated on by her fiance.  He cheated on her with 2 different girls on several different occasions.  The other day I was speaking to another friend who cheated on his wife (now ex) with 3 different girls on 3 different occasions.  I personally know another man, another friend of mine who has cheated on his girlfriend, whom lives with him, and is the mother of his child.  He cheats on her even though they are buying a house together this winter.  Lets label them in respective order: A, B, and C.   I’m going to explain their half of the story they lived.

A.  A is a sweet girl, she’s in her mid-twenties, attractive, a college graduate and the bread-winner out of her roommate, fiance and herself.  Her and her fiance dated for 2 years before becoming engaged.  He proposed, the wedding is in the Fall of 2012.  They were an adorable couple, in the public eye they were constantly holding hands, kissing and laughing.  They were the couple no one thought would break up.   One night she turned on her computer monitor and he was still logged into facebook.  Chat was popped up.  With another woman.  A meeting time, and a promise of “I love you so much, I just can’t get away from her”.   He was showering.  A hopped on chat and asked how many times they had met up and if they had slept together.  The woman couldn’t remember and yes.   When A’s fiance came out of the shower, he immediately saw her throwing his belongings on the front yard.  They haven’t spoken since, especially after she found *another* womans love letters (emails).

B. I don’t know the specifics of B’s affairs, but he cheated on his wife 3 times.  His reason?  They didn’t have sex a lot because she wasn’t in the mood.  His reason for cheating instead of breaking up with her was that they had a house and a child together.  In the end, they divorced, neither can afford the house and the kid goes between parents.

C.  I know him all too well.  I’ve known him for years, and I don’t think he’s ever had a relationship he’s been faithful in.  Currently he lives with his daughters mother and his daughter and sleeps with other women every chance he gets.  His reasoning?  His girlfriend got fat, they never have sex, and he hates her.  His reason for cheating instead of breaking up with her?  His kid, he doesn’t want to pay child support.  They are buying their first house and getting married sometime next year.  She has no idea.

Speaking to A about it baffled me.  She had said that she feels like she’s to blame.  Maybe she was “too clingy”, or sex got boring, or maybe she wasn’t as pretty as she was when they first met.  She was angry at her ex, sure, but she blamed herself more.  I reassured her the best I could, but there was no having it.  I know with time she’ll get over it, we all do, but I still feel horrible.

As for B and C?  You know, I hate to say it since both are my friends, but quite honestly?  I lost some respect in them.  Sure, both of them are good people in other ways, but cheating?  I just don’t get it.

Why get married (or plan on it)  if you’re going to cheat?  Why bother?  Why start a life with someone if you’re just going to sleep around?  Even if your reasoning is because you don’t have sex as much as you’d like?  To me marriage is for better or for worse, barring emotional/physical abuse.  If your wife doesn’t feel like having sex, yeah that sucks, but what happened to the vows you took?  If you cant treasure something as special as marriage, if you can’t remain faithful to your wife, will you ever?  If you can’t put effort into a relationship with someone you (at one time) thought was your soul mate, what does that say about the rest of your relationships?  I would have a hard time trusting you if I was your girl.  If you can’t value your promises to your WIFE, what would make it any different for a girlfriend.  Why would someone want to advance in a relationship with you beyond dating?

I can’t stand the “she got fat” shit either.  Well no shit, she had your children, of course her body doesn’t look the same.   Again… through better or worse.  No one ages perfectly, and ironically it’s usually the men who are out of shape, who aren’t as handsome who pull this card.  I just want to shake them.  “Yeah she has stretch marks, but those are a rocking pair of man boobs there bud” or “Yeah she gained some weight, but you look great with grey hair in your twenties.”  Jeez.  Love isn’t supposed to be shallow.

Okay okay, so your marriage isn’t going to work out.  Your relationship is failing.  You want to sleep with someone else.  Then break up with them.  If you can’t respect your significant other enough to keep it in your pants (or out of in a females case) then respect them enough to break it off/divorce them.   Simple as that.  This is where the “but we have kids together” or “we have a place together” comes in.

First off, I think those are the most bullshit excuses ever.  Do you honestly want your children growing up thinking that a relationship where one parents cheats on the other and resentment is in full bloom is healthy?  Do you want your daughter thinking it’s okay for her boyfriend to cheat on her?  Do you want your son to think it’s okay for his girlfriend to sleep around?  If you don’t see a problem with that, then you don’t need to be a parent.

Oh and a house together?  A apartment together?  Whatever?  Uhm, split it.  Trust me, otherwise if you get caught cheating it could be very messy.  It could result in you sleeping in your car.  I think that’s reason enough.

I just don’t get it.  Don’t marry someone if you’re not a good enough person to put effort into that relationship.  Don’t stay married if you can’t even respect them enough to not have an affair.  Simple as that.  I look down on cheaters, and that’s not going to change.  Just remember folks, Karma is a cold-hearted bitch, and what goes around, eventually comes around in the most painful way possible.

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